Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Anger and unforgiveness...

It's difficult to get rid of anger that's within you when you know that you've done no wrong.

I got angry with a friend the other day, we had a tongue fight, and haven't spoken to the person since. I accused the person of some things that I was not happy with, and the person retaliated. The argument ended with a slam of my fragile car door. (Maklumlah, Proton...)

In the end, I know that I shouldn't have bursted out in such a manner, but I really had enough of the fella's antics. Asking for favours that came with terms and conditions. Asking for help at my inconvenience and not show much appreciation for it. Cornering me into a tight space where I can neither accept nor reject to help. And dare to show an angry face to me when I did the 'required' task half an hour later than 'the designated time'... And the fella still had the nerve to justify why I was wrong!

Well, my only fault was that I bursted in anger. And believe me, it's not a good thing to anger me. I have a loud voice (which I constantly try to surpress) and when my anger gets the better of me, I am a totally different person. A scary sight no less.

To this person, I bursted out on him/her for other things that other people have done, and has thus treated her unfairly. But when I sat down and thought about it, only 2 friends do this kind of thing. This friend, and his/her housemate. I get requests all the time. I've helped friends do countless household meintenances and I've helped friends do a lot of other things. But only at my convenience. I don't let my friends down. When I say I'll go fix it for them at a designated time (that I set) I will go and do it for them willingly. But when you put me into a corner and give me no breathing space, this is what you get lah.

So we fought. And I told the person that I have feelings too, and that the person should think about my life as well. Helping a friend is helping a friend, but when the requests encrouch into my private space, then it is an inconvenience. I have been helping this person here and there, sometimes I purposefully dodge the requests because I know the fella's style.

"Oh, can you please help me with this... And I need it done by this Saturday oh..."

I mean, I don't live for you man! If you want my help then you will wait until I feel like helping. You don't ask for a favour and add in terms and conditions at the back!

I know that I am not wrong, but I should be slightly more graceful. But the fella has already used up all his/her 'grace points' and I've had enough. But still, I am his/her leader, and thus I will still need to care for this fella. Sigh... Confront, cannot. Don't confront, I suffer in silence...

Well, tomorrow, I'll need to meet this friend at our weekly meetings.

I still have a little anger and that can be dealt with in time, but I am wondering whether I have unforgiveness. I know I have not acted unfairly, but do I need to gain the person's forgiveness??? Is it even about who is right and who is wrong, and who should apologise first?

I do feel that I should be the first to say 'sorry' but will that imply that the person is right and I was wrong? and will the person learn the lesson that I want him/her to learn, which is "Selflessness'?? Currently, the person seemed to have only thought about him/herself, and his/her own motives, but has never even tried to step into my shoes. I want to teach the fella a lesson, but will that bring about unforgiveness??



Blogger Amanda said...

Ohh... don't need to get all angry at it.

I think when you talk things out calmly, everything can be fixed. Instead if anger is part of the discussion, it make things from bad to worse.

Well, you could at least explain to him/her of your position and how you feel. It is a pretty sensitive issue so I guess, give God a chance to lead you in your conversation. Maybe then He'll turn things around and make the impossible possible.

Well, I wish you all the best. Be positive :) and be calm...

October 12, 2005 5:21 pm  
Blogger SaDdNesZ.jc said...

Amanda: I'm trying.. VERY HARD>>>


October 12, 2005 5:50 pm  
Blogger Gab said...

To err is humane, to forgive divine. My sympathies to hear what had happened..I guess the sudden outburst is a form of retaliation. *hmmm* Relax-la, give it time to cool down..I'm sure time will heal it all.

Cheers :)

October 12, 2005 11:45 pm  
Blogger SaDdNesZ.jc said...

Gab: I just need to let some steam off...

October 13, 2005 9:41 am  

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