Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I'm dry...

No, I'm not cracking up, but I am dry...

I've been hiding behind my writing lately, until I found a few friends' blogs.

They have been using it as a diary, and also a medium where their personal testimonies could be seen by others. Me, I've been hiding behind my issues, and trying to sound as politically correct as possible. I only mention God in an objective manner.

It has just dawned on me that I have been leading a life that is full of God's knowledge, and I can practically talk my way through any kind of question regarding religion and God. But I haven't been doing it in this blog because I want to keep this as an objective channel which would make my audience think about God more deeply. Thus, as my audience, you would've been reading loads and loads of observations on life, but yet, it does not have any real content because it's more of an intellectual discussion rather than something from the heart. I haven't been totally honest with you, my audience.

sorry. . .

I need to change. I need a real relationship with God. I've done enough hiding behind my own wall. I want to change. And I know I can't do this alone. I need God.

Sometimes, when you're in the midst of worshipping God, you tend to think about some things in life. And I found out once when I was singing some song to God, that "Hey, I'm singing on the top of my lungs, but who am I singing to? Do I know you God? Do I still know you?"

I have fallen so low that I have fallen flat! I am frantically trying to pull myself up again, but I have been doing it the wrong way. I can't pull myself up. Someone has to pull me up for me. When you're drowning, you can't grab yourself by the hair and yank hoping that the anti-gravitational move that your hand is making will be enough to stop you from sinking deeper into the pool of water. I need God.

It is when you're crushed from all sides,
and have no where to go,
That the love of Christ becomes so imminent,
It seeps through the cracks of your broken heart.

My heart is broken. I am crushed. I have no one to turn to. No one can understand me. No one can bear my burden.

But yet, it is only under such circumstances that I am reminded that I have Christ in my heart, and when my heart breaks, His love flows out and covers those cracks, mending my heart, saving my soul.

Sometimes, we protect ourselves from heartbreak so much that we have forgotten how to feel. That we have forgotten what it means to trust in God anymore. That we forget the true meaning of believing in God Almighty.

*The little phrase on top was written when I was facing the most difficult situation in my life a few years back. I was staring failure right in the eye because I refused to study for my college exams. I knew it was a battle lost, and I knew whatever I did would be futile. So I went into the exams without studying a single thing. I failed 3 out of 5 subjects and I left the college.*

And as you can see, my writting has dried up also...


Blogger Gab said...

Don't despair, you're doing well than most people. Come on, at least you can still write and blog about it. I'm like "wilted". It's more depressing considering my field.

Seek solace in God. "God help those who helps themselves"


October 19, 2005 5:05 pm  
Blogger SaDdNesZ.jc said...

I can't seem to get my mind around that term 'God helps those who help themselves'...

I mean, if i can help myself, why would i need God???

October 19, 2005 5:19 pm  
Blogger willywilly said...

our God who is Almighty sometimes like to play "reverse psychology".

It is when you're at your most desperate state for God, then only He will quench your thirst till "kau kau" ;p (Then only you'll appreciate mar:p)

I'll keep you in prayer that the Holy Spirit will break you, break you until you've nothing left for your ownself then the Lord will satisfy your whole being, from inside out.

Be empty-handed to be able to receive from Him again ya~

Yes, we do need God, all the time, with or without realizing :)

October 19, 2005 8:55 pm  
Blogger SaDdNesZ.jc said...

please.. don't break me no more.. i am already in minute pieces liao!!!

October 20, 2005 9:25 am  
Blogger ~Moi~ said...

that thing about God helping those that help themselves. I think its refering to strive to do things...not sit and wait til things happen for you.
Like that story about the flood. someone was stranded on the roof of his house, and the water was rising. he rejected the help of those that went by in a boat and the helicoper and someother offers to help him by saying "no thats ok God will help me"
Then he drowns and meets God and says why did you let me die I thought you would help me? And God says: I did son, I sent you the boad, the helicopter.....etc

wow I wrote alot here. I'm sure you heard the story before.

October 20, 2005 11:28 am  
Blogger ~Moi~ said...

oops i meant "boat" :p

October 20, 2005 11:30 am  
Blogger SaDdNesZ.jc said...

moi: But that still doesn't answer my question...

"Why would I need God if I can help myself in the first place???"

It is because I cannot help myself, and I realise that, that I must rely on God. I cannot save myself from drowning into my troubles. Only an external hand can pull me from inside the water. No matter hard I can try to pull myself up from the water, the fact is, I don't know how to swim, and I cannot take my own hand and pulll myself up with my other hand.

October 20, 2005 11:41 am  
Anonymous David said...

for me, God helps those who helps themselves because of the decision. God always puts the decisions in our hands. for example, it's our decision to accept him that allows Him to save us from hell.

similarly, it is our decision to help ourselves that allows God to also come in and help us out. while we may be albe to help ourselves, what we can do is merely mortal. God helps by sending the whole of heaven down for you.

just my 2 cents...

October 20, 2005 12:27 pm  
Blogger SaDdNesZ.jc said...

but shouldn't it be our decision to let God help us instead of our decision to help ourselves that matters??

Like I said: "If i can (decide to) help myself, why should I need (to decide to get) God's help???

October 21, 2005 11:06 am  

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