Monday, October 31, 2005

An abundant life?

In veiw of the upcoming holidays, i am not having much of it. In fact I haven't had a holiday in quite some time.

Holidays are days in which i can take time off work to do more work... Chores need to be attended to:

1. Change water of Aruwana Tank (Time allocated: 1 hour)
2. Wash car (inside-out) + Wax (Time Allocated: 2.5 hours)
3. Clean room (Time Allocated: 2 hours)
4. Buy stuff + Cook Dinner for Pot-Luck Cell Meeting (Time Allocated: 4 hours)
5. Get groceries at Hypermarket (Time Allocated: 3 hours)
6. Trip outdoors to Pay Bills (Time Allocated: 1 hours)
7. Catch a long overdue movie with Girlfriend (Time Allocated: 5 hours)
8. Whatever else that needs to be done (Time Allocated: TBC)

And that would've taken a good 2-3 days to accomplish because I can't be doing all that in 1 day. Travelling between places will take time off that schedule.. and in PJ/KL, jams will hit you when you least expect it...


Someday, i would just take a break from all my responsibilities and take a break from it all... I haven't had that for a long time...

I need a real break... these 1-day public holidays don't mean nothing anymore...

I need a break for an entire week. Give me 10 days off everything!!! I beg of you!!!!


I have a few problems

I would like to wish Maybank a Big ThankYou for their quick response...

I banked-in my paycheck, which was post-dated, on Thursday and I got the Bounced reply by Saturday afternoon!!! So now, the company has a problem of how to re-imburse me... And I demand that they do so today!!! I mean, if not, then my interests will increase propotionately.

Well... I will proceed to settle my accounts first. I'll blog later... maybe some time after lunch..

Until then...


I'm here... with a vengeance...

Well, I got my pay today... bounced cheque or not... hehehehe... I pulled a few strings and voila...

But it's all going out by tonight... sigh... Money come, money go... the story of our lives... Installments need to be taken care of, credit card bills, rent, phone bills, utility bills, the whole package...


Well, i'm left hanging now with regards to the lecturing position. I figure the HR girl must have gone on leave or something. But anyways, no worries... If it's mine, then it's mine. If it's not mine, then I will continue to do what I am doing now. Giving 100% in everything that you do is important.

jahsdoifibrewlsadfhswre kljsdhfwbnern *I'm just not inspired today.*

Maybe I worry too much. I'm still thinking about all the bills that I have to pay and stuff...

Will blog more when i'm done with my worrying... now back to mulling over my bills and expenses...


Friday, October 28, 2005

They Called!!!

Project NEW JOB is on the way!!!

The fellas called me for an interview!!!

Well, for those who do not know yet, I stumbled upon a career opening at The One Academy ~ Language and Communications Skills Lecturer, while I was surfing for intake information for my youngest sister who's due in KL for the next intake. So I applied out of hope that I will get some extra cash if I got myself a part-time position.

I mean lecturing is not something that I've been aspiring to be, but the job title does make my mouth water. It will be exactly what I am interested in. I have a keen interest in human communication and interaction. I also like political ideology a lot. Basically, I like to study how communication tools can influence the mass audience...

And since i've been leading a group of young adults in church, I think I'll be able to slot into the lecturing job without much of a problem.

But my debate is that I would still want to keep my current job, but the position that I will be interviewed for is a full-time position. Not that I am not interested in the job, but I would prefer if i could still be connected to the corporate world. It is important for me to be able to stay in the advertising industry so that I can be at the cutting edge.

Well, maybe it's just withdrawal syndromes. I have not thought about lecturing and then suddenly, out of no where, I find myself in such a predicament.

It is my intention to change the thinking and midsets of the students so that they become true communicators than just designers. In my resume, I wrote something like this.

"A good design is not about excellent artwork and concept, it's about being able to communicate those ideas into effective tools. Designers are too absorbed into getting the most creative ideas or designs that they fail to realise that if they don't have the proper communication skills, their idea won't sell."

This is my conviction. This is why I am so intersted in the position.

Come what may... muahahaha

Thursday, October 27, 2005

A Quickie...

Stupidity is an art.

It's not easy being stupid. No matter how hard you may try, you will fail miserably. It takes unusual artistic talent, and a little bit of luck to be able to pass of as stupid. Only those who are truly talented will be able to pass. Try this test. If you score more than 8-10, chances are, you're artistic to the bone!

1. Do you hold your handphone with your left hand but listen with your right ear?
(Like can't you use your right hand to hold your phone up to your right ear? Isn't that more convenient?)

2. Do you speak louder into your phone when you can't hear the other party?
(Like it's you who's having the problem hearing, not the fella on the line? Hello?)

3. Do you pick your ears wax using your fingers?
(No matter how hard you try, unlike your nose, your ears lobes won't expand, and your fingers won't reach the nether regions of your ear.)

4. Do you tune the air-con temperature to high so that you'll get colder air out of it?
(Hello, please note that Higher Temperature translates as Hotter. H.O.T.T.E.R...)

5. Do you brush your teeth before having your breakfast?
(I know it's something you grew up with, but isn't it more effective if you clean them AFTER you dirty them?)

6. Do you, conveniently engage the signal light in the same sweeping action as your hand is turning the steering wheel?
(Like that helps. Everyone would have seen your car turn before the signal light comes on.)

7. Do you knock the hell out of your remote control when the tv refuses to obey your need to switch channels?
(Knocking a sensitive electronic contraption will only loosen the sensitive components inside. Unless of course, it comes in G-Shock)

8. Do you wear your socks only after you wear your jeans?
(I know you're just doing it so that you can pull up your jeans to your knees when you're wearing your socks and you probably like the feeling of a belt buckle/fly button pressing itself onto your belly when you reach for your legs.)

9. Do you still wonder why, sometimes, there's a horizontal line on top of the number 9?
(Since it's a mystery to you, I'll let it be. Try asking a 6 year old kid. Maybe the fella will give you an answer if he doesn't feel that you've insulted his intelligence.)

10. Did you finish reading this entire list?
(It must be that you're either really bored, or you're just plain artistic and you relate to the 9 things above.)

How did you fare?

Mini Revolution

Exactly what it says.

As Malaysians, we have always been taught 'How to do things' but we were often not taught to ask 'Why am I taught this?'

That is why, most of us are passive readers of texts. Now in text, I am saying any form of publishing that can be read over and over again. It could be a photograph, it could be a movie, it could also be a theater play. As long as some form of meaning can be made of it. But our culture and education does not warrant us to think further than "Hmmm, that was a good play/movie."

"Why was it a good play/movie?"

"We don't know. But it felt good alright." or "The acting was convincing".

This is because we have not experienced any form of spiritual/intellectual revival. We are living in the 'modern dark ages'. We know a lot of things, but yet at the same time know so little. that is because what we know is only the surface of things. And that is apparent in the whole of Malaysia. We buy something because the ad says it good. We believe in something because our friends say its good. We spend more money on a product that costs a fraction of the price because we think it's good for us.

That's all??? Don't we have an opinion of our own? Have we asked why?? Well, sometimes, we do ask "Why should I buy it" but the more important question should be "Why do I need it".

Anyways, that's not the point. The point is, we can't make much of meaning from texts. So often, we take in whatever the media/friends/family tells us without thinking deeper into it. For example, I was watching this travel show on the tele the other night, and it was a feature on Berlin. There was this scene that involved a girl, an artist, who performed a piece of art to a group of other artists. She tied a sewing machine to a string of rope, hung it over a branch of a tree, and tied the other end of the rope to her hair. Then she put on a full length dress that was pegged down to the ground. So, she was actually being pulled up by the gravitational pull of the sewing machine and at the same time pegged down to the ground dy her dress.

Most of us will see it as 'Funky work of art and will go 'Wierd Westerners'. We do not think deeper and try to figure out what she is tryng to tell us?? What does the sewing machine represent? Why is it tied to her hair, trying to pull her up? And Why does she want to tie herself down to the ground via her dress? What does the dress represent? Why is it pegged down?

If only we asked more of 'Why' and think more about things. Meaning making is a very subjective subject. And most of the time, in Malaysia, we are taught to be so tolerating that we don't ask why. We just accept whatever is thrown at us. Sometimes, it's even viewed as being rude if you asked to many whys...

This has caused the entire Malaysian population to know a lot, but understand very little.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


No, not Jon's upcoming album...

(For those who are not in the loop, one of our worship leaders in church, Jon Tse, is coming up with his own 14-track solo album and it's called 'Purpose'.)

But it often very weird that things creep up on you. It's more often than not, you suddenly realise that what you're doing with your life is not actually what you wanted to do. Sometimes, we chase after our dreams without realising that it's not actually what we want. We always want to live in a fantasy. Afterall, fantasies are much more beautiful, more ideal. But fantasies are just that. When it comes into realisation, it's not that fantastic afterall. But anyhow, sometimes it is this fantasy that keeps us alive. False hope.

Some of you may chase after your career, some may just want to get rich no matter what, some may want a pretty wife, some may want to retire at the age of 26, some may want to have this gadget, some may want this or that. Human beings live on the basis of 'want'. We exist in this world because we want something out of life. Sometimes a little, sometimes more. But is that what we want?

What we want in life is to know our purpose. We have been chasing dream after dream. We have been running after goals, but we have never realised what our purpose is.

When we were kids, we lived for our parents, when we grew into our teens, we lived for our peers, when we get ourselves into College/University, we live for our perceived ideal goals, and when we come out to work, we live for money and when we grow old, we live to avoid sickness, and when it's about time to die, we start to live for God in fear of what awaits us after we die.

But what is the whole purpose of this human life? Is it a game? Is it a form of suffering? Some religions think so. Some would even go to the extent as to say that suffering is the path to divinity. Yes, in truth, religion is a form of relief from the sufferings of our lives. But it is this same suffering that keeps us reverant to our God. However, it is not necessarily the entire meaning of our lives. There must be more than this.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

What's in a ROSE???

Flowers... What a girl needs is flowers...

Flowers are constantly billed as the epitome of love. Flowers are fragile, and their beauty is delicate. Like a relationship between a man and a woman, special care is needed to make them last longer, but everyone knows that they are temporal. Beauty that is here one day, and gone the other.

I engaged in a discussion with a friend earlier, and it all started when she said she was tending to some roses that her housemate bought from Cameron. So we were happily chatting until she asked, "When was the last time you got your girlfriend some flowers?"

I told her, "I have never gave my girlfriend flowers."

"I don't like to give her something that's temporal."

She said: "You have a point."

Flowers are temporal. It is indeed beautiful, and delicate, but such beauty only lasts for a few days. I would rather give my girlfriend something that lasts, like diamonds and pearls. But since I couldn't afford those yet, she'll have to do with gold first.

Many a time, we have settled for the temporal in place of the lasting. And sometimes, we are willing to give up a lot of things in order to gain such temporal happiness. And if flowers were to represent my love for my girlfriend, then that would mean that I will only love her for a short while!

So, girls, make sure you don't ask for temporal love from your boyfriend. But then, only God can give us eternal love. Man can give you his life, but never everlasting love.

Suddenly there's hope...

I've been blindly feeling my way around the world of 'financial independance' and yet, I still get a beam of light here and there from my parents. It's a meloncholic thing actually. On one side, I know they still care very much about me, but on the other side, it's kind of telling me that I am not as financially stable as I would've liked.

Well, suddenly, there's a glimmer of light that will take me off this slump. I've found a way out!!! (Will tell you guys about it later... make you keep coming back for more.. muahahaha)


I've actually just realised that I haven't committed my everything to God. A lot of things are left to my own desires and my own perogative. And most of the time, this isn't the right way to go. That's why i keep finding myself in some sort of shit here and there...

I have forgotten the basics of faith, which is to dedicate my entire life to God. From now own, I want to work for God, not for money. When I work, I work for God. When I start work, I shall start with a silent word of prayer. And when I work, I shall work with all my heart, giving only the best. Only then, I will be able to make a difference.

For the past year or so, I've been so engulfed in my own efforts to gain financial independence, and I've been struggling ever since. But now, I realised that since day 1, I have not really acknowledged God as my owner. I have put faith in myself, and my own ability that I have forgotten that God is the Almighty, the all powerful, and He makes all things to work for His glory.

I have been so worried about my direction in life, where I should go, and what I should do for the rest of this short life that is accorded me.

Then, suddenly, out of no where, I see the light at the end of the darkness. There is a way out. And I know that this time, if I want to succeed, then I would need to ackowledge God in everything that I do.

Well, to know more, come back some time later. As for now, I'm signing off to write and adapt my resume and embark on this new project.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Who am I? What Do I want?

It's weird.

Just when you think you know who you are, and who you want to be, you lose all focus in life and you want to experience something new.

It's like once you get your finger on something, you'd want something else.

I've been wroking as a copywriter for a good year plus. And suddenly it dawned in me that maybe, JUST maybe, it's not for me. I am looking at myself and go, I know my strengths and weaknesses, and writing copy for ads is maybe my 3rd highest strength. I have been to a major international ad agency, was there for 3 months, saw almost everything there, how people worked, I was in a really small agency where everyone was doing the one-leg-kicking thing, and I've been working at a medium sized, fully local agency where I got booted out for incompatibility, and I'm now at a small agency where my skills are not put to good use.

I'm guessing I've seen it all. And seriously, I don't see much a future in copywriting. I mean, I don't see myself doing this for my entire life. Teaching, maybe... But I'm more of a practical kind of guy. I like to get my hands dirty, doing practical things, like problem solving, maybe a bit of man-management... But I don't have any relevant experience, and I don't have much of a qualification. All I have is a Degree in Communications...

Then, there's this thing about me having my own entreprise which I will use for the glory of God. Well, I seriously doubt this bit of prophesy on my life. None of my relatives are business people, and I don't have anyone to refer to. I see a few opportunities here and there to set-up my own business, but it's not something that is entirely to my liking. Well, I am keeping an open eye for business opportunities, but still, I'm at the crossroads.

I can go in so many directions. I can stay in copywriting for the time being, but it seems that (and it's rather apparent in the blog) my writing style calls for a more magazine/newsletter business. Should I venture into writing columns? and slowly get myself into publishing? Or should I venture into events management out of my liking for practical things, and getting my hands dirty? Or maybe I should venture into lecturing / teaching english or communications?

I know I have the ability to write, and through my writing entertain my readers. I know that I can come up with some thought provoking stuff. But how can I turn such things into a money-making opportunity?

The encourager

Sometimes, we are so infused with ourselves in being the 'encourager' that we forget to get encouragement from our friends.

I figured that I've been talking too much lately. I've been talking and talking and talking about my thought. People come to me and ask me a simple question, and I talk about all the theories behind, inside, around and above the simple question just for the sake of trying to sound intelligent. Maybe I think too much, and maybe I know too much. I try so hard to be politically correct in everything I say, and I promote political correctness to my friends.

If you say something that I feel can be said in a better way, I will tell you all the causes and effects of such a statement, and all its underlying theories and facts. I know too much.

It's not my fault that I have such an eye for detail. It's not my fault that I have an interest in such things. It's not my fault that I am politically inclined, and I studied a bit of every ideology in my Uni. I am in no way an expert, but I do know quite a significant amount of theories and ideologies that will make me sound 'intellectual' enough...

Sometimes I talk so much that I leave no space for people to encourage me. Sometimes, maybe, I should just let myself be weak, and show my weakness.

Being a leader means to be able to lead even in times of difficulty. Not to be strong all the time. A leader should be free to make mistakes and show his weakness so that he too can be ministered to, taken care of.

But the standards of the world are such that you are 'not-good-enough' if you're weak. And if you show your weaknesses as a leader, you lose respect.

This perception has to change. A leader is there to lead people into achieving a certain goal. Not to be superman. But most of the time, followers are expecting nothing less than a super-human being for a leader.

Give your leader some slack. :)

Fun Weekend

Well, I had quite a good weekend this time around. Spent some time going around with my girlfriend and had a relaxing time. I'm well rested, and ready to take on the world!

The demands on a person like me is rather great. I have come to a place that's not my own, and I'm struggling to earn more than I need to spend. Today, if you want to live with relative convenience and luxury, you'd need at least RM3,000 per month. And that too, i'm talking about driving a lousy car, Proton no less, a flat that costs no more than 150K, and you'd have to eat cheap food all the days of your life. And you won't have much of a savings.

That's the problem with us, 'migrants' is that we have no 'old money'. For those who have a family here, they have a good 3-4 year head start. This is because they can save up for thier first pad with relative ease. But for the 'migrants' like me, I have to pay for a room that is not my own, helping someone else pay for their monthly installments. New money is hard to make. That's why, more and more people are trying very hard to get married later.

Sometimes, I feel like i've failed my girlfriend. It's not that we don't want to get married, but we can't get married with no savings, and no place of our own. And I keep on telling her that I can't marry her because I haven't got enough money. That'll mean that our marriage is based on financial ability, and not love. But however much I want to marry her, I can't do it on this minuscule salary of mine.

But we've been together for so long already that we should get married immediately... sigh...

Besides, my parents won't allow it, because I'm not financially stable enough, and besides, I haven't got a house to move into after marriage. Well, the scenario is this; She has a place of her own, bought by her parents for her, and I can't move into it because my parents will have none of it. Although her parents are ok with it if we marry and move into the house, but then, because of familial pride, the groom should never move into the bride's place. It should be the other way around. If I move into her place, that will disgrace my family in a sense that we recognise that heer family is better off. That's why, I can't get married until I am able to get my own pad.

What to do... sigh...

That's why sometimes, when my younger friends come to me for advise and stuff, I would advise them not to get involved ina relationship too early. Lest they become like me, hanging...

Friday, October 21, 2005

Giving in Faith...

Well, any religion that you indulge in will ask you for some form of money offering.

Well, a faith/belief is always an organisation, and we know that every organisation needs money to operate. So in actual fact, the money that you give to your religious organisation goes into the maintenance and the everyday functioning of its facilities.

I've always told people this:

"Whenever we offer to God a significant amount of money from our monthly income, we are actually contributing to the work of God on earth. The church cannot exist without the offering money from its members. That's why everyone who comes into believing in God must give. When you join a church (or any reliegious organisation for that matter) you expect to be ministered to. The facilities must be of acceptable quality. the facility needs to be comfortable. Air-conditioning, carpetting, a good sound system, the cleaners, the purchase of toiletries, and the utility bills all need to be paid for. And you can't expect the daily running of the church to be provided for without your own contribution. That's why we should all give in faith into the offering. If you don't give, then the church simply cannot function. A giving church is a growing church. You can't grow if you don't have the facilities to improve yourself. If you commit to a church, then you should give.

Imagine: Pastor, pastor, my house got ghost oh. Can come and chase it away in the name of God Father, Son and Holy Spirit?

Pastor replies: Oh, I'm sorry but in the name of the committee that you guys selected into the church council, I do not have the funds needed to make the trip to your house. Now that petrol prices are up...

Then the only guy to blame is yourself lar. Why never give??

Anyways, that's not the point.

The point of argument is that we are always asked to give in faith to the work of God on earth. We are constantly called to give, give, and give. And most of the time, we are asked to give in faith.

We constantly hear testimonies about how God blessed a certain person when the fella allegedly empied his pockets before God, and still could survive on a miserly RM10 per week (In Malaysia, you need an average RM4 per meal) And that was an act of faith that was reciprocated by God. That was an act that required immense faith that God will provide for the person after he gave everything he had to God into the offering bag.

However, the question remains. Will a credit card affect this act of faith?

I mean, the person would have to rely solely on God for his daily provisions after he's emptied his pockets. But nowadays, if God calls me to drop my entire wallet's cash into the bag, I could still survive without God's help. I could always swipe my credit card. So does it lessen my act of faith into a calculated risk?

Two sets of Friends...

Everyone needs at least two sets of friends.

Well, the reason behind this is simple. Each group of friends play a different role in your life.

I realised that in a Cell Group, people are more caring and more serious in their relationship with one another. This is normal because everyone is there to contribute to the direction of the Cell, which is to minister to one another, and to share the good news. In a cell group/small church group, members are always showing you the negative side of their life. People come to cell group prepared to share, and to care for one another. This is supposed to lift everyone's spirits, and members should be open to share each others problems. But this is subliminally negative. When people share to you their problems, it sends out negative vibes. Although it is vital for mental support and spiritual growth, one cannot live off this group solely.

The second set should be casual friends where you just have fun with, no strings attached. Where their cares are taken cared of by someone else. This is to balance the negativity that you get from the first group.

Now, when you're in a group of people who are always sharing with you their worries, and you care for them, and share their hurts, you are getting negative vibes. Therefore, sometimes, they will seem to be nothing more than whiners. Sometimes, their needs are so immense that you tend to see them as the problem. You meet them, and go "sigh, it's him/her again." And if your life revolves only around such people, you are going to be a real sad case.

That's why sometimes, it is good to be able to just have fun with a few friends who do not know your sad cases. They look at you from a more positive light, and you don't know their worries either. All you are concerned with is a good game of basketball with each other, or a good session of 'yumchar' where all you chat about is maybe the latest trend in fashion, or the most stupid thing you've done in the past week. You just have fun together, no seeing the negatives in life.

These people make life fun. They inject joy into your life. And being with them (because you know nothing of their problems) you don't see their problems when you see them. Although it is a superficial relationship, it is a lifting change from the gloom of negativity in your life.

No one will be able to live a balanced life with negativity all around. No matter how big a heart you have for your friends, no matter how much you can try to care for everyone beside you, sometimes, you need to purposefully inject some positivity into your life.

So go out and make a 'fun friend' today.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

After-Lunch realisations...

Well, actually, there's nothing to realise, but I'm in the office with nothing to do, and my colleagues aren't really around... So it's pretty lonely here at the pit...

So here's something for you guys...

Some of you must be wondering why I call my self SaDdNesZ.jc...

Well, the truth is, I don't know... It was a spur of the moment kind of thing. A good 10 years ago, when I was introduced to the internet, and 'online chatting' (wah, that terminology seems so classical), I chose a nick that represented me in the eyes of my classmates. We would chat on the internet throughout the night, and continue chatting about our chat last night during the day when we met each other in class. I used to be 'zzzz' in IRC back then. And I was a commited citizen of the main Sabahan chatrooms (smallsaints, sungsiew, ttss, and of course, my class' chatroom #8!) I chose that nick because I spent most of my time in class sleeping. (Yes, the teachers were 'THAT' boring.) Imagine having to listen to an emo-influenced Engrish teacher that pronounces Tortoise as 'tore-toise' instead of 'tor-tis' and went on about telling us all the laws of grammar, of what is a noun, a verb, and what is a past-participle. I bloody didn't care! And I cannot muster any respect for someone who claims to be a teacher but can't pronounce some basic Engrish words properly... So I always went to sleep during class, and therefore the nick 'zzzz'... I fair representation of me i reckon... hahahaha

Then came the rejection of my life. I had close encounters with girls throughout secondary school, but it was always (ahem) me who would reject the approaches of girls. Albeit on the grounds of 'I wasn't prepared for a relationship', and 'Besides, my mom wouldn't approve'. So I had a few crushes, which did not come to fruition. And when I mustered the bravery to actually go for a girl when I was in Form 3, I got rejected! The poor girl made it even more difficult for me. She didn't reject me entirely, but said a whole lot of things like, "not now lar", "maybe we should wait a while lar", well, basically, what I told the girls (not that there were many, but still) who made advances on me... A taste of my own medicine lar...

And poor old me, I waited and waited, and hoped, and waited, and hoped, and continued trying until a good 8 months later, I realised that she was going out with another guy. During this 8 months, I lived in utter sadness. Life was so meaningless and since I still had hope for the relationship to start one day, so I started using the nick 'SaDdNesZ'...

I was in such a sorry state until one day when I realised that she was going out with this other dude that plays basketball with me every other week, something snapped in me. And I can still remember my liberalisation was on the July of 1997. hahahaha.... I was so silly back then...

So that's how it came about. SaDdNesZ.

I got to know my current girlfriend about 4 months after my 'liberalisation' and we started dating after a Valentine's Day event organised by some inter-school organisation. And that too was my Form 5 (spell S.P.M) year... hahahaha... me and my major exams...

Then when I came over to West Malaysia for my studies, my church friends introduced me to Counter-strike and we played it as the '.jc' clan... I sucked at CS... I was always the one who rushed into enemy territory only to get killed... but anyhow, the nick stuck...

and today, I've been using it for so long, that I have no intention of getting it changed. My church friends sometimes ask me, Why? Why would I still be in sadness when I have so many things to give thanks about?

But I don't know.

I've been using it for so long...

Ah, well...

You didn't need to know all that... so... why are you still reading??? Shhooo!!!

Different spectrums of a person

A single individual can play a lot of roles..

When I am with different people I act differently. This is because sometimes I am a leader, sometimes I am the follower. Sometimes I lead, sometimes I let others lead. Sometimes it's official business, sometimes it's just out for a drink. Sometimes it's friendly, sometimes it's to argue.

And you get to see a faction of me depending on who you are. If you are constantly a person that falls under my supervision, most of the time you'll only see the leader in me. But if you are a leader in a group in which I am a member of, then you'll see the subordinate in me. Then there are those who gets to see both sides of me, but they'll never see me when I'm with my girlfriend, because I will not treat anyone else the same as my girlfriend. And she only gets to see this part of me because she doesn't spend all her time with me.

All this is has to do with the fact that human action/reaction is fluid. And this fluidity means that we are constantly changing and adpating to our situations and surroundings. Power is fluid. The more you know about a topic or issue, the more power you have, thus the notion that knowledge is power. Everyone has their own set of knowledge and thus, with this knowledge comes cultural capital.

You have cultural capital when you have built up a reputation for yourself on a certain issue or discipline. If everyone knows that I am good in English, when I speak about English everyone will listen as if every word that comes out of my mouth is cast in stone. I have become the authority in the subject for that matter, and that is because I have built up my cultural capital in the subject. Even if a Professor that specialises in Atomic Energy would stand beside me and speak on the topic of 'English' I would still have the public's trust. But if a Professor of Linguistic studies were to speak at the same time as I do, then tendencies are that people will listen to him rather than me because he has more cultural capital. His reputation gives him that.

The fluidity of power and influence.

So too in every person. Our personalities are fluid. Sometimes we are strong, sometimes we are weak. Sometimes we lead, sometimes we follow.

That's why, misunderstandings happen so often. No one can ever understand a person fully. Sometimes, the person will not be able to understand him/herself either. It's because we are constantly changing, constantly adapting...

So before you judge a person, try to think whether you've seen enough of the person to make a true and fair assessment of the situation.

Power... it's so beautiful, yet so devastating... It'll destroy even the toughest man... It'll make or break a person.

The person who has the most power is the one who is able to control whatever power that is given him. Only then, he is more powerful than power. The fool will be subdued by his own power.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I'm dry...

No, I'm not cracking up, but I am dry...

I've been hiding behind my writing lately, until I found a few friends' blogs.

They have been using it as a diary, and also a medium where their personal testimonies could be seen by others. Me, I've been hiding behind my issues, and trying to sound as politically correct as possible. I only mention God in an objective manner.

It has just dawned on me that I have been leading a life that is full of God's knowledge, and I can practically talk my way through any kind of question regarding religion and God. But I haven't been doing it in this blog because I want to keep this as an objective channel which would make my audience think about God more deeply. Thus, as my audience, you would've been reading loads and loads of observations on life, but yet, it does not have any real content because it's more of an intellectual discussion rather than something from the heart. I haven't been totally honest with you, my audience.

sorry. . .

I need to change. I need a real relationship with God. I've done enough hiding behind my own wall. I want to change. And I know I can't do this alone. I need God.

Sometimes, when you're in the midst of worshipping God, you tend to think about some things in life. And I found out once when I was singing some song to God, that "Hey, I'm singing on the top of my lungs, but who am I singing to? Do I know you God? Do I still know you?"

I have fallen so low that I have fallen flat! I am frantically trying to pull myself up again, but I have been doing it the wrong way. I can't pull myself up. Someone has to pull me up for me. When you're drowning, you can't grab yourself by the hair and yank hoping that the anti-gravitational move that your hand is making will be enough to stop you from sinking deeper into the pool of water. I need God.

It is when you're crushed from all sides,
and have no where to go,
That the love of Christ becomes so imminent,
It seeps through the cracks of your broken heart.

My heart is broken. I am crushed. I have no one to turn to. No one can understand me. No one can bear my burden.

But yet, it is only under such circumstances that I am reminded that I have Christ in my heart, and when my heart breaks, His love flows out and covers those cracks, mending my heart, saving my soul.

Sometimes, we protect ourselves from heartbreak so much that we have forgotten how to feel. That we have forgotten what it means to trust in God anymore. That we forget the true meaning of believing in God Almighty.

*The little phrase on top was written when I was facing the most difficult situation in my life a few years back. I was staring failure right in the eye because I refused to study for my college exams. I knew it was a battle lost, and I knew whatever I did would be futile. So I went into the exams without studying a single thing. I failed 3 out of 5 subjects and I left the college.*

And as you can see, my writting has dried up also...

Problems are a fact of life...

The other constant in life is 'Problems'...

Change is the other constant in this world. Lives change, people change, things change, prices change, love changes, everything changes!

And with change comes problems. People are very habitual beings. We don't like doing things outside our habit. If we've gotten used to something, then, we would like it to remain as such until, well, for as long as possible. And when something disrupts the flow of things, we get thrown off track.

But too bad, the only constant in this world is change, and change brings about problems. You've just spent 2 weeks trying to understand 1 friend, and find that the fella changed in a second. You spend 3 years studying for a degree only to find that when you graduate, the syllabus has changed. You spend 3 months trying to find the perfect pair of earings only to find that the fashion scene has changed. And this creates problems.

We must also change our mindsets if we want to be successful. Most of the time, we focus too much on resisting change, or trying too hard to resolve the problems that change brings, that we fail to look at it from a better point of view.

In today's settings, we are always on the rush. We rush to finish our work, we rush from one place to another, we rush to do everything. Most of the time, we rush into such problems too soon. We haven't even seen why there is a problem, and yet, we've already plunged our heads into the issue.

But problems are always constant. Only those who have the ability to soar above their problems are capable of doing great things. If you keep on meddling in the minuscule issues of the problems below, most of the time, you'll not be able to see the greater vision on top. If you can work above the problems, you would be able to work better. Since problems are a constant, why not work above it instead of on it? I know it profound, and most of the time, it needs solving, but as rushers, we always prioritise problem sovling above the main objective.

If there's a job to be done, then finish the job, and the problems will sort itself out. It's like that most of the time. But if you only keep on trying to solve the problems, then, you'll not finish the job.

It's ok if you're confused. I am too...

Now isn't that a problem???

Life takes a funny turn...

Whenever you think that you've made it, whenever you think that you could settle down, suddenly, you'll get an idea from no-where that unsettles you.

Maybe it's just my nature, but I don't like to be unsettled. It's not good for my emotions. (Yes, I do have emotions... I am a man, but still, I am human...) I mean, unlike girls, I do not emote most of the time. I choose to emote when i choose to emote.

Well, I had this weird dream about my grandpa, and it reminded me about the importance of family. He is now 83 years old, and is suffering from alzhiemer's every now-and-then. I only get to meet him once every year now, but I can still clearly remember how he used to bring me around. He was so proud of me when I was a little boy. I hope he still is. I haven't been a particularly good grandson to him. Well, the fact that I haven't even had the chance to do what a grandson should do. I still have yet to bring home some money for him.

In Chinese families, a son (or grandson for this matter) shows that he is fillial by bringing home money. And when parents receive pocket money from their children, it shows that their job is done. That they have brought up their kid to be a self sufficient human being that is responsible and can take care of the family. I know that times have changed, and salaries are relatively worthless nowadays, but still, I haven't been able to do that yet. So I am hoping for a relatively large 'ang-pau' from the company so that at least, I can make my grandpa proud.

I actually rue the fact that I cannot spend more time with him. The demands on life is as such these days that it makes family time difficult. Most people will not think twice when it comes to sacrificing family for career. Am I doing the same? Is my existance in KL a sign that I am sacrificing family for career? I have been living without a family in close proximity for 6 years now, and sometimes, I think I've forgotten how to live as a family. I have become an individual. I have become my own family. That means, I have less tolerance, I am less relational, and I can bet you that my family do not know me anymore. I have become a stranger to them, and they to me. I know my mom will always be my mom, and she will not stop loving me, but yet, she's getting older by the day, and I am not there to support or care for her. Same with my dad. Every year I go home, I see more and more grey hairs on their heads and I could only contemplate on how much time that I have lost. How little have I seen them, and how much they have changed.

I know that I cannot force them to come over to KL and live with me because they would be lonely here. Back in my hometown, they have friends, they have the church, and they have a house with a wonderful garden. Here in KL, they'll be living in concrete blocks that will have them facing the 4 corners of 'luxury'. But is that what they need?

Money can buy you everything you need, and more. But it can't buy you happiness. Sometimes, it is better to spend time with your loved ones instead of being able to make tonnes and tonnes of money, and regret that you've not done enough to spend time with the one you love.

Lest you wake up one day, and see that you could've done more to know and care for your parents.

The lamentations of a metropolitan prodigal.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Education vs. Aspiration

The requirement of today's labour market is as such that in order for a graduate to be able to find a job, he/she must have a very specialised degree. This is justified by the need to be able to assimilate the graduate into the company's systems without much training.

A graduate is expected to have a proper grounding of the working systems in his/her field. For example, an engineer should be able to do scheme checks and be able to see design/calculation flaws when he/she is handed a job. And IT graduate should be able to learn and master a new programming language at minimal time, and a teacher should be able to teach without much training.

Therefore, as students, kids nowadays have to really master his/her skill and gain proper grounding before he/she is thrown out into the playing field. And this requires much focus. If one is not focused enough, then one can never be good enough. There is no room for slackers in this world, and only the strong will survive. It's either you come in and assimilate straight away, or you're not good enough.

But graduates constantly find themselves knowing too little. In order to get good grades in Uni, most devote their time to everything regarding thier studies and have no time for anything else. Therefore, we actually have graduates that know nothing more than their specialised field of study. An IT specialist will know all about the programming languages that defines his/her career. When asked about some logical workings of the society that they live in, they know very little or nothing at all! This becomes paradoxical intelligence. They can be so smart in designing software, but they do not know the implications of its usage in the society out there. Therefore, you get stupid designs that are executed intelligently.

Graduates nowadays come out to the labour market knowing next to nothing about human interaction, social implications, and proper communication. All they know is how to do a job, but they do not know what the job is for, how it would affect the community outside, and why it is good. Just look at the roads in Malaysia. It's all in a mess. And the more the Government tries to rectify the flaws in the design of the roads, the more chaos it creates. People spend more time on roads nowadays because the designers are only busy looking at their physical calculations without calculating other factors like how many people will be dislocated if you move a junction 100 metres away. By moving a junction 100 metres away, that could cause a good few thousand cars everyday to spend an extra 10 minutes on the road instead of getting parked at thier intended destinations. The more time cars spend on the road, the more congested the system gets.

Scientist only know their science and research. Designers only know their designs, marketers only know their products, but no one understands human behaviour. Only the sociolologist knows how human behave, and what does a sociologist do? He spends most of his time studying people.

So becareful of why you graduate, not how you graduate.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Fiddling with my blog...

I've been fiddling with my links..

Apologies if you couldn't access my site for the past half-day or so...

As you can now see, I've linked my friends and muses for easy access.

Sorry again for the interuption. I'm a copywriter, and not an IT specialist... I need some time to vet throught the coding ok...

The price of success...

is the banishment of mediocrity...

In order for a person to succeed, he must never dwell on his own laurels. Struggling, is therefore, inevitable. It pays for one to be at the edge of things, always pushing the limits. One cannot succeed in life if he only goes with the flow of things. Many people out there are like that. They live their lives according to the rules. If no one's gonna start it, then probably it's not good.

Me, I'm one of those people who would calculate all my risks. If I feel that I am risking too much beyond what I can cope with, then I retreat. But this is not the attitude that makes a winner. I have embraced mediocrity with open arms. Always telling myself that I haven't seen enough, I haven't met enough people, and am not worthy enough to be pushing the limits and boundaries of my own being.

I need a change in perspective. I need to move more. I need to work harder. I need to get off my arse and risk more things in life.

I will not get anywhere if I continue to work with mediocre people. I need to turn my ideas into business opportunities. I need a lot of things...


I Haven't Been Working...

At least not as much as I should have at my relationship.

It's been quite some time since I've been out with my girlfriend. Sometimes, I have let her suffer because of my own drive for efficiency and time management. I have somehow forgotten how to laze around and let inefficient time management into my life. As such, everything had to be done with perfection. Timing has to be right. And that means, a very rigid relationship with my girlfriend.

She's been getting sick at regular intervals recently, and whenever I feel like allocating time for her, she's not feeling well. So am I. We haven't walked lazily in shopping complexes for quite some time now. Everything with me has been 'No time' or we go to the shopping complex for a purpose.

Maybe tonight, I'll bring her out...

Time is a very strange item,
It is not for sale, nor does it have a price.
You can't control it,
It doesn't change.

Every second we waste away,
Every fleeting moment never comes back.
Memories capture a moment in time,
But it does not bring it back.

Life is but a speck in humanity's timeline,
Only the waking walk on it.
All travel on it,
But none can manouver it.

When your boss pays you your monthly salary, he is actually buying your time. And your time is your life. Those who do not have time, have no life. Those who live for their job, lives for money. And we all know that money cannot buy time. You will never be able to add a few good years to your life if you amass great wealth during your lifetime, you only save up for whoever will benefit from your hard work.

Sometimes, it's not about how much we can earn, it's about how much we make of our lives. Make some time for a loved one today... Lest, you lose them only to find that you've not spent enough time with them.

Money vs. Love, I choose the latter.

Mondays... AGAIN....

It's not a good thing when Mondays creep up on you. Never Ever!!!!

I went to bed early, and still woke up groggy...

It's not that I don't have the motivation to work, but it's this feeling of predictability at work. I really need to get away from the city for a time of relaxation... It's been a full year plus since I've taken any real rest outside the city. The last time I ventured out of this mass of a hell-hole was when my class-mates and I went to Pangkor for a 'Graduation-Farewell' trip... and that was in July last year!!! After that, there were one or two trips to PD and that was only a day trip.

Well, at least work isn't too bad. I can still snake quite a lot at the office, and don't have much to do. The bosses are good, and they don't control you like you're one of thier dogs. But I don't see much of a future here. But I haven't seen any future anywhere so far. And whenever I leave, the major pitch that I was working on would be rewarded with the contract. Sigh, if I hadn't left my first company, I would now be neck-deep in the Michelin Account, and I would be able to claim that as "MINE'.... but... sigh... Now I'm stuck with work on the spoils of Genting. Maybe God is trying to tell me something... Maybe I should stick with this agency and wait until a big account comes by.

Fate and fortune has a cynical cycle that turns around all the time, and if you move too much, you find yourself moving around against the flow... hahahaha... Nah... Actually, EVERYTHING is spiritual. There's nothing that is not spiritual in this world. There are powers in this world that can be separated into two major groups. The GOOD, and the EVIL...

God is in control of ALL things. And if your god does not claim to be that, then maybe he's just not powerful enough, and has to share some of his world with another god... Where can you find a god who is not supreme being / numero uno / the ONE and yet can control all things?

You can't be an individual if you don't think that you're the best. If you're not the best, then you will need some help from your group members in order to do your job properly. And when you're in a group, you're not an individual, because you're a group member. Well, you might argue that you can be an individual that plays your part in the group, but still, if you're not working alone, you have to play by some one else's rules. You are accountable to your group members as they are accountable to you. Whatever decisions you make, you would have to consult them, or risk utter failure and mutany or boycott.

So, if your God is not good enough, maybe you should look for a better one.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

To Love, or To Teach....

I'm still over-hung from this issue that I am having with my friend.

I have done some thinking and it has occured to me that people today mistake love as being the affectional love. If you love me, you'll take care of me, you'll look after my interests, you'll remind me to do the stuff that you expect me to forget, and you'll devote your entire time to me.

Many have failed to see that love is also about teaching and admonishing each other so that together, we become better people. Most of the time, when we get a scolding, or get commented for a flaw in our actions/system/anything, we take it as if the person hates us, and wants to pick a fight with us.

But it is true friends that don't leave you to die.

If I don't care about you, I'd care less if you're not doing things right. I'm not going to risk ruining my relationship with you so that you can be a better person, although you might hate me for it. If I care less about you, I won't mind you getting into trouble with higher powers that may make or break your life.

sigh... Since today is saturday, and I am working half-day, this will be a half-argued post...

Friday, October 14, 2005

The Price of Honour...

You want to know the price of honour??

Go borrow a certain amount of money from your friends. The amount that they are willing to borrow you shows how much honour you have.

10-20 years ago, my parents used to have friends who would borrow a large amount of money to friends with fairly no risk at all. Acquaintences could come to you asking for a favour, and a loan. And they would give willingly, without much doubt. Can we do this today?

Seriously, I wouldn't trust my friends with anything more than RM50.00 Not that I have the ability to loan you anything anyway, but if I did have an amount of money stashed somewhere, I would only be willing to loan an acquaintance not more than RM50.00. Good friends, maybe I can go up to RM200, but nothing more. If I really don't know you that well, then the most I will go is RM10.00.

RM10.00 is like small change for today. You can use more than that on 1 single lunch itself. So, imagine the amount of honour that was available in our society 20 years ago, when a meal costs no more than RM5, and people were willing to trust your honour with a good thousand bucks.

Sad to say, most of us have been living without honour. Not that we purposefully choose to do so, but sometimes, it is because society out there makes it so hard for us to trust our friends. There is a countless number of con-men out there that's always ready to make a quick buck. And sometimes, your friends don't hesitate to do the same at your expense.

In particular, I am really sick and tired of these direct sales people. They will make contact with you with any trick available to them. They know you're good at something, they will ask for a favour that requires the services of your perceived skill. For example, they will call you and say that they need help with something that requires 'your professional opinion'. And that is a lie to lure you to have dinner or a drink with them where they can sell you whatever they want to sell you. Or worse, use you as a down-line.

And the worst is, people are blinded with the supposed benefits that the product will bring. Greed.

But if someone tricks you out to dinner and preaches a religion to you, you find it offensive.

Why ah?? What's the difference?

Are you implying that if a person tricks you out to instill greed in you, it's ok? But when a person tricks you out and instigates something good to you, it's not honourable?

So, you are also implying that the direct sales trick is honourable? or are you saying that religion is not good?

Thursday, October 13, 2005

"Grace points"

In any relationship, there's this tank.

This tank fills itself up with "Grace Points", just like Bonus Link/Real Rewards/Isetan Card/Jusco Card and the like. The more you spend on the relationship, the more points you accumulate. The more you invest, the more points get stocked up in a person's tank.

Whenever you get to know a person, a relationship starts. And a tank for 'Grace Points' is made in your mind for the new friend. And when you invest in the relationship, you build up your collection of 'Grace Points' in his/her tanks. I have tanks everywhere with my friends and I keep a tank for everyone of my friends.

Well, 4 weeks ago, I was running on empty on grace points. Everyone seemed to have used up all their grace points in my tanks. And I became this monster with this huge attitude. I got annoyed easily, and I refused to be re-fueled. It seemed the everyone went on a frenzy and redeemed all their points at once, without re-fuelling.

I shunned all kind of responsibility. I purposefully avoided the encouragement, I just didn't want to be re-fuelled.

When one gets an empty tank, it takes time to fix the problem. You can't simply pump a full tank all at once, when you've upset the tank, it takes time to refuel. It takes time to trust the person again. It takes time to resolve outstanding issues, and it takes time to heal the upset tank.

If I cherish a relationship, I will never let my supply of Grace Points run empty on anyone's tank. I would rather stock up, and not redeem my grace points, and let it overflow. Because when it overflows, I am the one who benefits as well. But if I use up all my points, then I have an empty tank with the person, and if I redeem more than I have inside, then the tank will bust.

And when this happens, I lose the trust that I have from this friend. It's just like a credit card. When you've busted your credit limit, the bank trust you less. And they will be very cautious in giving you a new card or a higher credit limit.

But somehow, some people don't understand this grace points system. They only know that they can redeem and redeem and redeem, because their parents never taught them to do otherwise. And sad to say, this is a sorry case, and there's a lot of such 'redeemers' walking around.


Since we're on this parent topic, let's go deeper.

There is this generation of young kids out there that have been spoilt by thier parents. I have been told that the 20-odd year olds of today are in between the two generations. There's the X generation which are totally independant of their parents. And there's the Y Generation which are very much dependant on their parents. And being in this age group, I am the 'in-between'.

The X Generation grew up having totally being responsible for themselves. This generation was brought up on the concept the they will learn thier own way in the society, and they did. They are more aware of their social responsibilities, they are more matured in thinking, and they are the rebelious kids that cared less what their parents wanted from them. To the parents, as long as the kids grow up fine, get a job, and earn their own living by the time they finish school, they have done their bit as parents. The children expect nothing from the parents, and they demand nothing. They can't wait to be independant of their parents.

Generation Y, however, grew up under the total protection of their parents. The parents are totally protective (most of the time over-protective) of their children. These children know very little about the society outside. All they understand is that their parents give them all they can, and just because they are their children, they have a right to demand. They think that their parents owe them all the benefits that their peers are getting. They grew up demanding, demanding and demanding. And the parents duly obliged because of peer pressure from other parents. Sometimes, it has become a race as to who can lavish thier kids with more elaborate accessories. These kids grew up wearing the best that this material world could offer, wearing branded goods even before they know how to demand. They do not know how hard it it to earn an extra buck, and until they come out into the workforce, they will never know.

And this has created an entire mob of brats out there who know nothing of the rules of the 'older' society. They are not afraid to ask friends for favours and act as if their friends owe it to them just because they are their friends. They do not understand responsibilty and they do not understand the law of reciprocating a favour. They just know how to ask, ask and ask, demand, demand, and demand. And the worst thing is, they think that you owe it to them...

So, young parents out there, make sure your kids know the price of responsibility. When you ask something of someone, make sure they know that lunch doesn't come free. And most important of all, teach them how to reciprocate favours. Lest, they become blood suckers that have no regard for respect and responsibility.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Problems are a fact of life...

Day in, day out, we face problems. Problems at work, problems with friends, problems with family, problems with everyone and everything!!!

Human comminication is as such that miscommunications happen, the only variable is in its frequency.

Especially in Malaysia, where there is an entire generation of graduates out there who are neither good in English nor BM, and these are the official languages of today. I know that Chinese is the next 'in' thing, but still, emails, messages, memos, and all the sort are bouncing around with horrendous grammar and meaning making.

Blame it on the Government? Precisely!

Those who are at their prime today, the generation of 20-35 year olds out there have lousy communication skills why? Because the Government policy that forces everyone to embrace the National Language, which is Bahasa Malaysia. 15 years worth of people in the workforce now know nuts about proper English, and because BM has been constantly changing, they have lost track as well.

Well, this entire generation of Malaysians have been brought up in the name of National Unity, that everyone must be able to converse well in the National Language, that we could understand each other better. Yes, I do agree that it did enforce a bit of Unity amongst the races, but still...

The problem arose when this generation of graduates came out to work. BM has never really caught on in the corporate world (Although widely used in the Civil Service) Everyone communicates in English! Heck, I actually feel cheated by my teachers back in high-school.

"You must learn your BM well, if not, you won't be able to further your studies in Malaysia."

And what did I find during my first week in metropolitan KL??? Everyone speaks English!!!

Well, the story goes like this. When I first arrived in West Malaysia, I actually arrived in Nilai, enrolled into 'The College that Loves my Money' and I came to Subang for the weekend. So everything went fine, I took my first train ride in the trusted but unreliable KTM from Nilai all the way to Subang Jaya Station, taking a whole 3 hours worth of my time. When I jumped down from the train, escalated because I've never sat in a train before, and boarded the bus en route to The Pyramid, I asked the bus driver, who obviously looked of Malay parentage, "Pyramid Berapa?" (That's "How much to get to Pyramid?") and the reply??

"Sixty Cents!!!"

I was dumbfounded! We were asked to study so much BM during school and now this is what I get??? For all the worrying about my results, and the hard work trying to get myself up to date with the stupid changes made every year to its grammar and usage, and I get 'Sixty Cents'??? Why are we made to study so hard for BM? Only to get talked back in English by a Malay Bus Driver???

But anyhow, my point is, that it has made a great percentage of us out there, neither hot nor cold. In the pursuit of honing our linguistic skills to master the National Language, we have forgone our English and sometimes Chinese/Tamil. That's why, we ahve an entire 15 years worth of future leaders walking around in the highrises of the corporate world who have horrendous English, and have lost touch with BM.

There are GMs / CEOs / BOSSes that's sending memos that makes little or no grammatical sense.


I should get paid more for this job of correcting other people's grammar!!!

Anger and unforgiveness...

It's difficult to get rid of anger that's within you when you know that you've done no wrong.

I got angry with a friend the other day, we had a tongue fight, and haven't spoken to the person since. I accused the person of some things that I was not happy with, and the person retaliated. The argument ended with a slam of my fragile car door. (Maklumlah, Proton...)

In the end, I know that I shouldn't have bursted out in such a manner, but I really had enough of the fella's antics. Asking for favours that came with terms and conditions. Asking for help at my inconvenience and not show much appreciation for it. Cornering me into a tight space where I can neither accept nor reject to help. And dare to show an angry face to me when I did the 'required' task half an hour later than 'the designated time'... And the fella still had the nerve to justify why I was wrong!

Well, my only fault was that I bursted in anger. And believe me, it's not a good thing to anger me. I have a loud voice (which I constantly try to surpress) and when my anger gets the better of me, I am a totally different person. A scary sight no less.

To this person, I bursted out on him/her for other things that other people have done, and has thus treated her unfairly. But when I sat down and thought about it, only 2 friends do this kind of thing. This friend, and his/her housemate. I get requests all the time. I've helped friends do countless household meintenances and I've helped friends do a lot of other things. But only at my convenience. I don't let my friends down. When I say I'll go fix it for them at a designated time (that I set) I will go and do it for them willingly. But when you put me into a corner and give me no breathing space, this is what you get lah.

So we fought. And I told the person that I have feelings too, and that the person should think about my life as well. Helping a friend is helping a friend, but when the requests encrouch into my private space, then it is an inconvenience. I have been helping this person here and there, sometimes I purposefully dodge the requests because I know the fella's style.

"Oh, can you please help me with this... And I need it done by this Saturday oh..."

I mean, I don't live for you man! If you want my help then you will wait until I feel like helping. You don't ask for a favour and add in terms and conditions at the back!

I know that I am not wrong, but I should be slightly more graceful. But the fella has already used up all his/her 'grace points' and I've had enough. But still, I am his/her leader, and thus I will still need to care for this fella. Sigh... Confront, cannot. Don't confront, I suffer in silence...

Well, tomorrow, I'll need to meet this friend at our weekly meetings.

I still have a little anger and that can be dealt with in time, but I am wondering whether I have unforgiveness. I know I have not acted unfairly, but do I need to gain the person's forgiveness??? Is it even about who is right and who is wrong, and who should apologise first?

I do feel that I should be the first to say 'sorry' but will that imply that the person is right and I was wrong? and will the person learn the lesson that I want him/her to learn, which is "Selflessness'?? Currently, the person seemed to have only thought about him/herself, and his/her own motives, but has never even tried to step into my shoes. I want to teach the fella a lesson, but will that bring about unforgiveness??


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

How stupider can we get?

I was watching this certain flash presentation on a website and there's a quote that went something remotely like this:

"We forgo our health to chase after wealth, only to find that the wealth will be used to restore our health."

It's a viscious cycle really. As employees, we strive to make more money. We work endless hours in the race to earn more OT claims, we work super hard to please the client that will make or break the organisation, and we give in to the clients' requests so that they will not go anywhere else. We do this for as long as we can, and that means we are actually driving ourselves to the hospital.

The demands of today's market are as such, that in order to survive financially, you needlessly put yourself into situations where your daily health is compromised. You don't eat at regular intervals, you sleep for 6 hours and work the rest of the day, sometimes more... And if you don't do this, someone else is going to replace you.

Bosses are responsible to the shareholders to make a profit, to run the organisation with sheer efficiency, and the employees are there to do the bosses' bidding until no end. Sometimes just to save someone's face, employees are called to work 20 hours a day to meet the bosses demands. Then the employees push thier suppliers to work harder, and the suppliers push their employees into working even harder, and their employees push their suppliers, and the suppliers push their employees... and so the story goes. So in the end, who wins? NO ONE!!!

Everybody pumps and runs on adrenaline to meet ONE dateline, that ONE boss wants to meet, and in the end, you'll see that in the end, everyone is everybody else's client.

Actually, the main problem in this is greed. If everyone wasn't as greedy as we are now, then we wouldn't have been in such a situation in the first place. Everyone wants to earn more, to please the client so that they get more scraps from them, and this is all done under the illusion of efficiency and effectiveness. Actually, that is pure stupidity. When an employee reaches his 35-40 year range, this guy, who has been clocking in at 18 hours a day, daily, for the past 15 years will have broken down. If you drive your family car like it's a sports car continuously, it's gonna die on you before its lifetime.

When you realise this fact, you see that you are running around in this cycle. People amass so much wealth because they foresee that they will face trouble at the age of 40, and will need an amount of money to pay for medical bills. Cancer, diabetes, heart problems and other potentially fatal and expensive-to-treat illnesses strikes us because we haven't taken care of our own health when we were supposed to. Revving your engine too much continuously will certainly drive your engine into breakdown. The same goes for the human body.

If you don't give it a chance to rest, the wear and tear will get to you real fast.

Medical miracles like cloning an entire ear on the back of a rat are done to counter the fact that the human body doesn't have spare parts to fall back on. But why do we need the spare parts if we take care of our engines from the start? And we all know that no spare part is as good as a brand new engine.

It's so paradoxical really. You risk your health to chase after money and amass a great amount of wealth, only to use the wealth to restore your health?

But the sad part is, everyone else is doing it, and you won't be able to feed the engine if you don't...

Conspiracy to the max?

Ever wondered why the Government Owned Businesses in Malaysia always change hands??

Well, here's a conspiracy.

It's a long shot, but if you look closely, there's at least a little logic in it.

Well, General Managers, CEO's, Bosses of the Government Owned Businesses in Malaysia change hands because the Government want to create a false consciousness that they are actually changing for the better. But in truth, they change the Bosses of such businesses because it will give them an opportunity to introduce new systems and NEW RATES!!! Just look at the recent RAPID KL merger of almost every major transportation company in the Klang Valley. Change of Management, change in ticket prices.

You see, if you raise the prices of a commodity, the public will feel that they are getting ripped-off and that inflation is on the rise (AGAIN). But if you change the Management, and the New Boss comes in and make a few empty promises that the management will bring about more effective services, then the price hike can be justified. And if you haven't noticed, they keep doing it every 5 years or so. It is actually a two pronged attack. The new management will be sold as being more efficient, and the old will be deemed as a failure. But the old management didn't fail. Heck, the old systems are still there, the employees are kept because they have 'relevant experience' in the field, and in actual fact, the ONLY change in the organisation is the figure-head boss! I believe that the organisation can and will function with or without the new BOSS. The fella will come into office as the brand new CEO /GM / BOSS, and sit there, push a few buttons, make a few requests, and the existing workforce is made to bid his dirty work. Then the fella gets his monthly HUGE salary for the 'work' that he has done in helping a certain minister gain his post in the parliament.


Monday, October 10, 2005

A time to refocus.

The common man on the street has no time. Therefore he has no compassion.

Compassion is something that is selfless. It is the putting of other people's need above one's own. It is stepping into others' shoes and trying to understanding their situation.

More often than not, we, as selfish as we can be, never think or act in compassion. We only know how to think of ourselves, what we want, what we need, what we can get other people to do for us. Everything is I, myself and for my own benefit. Such people have no compassion and no understanding. These people will come to you with requests that are always over-the-top.

It's like you ask someone for a favour, and this favour comes with terms and conditions. I mean, you are asking for something that is supposedly given by grace, and yet, you still have the nerve to dump in a few terms and conditions??? How does that work? If someone wants to help you, he or she will help you on his/her terms! Who are you to ask someone for a ride, and then throw in that you need to be somewhere by a certain time? Who are you to ask people to help you fix a leak at your house, but it must be done tomorrow, before 9pm? How can you even dare ask someone to help you do something and ask them to do it within YOUR OWN convenience??

You are asking for a favour at your convenience and at his/her INconvenience. How does that work? And if the person doesn't help, you say that we are not performing our duty as a friend? That is pure bullshit and selfish!

If I can and want to help, I will help! I can come at your convenience once or twice, but EVERYTIME???? I have my own life to lead too you know. I don't live for you. I have feelings too you know. I have my own time constraints and things that I need to do within my own time frame you know...

I believe that friends are supposed to help each other out. And we should try our best to do so. But when a 'friend' is only interested in taking advantage of you, then it's a whole different case. There are some people in this world that know you as a friend, but has no time nor interest to fellowship with you. Everytime they give you a call, it'll be asking for a favour (that comes with a condition) of some sort. Anything else, they will leave you alone. Now, how does this friendship work?

Being individuals that we are, we have constantly fail to realise our own wrongs in friendships. We treat friends as if they are banks and credit cards. The friend who gives me the most benefits is my best friend. The friend who always shuns away everytime I ask him/her for a favour is 'not-friend-enough'. What kind of person does that make us? When friends shun away once, you think that they don't like you, when they shun away twice, you think that they're not your friends anymore. But how much of a friend have you been to them? Have you contributed anything towards the friendship? NO!!! All you've done is ask, ask, ask and ask for favours that sometimes undermine the friend's personal time and sacrifice.

If I am this type of 'friend', that makes me no more than a blood sucker.

So, in this moody Monday morning, contemplate on your own life, and cultivate some compassion in your life. Try thinking on behalf of your friends before asking them for a favour. Ask yourself, how much of a friend have I been before you open your pie-hole to ask of another favour. Afterall, all your friends actually need is a little bit of caring, and a little bit of compassion, and a bit of understanding. And if both parties give, both parties will always receive. But if one party always asks, and the other party always gives, then only one party receives. And when one party always gives, then most likely, the source will dry up.

Be a real friend. Acknowledge a friend today.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Thinking outside of the box...

So... what's up doc???

We are constantly reminded by fellow friends and teachers and everyone else to "THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX"

But let me ask you, what is the box? How big is YOUR box? And how would you know where is the edge of the box when you've never gone out of it yourself?

Now, one of the first things I learnt in Uni was that we all live in our own habitus. We perform our daily activities as a result of what we experienced in our habitus. We cannot therefore perform anything out of our ordinary. If we have not experienced it, we do no know it. That is why when someone asks you to do something, and you've never done it before, you do not know how to do it.

It is as simple as this: Your boss asks you to buy buns for him. You've never bought buns for him before. This is totally a new experience for you. Your habitus does not and will not accomodate this. You do not know what the boss likes, whether he has any special liking for cheese or jam, pineapple or coffee flavour, and you do not know whether he has a favourite bakery.

So in this instance, you're asked to 'Perform outside your box.' But how would you be able to perform such a task if you've never experienced it before?

You give it a shot! (Tembaklah!)

It's just like picking between A, B, C and D in a multiple choice question paper.

So sometimes, it isn't that difficult to think outside the box.

All you need to do actually is to think outside of the other person's box. People, being snobbish individuals that they are, do not like to be treated as ill-informed or stupid. So when you suggest something that the other party knows nothing about, then you'll score 1,000 points in impression marks.

So, when you're asked to think outside the box, you need only think outside of that other person's box.

wah... that was deep... and confusing... and mind-boggling...

and that got me off 15 minutes of work, awaiting the weekend.

Need to get some groceries on my way back today...

I'm drained...

Too much thinking in the past few days have rendered my mind into utter shut down.

But it's a miracle what a few friends and a gathering can do...

People need to be encouraged. People need to see positive things. People need to get away from the negativity of this world.

That's why meeting together for the purpose of encouraging one another is important. People who practise religion as an individual will not get encouragement, they get scared. Neighbours will tell you about some bad news, and therefore, as a result of such bad news, you go 'sembahyang' (pray to deities) in hope that some 'god' somewhere out there will protect you. You live in more fear, more insecurity and more negativity.

But if you constantly meet with a group of people who are there to encourage you, give you psychological support, and bring you closer to God, then you live in positivity. It helps to know that there are people out there who share the same struggles you're facing, it's good to know how some people have overcome such struggles, and it's even better to know that these people care for you genuinely, and they understand your situation.

Such things can only be good. Heck, even the direct (not forgetting illegal) selling systems have weekly meetings to 'encourage' one another. When such a group of people meet together, they fill themselves with more encouragement, more greed. These meetings are filled with 'testimonies' of how a person achieved how much material success in a short amount of time. It'll work for you if your purpose is nothing but greed.

But for me, I choose to walk in the ways of God all the days of my life.

I believe that it is not about how much a person has. It is about how he lives his life with what God has given him. Riches doesn't necessarily mean blessings.


I got deep again...

oh, well...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Ultimate Sacrifice...

In Chinese Kungfu Culture, the master always keep the last stance from his student.

The same goes for our daily lives. Businessmen always teach their proteges 90% of what they know in fear that the student will outwit the master before his time. This is actually a very bad culture. In a sense, it is to protect oneself, but when looked upon from a bigger perspective, it represents a loss of knowledge being passed down.

Sometimes, it's down to the protection of ones livelihood, whereby, if I teach you all I know, then I have made myself dispensable. This is the view of the world. This is the common practise. That's why, seniors retire with their tricks of the trade and the juniors never get to learn them. The juniors never learn because the senior never teach, in fear that they wil be made dispensable. That's why society doesn't improve!

But the ultimate sacrifice of a true leader is to teach all he knows to his subordinates, without holding back a single thing. This will bring eternal value to the sacrifice. and that's why good people die young. It's because they held nothing back, they fulfilled their destinies ahead of their peers. I believe that you will finish your time on earth when you're able to give of yourself entirely, without holding back. When you've taught the whole world all you know, and you give more than you could, then (it could be that) you have finished your task.

All it takes is a paradigm shift. If we work as if there's not going to be any tomorrow, then we will fulfill our destinies faster. But NO, we humans, we like to store up shit loads of shit. We store up because we want to prolong our suffering stay on earth? Now that's stupid. People have a tendancy to store up riches, information, knowledge, and whatever so that they will be able to prolong their suffering life. How stupid is that!?? These same people are the ones who keep complaining about how bad life is, how hard and difficult it is to live, how they suffer from pressure, and how they cannot satisfy their greed. Then, on lonely days, they think about dying.

So, you wanna go to a 'better place?'

Make yourself dispensable by teaching everything you know to the people around you. Hold nothing back. And you'll see that life is actually not that bad. People have thier own limitations. There is only one person who can take your place in this world, and that is YOU. If you're afraid that your boss will feel that you're dispensable, then the fella doesn't know how to appreciate you anyways.

It's difficult to go against the flow of society, but someone's gotta start changing.

Sometimes, it's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but take a step of faith and you'll see miracles in your life.

I do firmly believe that the Ultimate Sacrifice will bring the Ultimate Reward.

Disclaimer: This post and it ideology is based on the assumption that people do not betray other people, and that people are actually nice to one another, that they do not work for personal greed and they are duly compensated in their work.

Do not make the same mistakes that led to the downfall of MARXIST Ideology. Karl Marx was a superb thinker, with the ability to think out of his box, and was able to think beyond his time. The fundamental flaws of his ideas were that he underestimated 2 things in human beings.

1. Marx underestimated the power of GREED in man, and
2. In his course of setting Marxist thought as the ONLY ideology, he discarded religion, and in that, he underestimated the power of God.

*Sometimes, I can be so incoherant.*

Rise of the no-collar employees...

Travelling on the LRT to down-town KL everyday, it's apparent that more and more people are dressing down to work. Nowadays, there's this whole new industry out there that doesn't really care about their employees dress codes. Only those who need to service clients need to dress up properly and presentably. People like me, who get stuck in the office can wear anything I like! I go to work in my jeans and depending on the time I decide to wake up, I could come to work in a t-shirt! Heck I used to work at this place where the boss would come in on certain day wearing the 'Cap Helang' white t-shirt and his trusty jeans! and this guy dressed in rags drives a Euro-spec 5-Series Beamer!

Times are a-changing...

It was only a good 10 years back when people were proud to be white collar workers as opposed to the blue collar (industrial) workers which were most of the time also-known-as 'Operator Pengeluaran Wanita' (That's Female Output Operator in direct litaral translation for you who-do-not-know-Bahasa-Malaysia).


Well, I got my credit card activated yesterday and i proceeded in using it during my groceries shopping. It's a sense of liberation whereby I don't need to pay cold hard cash upfront, but after that, when I reach home it all sinks in that I could easily be disillusioned into believing that I have more cash in my pocket than I expect to have. Living on future money is so meloncholic...

It's like you have more cash to spend, but you actually don't...


The lamentations of a Credit Card noobie

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

All I need is...

A management guru teaches us an invaluable management theory.

"The basic needs of man: Food, Shelter & Clothing"

That is also the basic need of a dog!


I've been living like a dog!!!

This is depressing...

Supposedly, man is the only spiecies on earth that has the ability to think with logic and the not-so-common sense. Above all the creepy crawlies of the earth, only MAN has the ability to make decisions based on knowledge and analysis. All other members of the animal kingdom does things based on instinct.

But yet, National Geographic keeps telling us that whenever we do something, it is based on our basic instinct! So, subliminally, National Geographic and the alike are telling us that we no better than the common dog that pisses on your tyres during the night, that shags around with any bitch on the street, and gets entangled with their butts together out of some strange reason.

But yet, we do see the same things happening in the Kingdom of Man. We do find ourselves peeing everywhere convenient, we spit and clear our throats onto the walkways, we shag around in sleazy motels with expatriate bitches imported especially for the flesh trade, and we get our butts tangled up when the wife finds out!

Yes, some things on earth are best left to nature, like the creation of wings for an airplane, like the fabric that reduces drag underwater inspired by sharks, and the aerodynamics of a bird. But those are exterior implications. We should not blame our natural instinct when we fool around! We are given the gift of free will. So use it wisely.

It is YOU!!! You have the ability to choose to pee into a toilet bowl or on people's tyres. You also have the ability to choose NOT to spit on the floors of walkways because you could always clear the disgusting phleagm (I think that's how its spelt) into a piece of tissue and throw it into the nearest dustbin (always conveniently located not too far away), and you can choose to stick with ONE spouse, and use your analysis and knowledge to choose wisely, bearing in mind that grativy will take its toll in due time, before you commit yourself, and thus, you won't get your butts tangled up!

So, the next time someone tells you that "it's only natural", think again.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Of Long Walks and Faulty ATMs...

Realisation #1: RHB gives out great service, but takes a long time. There's an RHB branch (mini-branch) sitting somewhere outside the building where my office is. The service is OK, I get served in a very short while, but the ATM machine doesn't seem to agree with me. Since yesterday, I haven't been able to do a single transaction on the ATM except change my PIN. So I had to wait in queue for the counter to serve me. And AT LAST, my cheque got cleared! I really cannot comprehend why MayBank (which is another 200 metres away can clear an RHB Cheque in 2 days (sometimes if you're lucky, by the end of the next day), and yet, an RHB Branch needs 3 full working days to clear a cheque from a sister branch? This I cannot (SERIOUSLY) comprehend.

Realisation #2: EON Bank (a good 15 minutes walk from my office) gives great benefits, but suckish service. I went to collect my VERY FIRST credit card, and pay my Car Loan Installment. The Credit Card bit was satisfactory, they helped me do everything including activating the card for me (saving me a phone call), but the counter service is SLOW!!! repeat after me, S.L.O.W.!!! People were practically sitting there loafing around, makikng themselves at home. And the all the 5 counters were fully manned! Yet, it took 15 minutes to serve 5 customers? Ah, well, maybe they're just being careful and detailed in their procedures, so i thought.

Then I realised that there was an Cash Deposit Machine lying around, so I ventured into doing my very first loan payment via the machine. Previously, the EON Bank branch that I used to frequent didn't have the deposit machine, and the counter service was satisfactory. So I tried using the darn thing. And guess what. I didn't have enough small change with me to pay the whole sum of my installment. Now I still owe EON Bank a good RM7.45 (somehwere there) because I couldn't bank in RM1 notes, and it rejected my RM5 note. Ah, well...

So folks, that was a vivid recollection of my misadventures with the banks. Sigh...

The life of a metropolitan coolie...

Something to do...

Try this:

"When you're in front of a huge piece of glass, your perception is only limited by your own reflection."

Try it out... Go to a big window in your office/school, and try looking into it. What do you see?

Do you see your own reflection or do you see what's on the other side of the glass?

Most of the time, we live our lives in front of a huge piece a glass. We know it's an invincible barrier and we know that it's gonna hurt when we hit our heads against the glass. This barrier is time. And this time is the present.

What we see in the glass depends on how we see things. Do we see ourselves? Our own reflection and whatever is behind us? or do we see what's on the other side of the glass?

Most of the time, we cannot see what's on the other side because wherever we try to focus our eyes on, we only see our own reflection. No matter where we turn to, our own image blocks us from seeing through the glass.

But with a little sound judgement and a change of perception, we can choose to not look at ourselves and what's behind us and focus our eyes on what's on the other side of the glass. It's not hard at all (unless you're a narcissist of course...) ...

Time is always the barrier and the guard against man's future and past. The piece of glass makes sure that we get what we are supposed to get on time. Nothing more, nothing less.

Give it a try.

A good mental exercise for the morning...

Monday, October 03, 2005


What's the use of getting your pay-cheque on time every 27th of the month but it takes 3 working days to clear???

My loan installments are still waiting to be fed, and in due time, I will be getting a 'reminder' that I do have such a responsibility to to the bank!

The money better be cleared by tomorrow morning! if not, I'll be missing two datelines: Rent Due, and I've already missed my Car loan dateline...


Anyways, treated myself to a cheap and good lunch, 'ta-pau'ed from the building next to my office. Got loads of protein for a cheap price. And to counter the big chunks of meat, I got some fruits... YUM>>>

ah.. the healthy indulgeance that I can only afford once in a while...

I seem to be getting more and more distraught at the increase in price of goods... I'm already living on bare essentials, and price increase some more... Aiyoh!!!

Well, I might need to stop by the mart for a few groceries... Money flowing out like water... coming in like a sail boat...

Mondays... How predictable...

Wah, at last, I had a good time resting over the weekend.

Well, the 2006 Budget is out, and there's nothing in it for the man on the street. Petrol prices will increase, price of goods will increase, and the cheapest stuff that I used to consume has just gotten expensive. Even the freakin 'Wantan Mee' outside my apartment raised its price by 50cents. And what's happening to our salary? Stagnant, non-moving, shitty!

Materialism... hhhmmm... I was watching a documentary on China and its now seemingly open, semi-capitalist market. The girl that was featured was followed around by a camera crew for her first day on her job. The light-bulb was ignited when the family was having dinner. The parents apparently did not get to choose what kind of career they wanted to have. tha father was an engineer and the mother was a nurse because the state said so. It suddenly dawned upon me that sometimes, I have taken certain freedoms for granted. And when I think about it, I should feel slightly happy that I can at least choose what kind of career I liked. (although most of the time, parents will determine what your career path will be) but here, we can always rebel... hehehehe...

But still, I can't imagine myself being given a role in society simply because the state thought that I would do well there. But of course, the debate will be that the state knows better, and everyone will bound to get allocated a job instead of us, trying so hard to look for one.

So, during this Blue Monday, it will be good to celebrate the freedom of choice.

But still, what choice do we have when what we choose is very much determined by our ability to earn?

sigh... when inflation rises faster than income...


On a ligther mode, I went to my girlfriend's ex-classmate's wedding dinner on Saturday at MO!!! the place was like 'Wah Lau!!! We knew that the husband was the son of some big-time businessman but we weren't prepared for the opening speech made by the MC... "Tan Sri-TanSri, Puan Sri-Puan Sri, Datuk-Datuk, and all distinguished guests, a very warm welcome..." We were among the big-shots of big-shots!!! No wonder the wedding dinner was held at such a prestigious place! Service was superb! Imagine ONE waiter for ONE table! and the speed in which the course were brought out was really amazing... But the food was so-so only... Well, I guess you can't have it all... Great service, not-so-great food. Well, impression points were at the Max, but satisfaction was well below par when it came to the quality of the food. I think Overseas / Tai Thong would serve better tasting food, but of course, those places would not house Tan Sri's and Puan Sri's...

So, if you want an eloborate dinner, by all means, but if you want good food, go somewhere else...


Mondays are never fun... And I wasted my breakfast on transportation because I couldn't get money out of the ATM! I could've bought the monthly pass, but I have to settle for a touch 'n go instead because I didn't have enough cash with me... AYAM!!! Wasted RM2.40... and that is 1 teh tarik with 2 pieces of roti kosong!!!

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