Sunday, July 31, 2011

I think I only write when I'm depressed...

Truth be told, the last post that you saw was a preview to my mood for the days after my posting.

I'm beginning to feel that I am only able to write when I am depressed; thus, the pen-name 'SaDdNesZ'.

And you've probably guessed right by now. I'm not feeling in the most buoyant of moods right now. Work has been over-whelming to say the least, my son's just fallen sick and I'm taking these few minutes of alone time just to gather my thoughts.

Recently, I've been doing a bit of thinking; stealing time to myself in between house chores to sit down and assess my own life. I've been perplexed and yet at the same time finding some direction in my own life.

I guess my life is just a big fat oxymoron; an idiosyncrasy unique to me. I constantly find that my thinking is on a different level from that of my peers; sometimes I wonder if only my wife understands me fully. I also find that I keep proving people wrong, in that I am turning out to be what people said that I am not; I also have the ability do the things that are directly related to my job well, but things that are not related to my job, I excel!

So I find that I have to re-set my mind set every now-and-then. Two years ago, when I was 6 months into my new job, I thought I would be a fairly good teacher. I know I could probably teach. Then, during my performance review, my boss said to me that perhaps, I am better suited to do other things. The idea was that I could teach, but it is not my calling. Then, now apparently, I am showing to be more of a teacher than I was supposed to.

That's the curse of being a generalist. I can adapt to so many things but yet I am confronted with choices that are made more difficult by the fact that I can probably do everything relatively well! I guess the only constant for me is change!

However, with that being said, I don't want to change. I crave for the routine. I want stability. But I learn things a bit too fast to keep myself from getting bored. I am beginning to think that perhaps I am not a finisher. I am probably a pioneer that does not know how to end things properly. I can sure start anything I like, but I have not seen an ending to any of my projects and at the same time, I crave to see the end.

That's the entire issue with me. There's so many things that I can do, and yet, there are so many things that I don't want to do.

I guess that when I'm depressed, I am also usually confused. I am still probably an existentialist by nature but I am living for the now and also the future.

My mind says both 'yes' and 'no' at the same time. Yes, even when I am contemplating to click on the 'PUBLISH POST' button.


Blogger theGodlyLawyer said...

You sounds like you are at the verge of getting depression brother... That's what exactly what I thought before the breakdowns. Career, work, ability... all jammed in the thoughts and you are just not getting the satisfaction... and recognition... take things easy...

August 04, 2011 11:29 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am... I seriously am... But the solace is, I will be off the hook in another week (hopefully), but the backlash of the extra time I put up in class will still take its toll on me.. I find that my work has piled up and there's even more work to come...

Lazy to log in...

August 05, 2011 7:37 am  

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