Life takes a funny turn...

Whenever you think that you've made it, whenever you think that you could settle down, suddenly, you'll get an idea from no-where that unsettles you.

Maybe it's just my nature, but I don't like to be unsettled. It's not good for my emotions. (Yes, I do have emotions... I am a man, but still, I am human...) I mean, unlike girls, I do not emote most of the time. I choose to emote when i choose to emote.

Well, I had this weird dream about my grandpa, and it reminded me about the importance of family. He is now 83 years old, and is suffering from alzhiemer's every now-and-then. I only get to meet him once every year now, but I can still clearly remember how he used to bring me around. He was so proud of me when I was a little boy. I hope he still is. I haven't been a particularly good grandson to him. Well, the fact that I haven't even had the chance to do what a grandson should do. I still have yet to bring home some money for him.

In Chinese families, a son (or grandson for this matter) shows that he is fillial by bringing home money. And when parents receive pocket money from their children, it shows that their job is done. That they have brought up their kid to be a self sufficient human being that is responsible and can take care of the family. I know that times have changed, and salaries are relatively worthless nowadays, but still, I haven't been able to do that yet. So I am hoping for a relatively large 'ang-pau' from the company so that at least, I can make my grandpa proud.

I actually rue the fact that I cannot spend more time with him. The demands on life is as such these days that it makes family time difficult. Most people will not think twice when it comes to sacrificing family for career. Am I doing the same? Is my existance in KL a sign that I am sacrificing family for career? I have been living without a family in close proximity for 6 years now, and sometimes, I think I've forgotten how to live as a family. I have become an individual. I have become my own family. That means, I have less tolerance, I am less relational, and I can bet you that my family do not know me anymore. I have become a stranger to them, and they to me. I know my mom will always be my mom, and she will not stop loving me, but yet, she's getting older by the day, and I am not there to support or care for her. Same with my dad. Every year I go home, I see more and more grey hairs on their heads and I could only contemplate on how much time that I have lost. How little have I seen them, and how much they have changed.

I know that I cannot force them to come over to KL and live with me because they would be lonely here. Back in my hometown, they have friends, they have the church, and they have a house with a wonderful garden. Here in KL, they'll be living in concrete blocks that will have them facing the 4 corners of 'luxury'. But is that what they need?

Money can buy you everything you need, and more. But it can't buy you happiness. Sometimes, it is better to spend time with your loved ones instead of being able to make tonnes and tonnes of money, and regret that you've not done enough to spend time with the one you love.

Lest you wake up one day, and see that you could've done more to know and care for your parents.

The lamentations of a metropolitan prodigal.