One Moment of Madness

One single moment of madness will kill what you've built up in years.

That's the seriousness of it.

You can take years and years to build up your cultural capital, and in one moment of misjudgement, you can have the entire empire tumbling down.

All it takes for a President to have a Monica Lee Weng Kee under his pulpit during a speech and he's doomed for life. All those years of hardwork, gone in one moment of mis-judgement.

Live life abundantly, but don't ever make a vital mistake...

I wonder if there is any other more contradictory oxymoron statement than this...

I'm busy with a few issues now.. that explains the short post... so... tata...

Responsibility...

After a good two years of working, only now I got to understand the word 'Responsibility'.

Now I know why God didn't let me leave this forsaken company...

Now, I pressume that I won't have so much time to go around visiting mindless posts on mindless blogs anymore. I have taken up new responsibilities in the studio and will be made to work harder to earn my keep.

And I thought that there's nothing else for me to do around here.

Well, all these years that I've been working, I have never pro-actively taken up any role to date, but yesterday, I got myself into a much needed responsibility. I just hope I'll get a raise for it. Well, it's a liberating feeling really. Just when I thought I was stuck here, I am now making myself more indespensable to the company.

So help me God.

On the other fronts, my right arm hurts as a result of hanging around Monkey Bars to get over to 'the other side', and also as a result of 'flicking' too much on badminton when I have not touched a racquet in like ages. So, serves me right, in the arm, the right one... I just hate it when I fail to realise that I am young no more and try to do stunts that I remember doing with ease in the past, and spend the next few days suffering from torn muscles and aching joints...

So, what gives??

An Inspiring Life...

I just hope that I have lived my life to inspire some people around me.

During the camp workshop, I met with a bunch of people who had a few things for writing. Some were raw, some were unpolished, some had talent, some had MORE talent, and some just simply came to the wrong workshop. Well, I just hope I've inspired them to be serious about writing. I can't do anything more than that with the time given me.

Well, during the preparation of the workshop, I had a serious reconsideration of my mission in life, and I seriously doubted if my dreams were real. Then I realised that I had no dream. Well, no material dream, that is. What I aspire to do, and enjoy very much is to become an inspiration to the people around me. I have always wanted that. I get a buzz from being able to change lives. I derive satisfaction from helping people improve their lives and all that.

But I wonder how can this dream can put food on my plate?

Be a counsellor? Ahahahaha... right...

I can't be a preacher, nor a minister, I want to, but that's not my dream.

But my dream isn't a pratical one...

I might cut it out at being a teacher, but I'm not sure that I want to walk down that road.

sigh...

I guess...

I guess I know what my dreams are now, since that I've just came back from this KoiNoNia Camp that was themed 'Dream Chasers'.

Through this little camp, I realised that I am one of the lucky few who came back from the dead. Well, in terms of education that is. I was rotting in my Accounting degree programme and I jumped ship to go study Communications, and here I am now, living a dream. My life's passion has always been in language and the use of it to condition people's minds. Politics, propaganda, agenda setting, and all those are my main points of interest. And although I am working as a Copywriter in an insignificant Ad Agency, I am at least doing something that I like. I don't throb with passion for this job, but at least it's not one of those jobs where you slog to the office to return to the same thing day and day again.

So, I came to realise that my mission in life is actually a vague but profound one. I aspire to be an example to the people around me. That is weird, and that will not put rice on my table. But at least it's noble.

Integrity and compassion isn't a common trait nowadays. People are williing to be more compassionate towards a 3-legged dog on the side of the road than to human beings who have no food ot eat. Sometimes I wonder why...

So too is a noble dream. Nowadays, we are taught to fend for ourselves so much that we have so little time to care about anyone else besides our immediate family. Sometimes, even family members get ostracised.

I guess all I want to do is to bring some humanity back into human beings.

But then, with the post modern era, we are nothing more than task oriented machines that are trying to fend for ourselves, to quench our own desires, and live a life of a dog so that we can build a comfortable home for others to see, but we do not use ourselves.

So, what's your dream?

and oh... A friend just went back to Kota Kinabalu for good... she's setting up shop there and if the busines venture goes well, that could be the last I see of her in a looonnng time... so... 'Have fun'...

The road less taken...

People have improved, they have evolved into modernity, they have increased their knowledge, literacy is at a peak, and yet, people don't know where to line-up???

Well, I'm a commuter that is slowly getting used to being on the train everyday. I just hope it won't be for my entire life. So, every morning, after I drop-off my girlfriend at her office, I'll be happily moving along the road to get to my train station. Then after I parked my car and all that, I will go up to the terminals and stand in line for the next train. Well, sometimes, there is no line as the train before me has just left, picking up all the waiting commuters. And since the terminal doesn't have a properly drawn area to tell the commuters where to line up, some people just don't seem to be able to know where the doors of the train will be at.

You see, the train is an automated machine. Fully automated means that it is a creature of habit and programming. So it stops at the same spot everytime! Well, miscalculations aside, it will stop at the same spot time and again.

So, in all kiasu-ness those who know the rules of the game knows where to line up in order that he/she will be able to get on the train the fastest. And how does one look for where to line-up??

Look at the spot that's been trampled on the most!! There will be dark 'dirtied' spots on the floor telling you where the people have trod on a lot.

So, the common man, the regular traveller, and the seasoned commuter will do that. It's the simplest and most convenient road to travel on.

But what about the road less travelled?

Most of the time in our lives, we are just happy to go along with what society deems as normal. Our eyes are fixed on what society deems as 'What you should be doing'. We often fail to look up and see other possibilities that may be ahead of us. Do you know why we never get out of our own maze? Our rat-race? That's because unlike rats, we don't have a keen sense of smell (there's always a piece of cheese at the end of the maze). Dah-lah we only look at the floor that under our feet in fear of tripping over some small rock, we don't use all our other senses to get ourselves out of the maze. If only we would stop and strategise a bit, we would be able to get out of any situation.

And sometimes, all we worry about is our future. Well, in actual fact, life is so fragile that there won't be a future for you if you fell off a bike tonight, or suddenly, while you're on the road, a lorry (truck) comes ploughing into you from the other side of the road! We could simply die at any given time man! So why worry about the future?

People have tried looking into the future because of curiousity and anxiety. But what's the fun of living in the present if we already know the outcome of what's ahead of us? Ok, we might be able to foresee that there will be a massive car accident here and there, and avoid it, and we might know that later in life, we would be suffering from lung cancer, thus we stop smoking now, or that we got to know that there will be a natural disaster at a given time, and we fly off to take a holiday while the thing happens. But that doesn't stop us from dying. It only prolongs our life, yes. But in the end, we are surely going to die. There are only two things that is a sure bet in life. First, there is a God, second, we're all gonna die.

So... why look into the future and spoil the present?

Take the road less travelled, and see what surprises that may lie ahead.

God's always there to make sure you don't die before your time. And suffering is just part of life. Everyone suffers in life because we are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world. So stop moaning and grieve on your troubles, and start living life with gusto and hope.

So, why not put your life on a 'sure bet' and see what surprises may spring up...

*Post inspired by last night's sermon preached by Dr. Robertson.

Happiness

Is only a state of mind that will vary according to your environment.

Well, For some unknown reason, I slept late last night, and I woke up refreshed this morning!

What on earth???

Life ain't gonna get any crappier than this... sigh...

I just hate it when I feel happy when I've done something that's so wrong. I mean, I slept late, but I felt good when I woke up. Now that is something you don't get everyday... I slept on time for the previous two nights and I woke up groggy. shheeessh...

Ah, well, my hopes are high and expectations of this weekend is getting my adrenaline up. I'm going to a camp!!! Yea!!!

Well, camps for me have been very few and far in between. I was unfortunately born in the year whereby the biggest of all camps always fall on my Government exam years. I went to this state-wide camp when I was in Form 1, and then the enxt one was when I was in Form 3 (PMR) and the next when I was in Form 5 (SPM). WHY????

But I had the opportunity to join the smaller camps that went on in between and they have been good memories.

Well, I seriously don't know what to expect. I am an ageing man trying to fit in with the kids at camp. I saw the name list on who's joining which workshop, and most of them are my youngest sister's age. Which is 7 years younger than I am... I just hope that I can still relate to them.

Well, the good news is, I'm on leave this Friday! Yay!!!

Meaningless...

In the end, we're all gonna die...

I haven't been enjoying my sleep for the past few nights. I mean, I am getting my obligatory 6-7 hours a day, but then, I don't get it why I don't wake up feeling refreshed. It's depressing ok...

It's like sleeping is a waste of time, but still I have to do it because it's the 'right' thing to do...

I just don't know why sleeping is not doing it for me...

Sigh...

I've been dozing off in front of my computer at work and that's not good. But I just can't help it. It's not like I missed a few hours of sleep last night... I went to bed on time, fell asleep on time, did everything on time, but I just don't feel fresh.

Sigh...

Oh well... Life goes on... I am not the one who's in charge of when I live or die... So.. I'll just have to live it as I see it everyday...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah well, Life is full of uncertainties. Prices of goods are increasing, raw materials are shotting up like nobody's business. Heck even sand is facing a price increase. SAND!!! SAAAANNDDD!!! Like the stuff that you can build castles on the beach with??? I wonder if one day, we will need to station policemen at the beaches so that people don't steal sand from there...

I was chatting with a friend online just yeterday... She's studying in Aussie and will be graduating soon. So I asked her if she plans to stay in Aussie and work or not, and her reply was a definate 'Yes'. Well, most of them do. And in the same breath, she told me that Malaysia will be having an economic downturn in 2 years time.

Well, I told her that it is already starting to feel bad now. Price of things are shooting up like rockets into the blue sky... and if it's not considered as a depression now, imagine how bad it will be in two years time?

Apparently, it was a prophecy that she heard about in church...

So that got me thinking. God does have a habit of giving warning to the people in times of depression. Everytime there was going to be a famine, God would send a message to His people so that they will not die. So is this a message for me to start planning my finances properly so that I will not be hit so badly when the real depression comes?

We are so gonna die...

false hope..

Life is full of hope, some false, some real, some uncalled for, and misguided, and some misintepreted as faith...

I was just telling a friend...

"The sinner and the righteous suffer the same fate. Death."

"Sometimes I do feel that living a life of religious piousness is futile. But then again, I am not a gambling man."

"I am not going to gamble, that in the end of the day, when death knocks on my door, God does not exist."

A lot of people live life based on a lot of false hopes and fake securities.

So, there was this man that had everything life could offer. He had wealth, health, and a booming company with exponential growth and income. He had the house of dreams, gets driven around in a nice luxurious car, and eats at the finest restaurants. He had everything he wanted, he could get anything he liked. So he went on living his life in folly and extravagance.

Then BOOM!!! A 5 tonne slab of concrete falls from a construction building 10 floors up and hits his car...

So, if that is the meaning of life that we're all chasing for, we are nothing more than a few jokers trying to kid ourselves.

False hope.

That 'it won't happen to me'...

Well... as long as you know who you're kidding here...

Thus, cherish life. Though it may not be great, it may suck at times, and we are constantly suffering, trying to outwitt other people, cutting lanes just to gain that little extra profit...

I would rather live without hope than to live in false hope...

At last...

I have something to do at the office!!!

I've been given assignments that only need half an hour's research + 15 minutes of writing. Sometimes I wonder why the bosses still keep me around. Well, they keep me around mostly to do stuff like that. I'm free to surf the net, chat with friends, as long as I do my job. And I don't have a job to do most of the time!!

Well, it came to me as a surprise, when I was actually handed something that required a longer period of time to finish, I was happy! I was actually happy to be given something to do...

I've been vegetating in this office for almost two weeks now and I got happy over soome menial task that required minimal thinking, and a lot of coordinating and copy-checking... I have gotten so low...

I need a life...

Seriously... I need a new pet, a new experience or a new lease on life. I've been scouring the recruitment pages every other day, but to no avail... sigh...

It's been quite some time since I've been out with the girlfriend, although we spend most nights together at her place, but we haven't been going out. Maybe that's why life got bland... Sigh... There's so much to do, so many people that needs attention... So many projects in church...

I am truly, well spent...

Llife is short...

I just realised that what I have built up over these few months can just crumble at once...

Reminds me of how fragile things with life are. Glory can be like flowers, here today, gone tomorrow.

But there's only this thin line between faith and glory.

I have done things based on faith, but there's only this thin line that I can cross to walk into self-glorification and turn into a total flop in the end.

Success breeds success. But success can also be addictive. Sometimes you get addicted to it that you are willing to risk more and more things for success. Sometimes, you get so engrossed in success that you fail to realise that there's this this line between genius and total loon.

The perfect example is this:
My high school, just before we went into our final preparations for our SPM (Government Exams), asked a senior who got an A1 in Moral Studies to give us a prep talk on how to score in the said paper. And he duly gave his tips. He told us, "Once you get into the hall your exam questions will have a blank page at the back. Use it to spew out all the things that you have memorised and you'll find it easier to score." *For those who haven't gone through what a living hell it was, we were given 64 points (Nilai Moral) in which supposedly sums up the entire moral system in Malaysia. Everything in the exam questions will be graded according to these 64 points and the proper use of the points as examples to which we argue our point of view. (Now I understand why God gave us only 10 commandments. We will never ever be able to memorise all the 64 points into our minds. Never ever.)

And when we had the opportunity to question him, he told us to write as many relevant points into the essay as possible because the marking system is as such that you mention the point in the essay, you get the marks. So assuming there is this question about racial harmony, and you listed 10 points (nilai-nilai moral; for example 'tolerance') to back up your answer. If the marker finds that you have hit 7 points on his Marking Scheme, you get 7 out of 10 marks for that essay. So if you put in 15 points, you have the chance to hit more points on the fella's marking scheme.

So we were told to stuff as many points as it is humanely possible in your answers. Apparently, language, structure and cohesiveness isn't too much of an issue. So I tried to stuff in as many 'nilai' as I can cohesively crock up from the regurgitated points behind my question paper but I still got a C5 for it.

He did the same thing, pack in all he could for his paper the year before and he got an A1. That's a good 30-40 point gap for doing the same thing. Same method, different people, one thin line. Genius vs Flop.

So, sometimes, I must admit, that I am seeing things that tells me I'm going to be a total flop in the near future. I mean, I have faith in God that He will deliver the results if it is for His glory. But there's only this thin line that differentiaites between His glory, and my own. It only takes 1 small step in front to cross that line and grab God's glory away for myself. I just hope I'm not doing that.

I saw a need, I took care of it, and now, it seems bleak. sigh... Faith? or Flop??

Silence

It's deafening when you can hear nothing within your own heart.

Hollow, spacious and lonely...

I wonder why...

I have filled my own time and mind with quite a lot of things lately, but everything seems futile...

Existentialist...

We're all gonna die...

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Life has just fallen into the mundane and there's nothing much I can do about it. My girlfriend keeps reminding me that I should stay positive.

My ventures into a new job has came back futile. Went to an interview, sent resumes out, but no news yet. And seriously, come to think of it, maybe I should just sit around and wait until the year end bonus comes out before I take leave.

Everything has just gone dormant. Even my mail box is attracting flies.

Sigh...

It's weird when I feel like this. It's like I'm in this semi-depressed state. I'm slightly depressed... but yet, I'm not depressed... I'm deflated... but yet, I also have many things going on for me...

Maybe I need to get out more often...

Sigh...

It doesn't help a bit...

My boss came over to my desk just now for some small talk...

I wonder what the whole episode was about. Apparently, there's gonna be a serious price increase of EVERYTHING in the market. From normal commodities to construction materials. Apparently, from now onwards, you won't be able to buy a house for anything under RM200K. And most important of all, as cost of materials are increasing... Anyone who's bought a house which is still under construction had better start praying hard.

The price of everything is going to rise, that's why retailers are trying to push sales.

Then apparently, sources from within the government departments say that there isn't much money going around. And that means less liquid gold flowing into the economy. And that means that we're all gonna die.

But the most important point is, why is my boss telling me this but not say anything about any increment??

puik...

Sometimes, CommonSense

Ain't too common...

Sometimes I wonder if we, Malaysians, use our brains at all...

So the story goes...

There was this lady waiting in line at the LRT station. The train came, its doors swung open and immediately the lady tried to force her way into the train. Then this big guy behind her had the smarts to tick her off by saying 'Excuse me, lady, we're all waiting in line here, could you just let the people come out from the train first?'

Rightly so!

It's just plain stupid. There are people who are already struggling to find a gap in between the sardine packed commuters and there was this lady trying to worsen the the situation by pushing people inside??? Where was her common sense? Goodness, where was her brain??

And to think that she got off somewhere in the City Centre, she must be working in some major company as an executive at least. We're talking about degree holders here, for crying out loud... Sheesh...

Then there's the common Kiasu Rush of traffic.

Accidents happen. Almots everyday. Well, sometimes on the other side of the road. And these people... they slow down their cars to see.

And most people fail to realise that by doing so, ONE single stop can cause a jam for up to a few kilometres. Here's how it happens. You stop in the middle of nowhere, cars behind you will inevitably stop too. And once they feel that you've stopped for no particular reason, they will try to find a reason. Curiousity does kill the cat. And so, they waste a second or so to spot the commotion. And soon enough, the cars behind will stop too. Assuming that every car stops for 1 second, and it takes another second for the driver to set his gear back to 1st. 10 cars makes it 20 seconds. And then, take into consideration that not all cars have an equal acceleration rate. There are jokers out there who would accelerate and tailgate the car in front, whereas others have a slower acceleration rate. So those who have a faster acceleration rate will inevitably have to stop for the car in front which has not got so much power in its engine. So it becomes a game of Accelerate vs. Brake. And once it goes into this mode, the jam will start to pile for another few kilometres...

And at this point, if everyone had a little bit of patience, and drive at a steady 20-25 kilometres per hour, the jam would ease up rather quickly. Everyone would be able to move smoothly and there won't be any need to braking and accelerating.

But then, this is Malaysia. We like the jam... Without the jam, we won't be able to put one leg up and drive with our left leg (applicable to auto-transmission cars only), or take time to show some love to our passenger with some excessive PDA, or pick our noses and throw the boogger out of the window, or take a slow ciggie while dangling our hands out of the window.

Without the jam, we won't have a 'valid' let out of cuss words that's been stored in our bodies after an entire day's work. We can't target them at our bosses, and we shouldn't let out at our families, so why not used the stored up energy at some 'hero' driver who tries to cut lanes without signalling?

Shheeeessshh....

I seriously wonder why our graduates can graduate with so many degrees, professional papers, and yet have no common sense.

An Altered State of Mind

Sometimes I really wonder what my mind holds.

How much of it am I using?

Am I using it correctly?

What if I don't have enough brain juice to get me through life?

As I was talking to my dad last night, we pondered upon life and how to maneuver though it in between the deadpan silence that is starting to become a trademark of our conversations. My father's a silent man. He's always thinking, probably, but yet, he has been known to be a man of little words. I wonder how he functions as a member of so many a church's committee. He's been active in church all his life. He is always in this committee as a treasurer, a committee member, a secretary, well, he's been a lot of things. I just wonder how he gets through the meetings.

Well, we were talking about the harsh economy that lies in wait for us in the near future, and it seems that we are indeed on a death row. The clients are always and forever cutting their budget to save a few quid, but yet, prices of consumer goods continue to rise. Just a few days back, a bowl of mee cost me RM4.20!! Now that is clever marketing... the sellers are now being bold and have taken this opportune time to increase their prices as the Government Officials have now focused their bloated stomachs elsewhere. The dust on the petrol price increase has just settled and the road ahead looks foul. And because of the settling down of consumers attitude, sellers are now slowly increasing their fare.

I seriously don't blame them. They're earning their keep the hard way. It's not like they're driving a Merz or a BMW to their stall...

But the economy is in such a sorry state that in the near future, credit card companies will have a time of their lives trying to pressure people into paying up their bills.

Things are getting more expensive by the month, but our salary adjustments only happen once a year. And that too, is normally way below the average inflation rate. Felt inflation within these 6 months of 2006 has been great! Before Chinese New Year, a bowl of 'Mee Soup' would have set you back RM3.50-RM3.80 depending on where you eat. A cup of our Malaysian Teh Tarik was RM1.30. So on average, you'd have to have RM5.00 for a hearty meal. Now, price of a bowl of Mee is RM4.20, and Teh Tarik is RM1.50. That's RM5.70 for a meal. And if my calculations are correct, that's a 14% increase. And we consider ourselves lucky if our salaries increase by a measly 5%??? How to counter inflation??

We will inevitably find ourselves job hopping for a bigger salary and we will max out our credit cards before our 1 month probabtion period ends. Employers will tell you that to give you an RM3,000 salary as compared to what you used to earn previously is unjustifiable. Everyone in this market is underpaid. And as an employee, I do feel that a RM3,000 salary per month isn't a great deal considering the fact that you won't be able to save anything more than a couple of hundred bucks per month.

Car Installment is already RM500
Petrol usage per month would amount to around RM350
Rent/Housing Loan is a good RM1,000 if you're staying in an apartment worth RM150K, which is considered a medium low cost place.
Apartment Maintenance Fees RM150 (rough figure)
Parking fees would be a good RM100 per month
Car maintenance is a good RM100 every month
Household items like toothpaste and general kitchen foodstuffs would amount to RM200 per month if you're staying alone
Food would be RM6.00 per meal times 3 meals a day times 30 days equalling to RM540

And that leaves me with... RM60 for savings. And that is on a RM3,000 per month salary!!!

Tell me.. how to work for an RM2,000 per month? Go live in Kepong or somewhere in Ulu Klang issit? Save on Rent and Food and spend the amount saved on travelling? Or move to a vicinity next to your office???

We are truly and surely doomed...

Classifieds... Jobs...

Sometimes I wonder...

"Why do i get myself into situations where I cannot get out of?"

It's hard enough to balance your books. It's difficult to handle 2 credit cards. It's difficult when your salary cannot afford your lifestyle. And I am not even living the high life. I have only bought essentials for most of the entire 1.5 years of my working life. Soap for my baths, the cheap type too... Second cheapest shampoo I can find on the shelves, clothes are a novelty that I constantly find myself receiving. I haven't bought a single shirt/t-shirt in like 2 years! Most of my clothes are either gifts from friends who know my plight, or forced down my throat by my girlfriend. Most of the time, I'd repay her what I gauge the clothes would cost. Some came from the Pasar Malam stalls, and I haven't had a new pair of shoes for almost 2 years now. Slippers have been kept at bay by buying the RM3 per pair ones from the hypermarkets. And I do buy in bulk too so that I don't need to go back for more every other month.

I guess the only luxury that I have afforded myself is the occasional splurge on my guitars. Oh the strings... the equipment.. and on a normal week, I would be banging my guitar to fill the atmosphere for Cell meetings. Lucky me that nowadays, the church has two good contraband plug-ins. Saves a lot of money on strings on my side. I used to play my 12-string in church. That's Practises on Tuesdays, Cell Group on Fridays, and the real thing on Sunday Mornings. That's a good 3 heavy strumming sessions per week, almost every week. And that is some heavy usage. I used to bust my strings every month because they have been over-used and over stretched. And that's a good RM40 per month. Thank God that the price of Guitar Strings have dipped a bit recently.

Now, I have 2 guitars to look after. My 12-String (RM32 per set) and my 6-String (RM17 per set).

Sigh...

Sometimes it is indeed difficult to serve God and be a good leader in church, and at the same time do well at work.

Work is work and should be treated with all due professionalism. But every organisation you join will demand a few things from you. Dedication, commitment, and responsibility are some vital demands that seem trivial to some.

Sometimes, opening a church is more difficult than setting up your own business. I know this because I have seen my little church grow from a 120-strong congregation into a 400 per week set-up. We have been making a loss every month until a good year ago. And that is a good 8-9 years before we broke even. The church is now 11 years old and we're only making a little surplus.

One of the reasons is that we are still predominantly a student ministry. We are targetting all walks of life, but our main work is focused on student work. College students. That is indeed a tough target audience as most of them come and go within 3-4 years. You take a good 2 years to train them up as a potential leader, and it's about time they left for a twinning programme or they've finished their express degree from Inti.

And once they come out to work, we lose some of them to the world. Money's call is more alluring than the narrow road that God set out for us.

So I find me constantly asking myself, what if I have never gotten involved with God?

What if I hadn't the need to 'give back' to God in terms of my monthly tithes and offerings? I would have 10%-20% to use each month. What if I hadn't the need to take time out for the church's ministry, I would be able to work a long day everyday, without the need to rush back to Worship Team Practice and Cell Group, and I would be able to commit myself to some retail part-timing so that I can earn more money.

But then, without God I am nothing.

I know there's no need to worry about a thing if I put my hope and trust in God. But then, I am not a man who sits down and waits for stuff to happen.

Sigh... I am underpaid in this copywriting business. I know it and my bosses know it. The whole world knows it. But then, there's no one else who'd want to pay a large sum for a good enough employee. Every boss out there would rather get their hands dirty on the job rather than pay a high price for a good employee.

So... unless I can get myself into a large multi-national company or something, I am doomed. I need to save up for marriage, I need to save up for my new apartment, I need to use money for my car, rent, and bills, insurance policies, taxes...

Money is indeed evil if you become its servant. But how to master money when you don't get enough to even handle?

God, I need some serious deliverance from this...

Weakness is only a State of Mind

A lot of things will happen in our lives. Saddness, difficulties, happiness, loss, hope, love, joy...

I would say, life is like a football match. It balances out. Sometimes, you get the odd lucky goal that went in via the back of your heel, even if you didn't mean to shoot it. Then you can shoot and shoot and shoot, but it doesn't go in.

Sometimes, effort doesn't really justify the results. Sometimes, the results don't justify the effort that's been put in.

But as human beings, brought up on the misconception of 'negativity = prudence', sometimes, we tend to forget that we are thinking on the weaker side of things.

A team that doesn't attack will not score a goal. It's a simple fact of life. Opportunities are there for you to grab, it's everywhere! But if you don't attack it, and choose to live in the negativity of prudence, you will simply not score a goal. Never.

Besides, a team who constantly defends does not have the guarantee of keeping the other team from scoring.

So what's wrong with attacking then?

If you fail this time, you go home, you take the points learned from this defeat, and start to work at your weaknesses. Improve. Do not lie down and think that you are weak. Do not believe that you are weak. Once you sort out your mistakes, your defense will automatically be improved. But if you only work on your defense, then you will never attack. You won't lose a game, but you will never win it either if you don't score.

But also listen to your own body. Like me. If you feel sleepy, sleep. Don't think that you can attack your enemy whilst still in a zombified state.

I think that's it then. I'm off to slumberland for a while...

What Weekend???

Somehow, I didn't overwork myself over the weekend... but still I woke up this morning feeling gutted, demotivated, unmoved...

Snoozed all the way until it was too late to get up, tried to sleep in the LRT, zombied to the office, and head a hearty breakfast of Roti Bakar at the Mamak Stall below my office.

The good news of the week is, my team won the FA Cup Finals!!! But it was a game that's not too good for the heart. It does start to seem that Liverpool has this thing for dramatic and heart stopping finals. But heck, they're a team that's gonna go places. So CONGRATS TO ME AND ALL THE LIVERPOOL FC SUPPORTERS!!!!

Oh, Cell Group also multiplied last weekend. YEAH!!! More to come, Bring it on y'all... (ok, ok, I'm stopping this American-afro stuff) But yeah. It's gonna be a new challenge, a new group, a new culture, and a new calling. More work needs to be done, but it's a cause for celebration.

But I stil find myself deflated physically. Mentally I'm doing ok I guess, but physically... sigh... I couldn't even run properly at the football match on Sunday...

I need a rest...

Rats!!!

The weekend crept up on me...

I'm serious this time...

Tomorrow's a Friday, but it's a public holiday!!!

Yay-NESS!!!

I have just been told that...

...that the Marketing and Communications post was a goner...

That sucked... I had seriously put much hope in that job, but then... They are interviewing someone else...

So... I guess it's not my destiny that I leave Copywriting...

Sigh...

Ah, well...

Dig in, dig deep and get on with it...

Now, I wonder if the fellas from yesterday's interview will call me...

I just realised...

That most of my finer thoughts pops up during my LRT ride to work. But once I reach the office, it's gone...

That is bad...

Ah... well...

I was just thinking about the fact that if I did move to a more challenging job, I would have to leave this blog dormant. And that's a scary thought.

I mean, I've gotten so attached to this blog and all its 5 readers that I feel a responsibility to keep this collection of uncollected thoughts running. People read me... And I gain a little tinge of satisfaction from that fact (Although there's the entire troupe of 5 of you).

As a writer, I think the need to be read is tantamount. The ability to influence lives, the ability to use a properly stringed sentence to form an opinion that matters, the sociological effects that can be made, the provocation, all that. I am addicted to all that. As a matter of fact, every writer should be addicted to all that.

I am now in the final preparations of the workshop presentation that I am going to make. For those who aren't in the loop, there's this fellowship camp that my church is organising and it's themed as 'Dream Chasers'. Our target is to get youths to seriously think about thier lives, and chase their own dreams, not their parents dreams. And we have provided them 10 workshops in which are out of the normal 'money/status professions'. All our parents want us to grow up to be a doctor, and engineer, a lawyer or an accountant. Nowadays, pharmacists also join that list. But what the parents fail to understand is that not everyone is made for that kind of a job.

What if the kid is seriously talented in Art? Fashion? Writing? Language? Movies? Music?

Are they supposed to put this talent aside and lament when they are old and at the peak of thier mid-life crisis that they should have walked the line and became a musician? That they chose to follow their parents wishes and live a life of unfulfilled dreams?

Of course, there are risks involved that the child is really young and fickle minded, that the fella could destroy his only hope of a stable job at the bank in exchange for a life of a bar-hopping musician. That is why, we are letting the youths of today in on some industry secrets. We have young and upcoming professionals to come in and give workshops on how the real industry is. There's going to be a thing on How to Produce an Album (CD), Social Ettiquette (Talk given by a HR Exec), Creative Writing (ME!!), Fashion (Workshop by a girl who graduated in Fashion Design and is now working with a Design house), Movie Making (The fella is a genius and he just came out of Malaysia's Largest Post-production house to be a lecturer), and there's something on Critical Thinking for the philosophers and a few other things.

I'm lining up what I would like to do with my class and how to get them to think like a writer. Actually, from my experience, writing is more of thinking. It's not just the ability to write and string proper sentences, but writing is very much about the content. It is the art of communication of an issue, and idea, or a vendetta. You can tell me that a cup is a cup and should acta nd perform like a cup, but that is just being direct. A cup can have many uses. It can be used to hold water, it can be used to hold pens, it can be used to scoop things. And how you tell all this to your audience dictates the success of your written piece.

So...

You wanna join the camp??

hehehe... contact me... :)

Failure...

I went, I saw, I came back melancholic...

The place was nice, they had really good clients, traffic wasn't too bad, the place had nice restaurants and in general, not bad at all. But the offer, I feel, won't be anything nice.

Ah well, I guess I'll just have to dig my heels in and slog through this...

Good points were, that they have a really good set-up. One writer, One Artist. That's how things should be. Not like 1 writer, 10 artists.

They have good and reputable clients, quite a lot of accounts, and I think that the working environment ain't too bad.

I thought that the traffic conditions would be a killer, but it was smooth sailing all the way...

I don't know...

Hopes aren't high... Well, I'll see how it goes.

As for now... I'm letting this slip off my mind...

Afterall, I've done my best to get the job, and it's up to the boss to see whether he wants me there...

All in all, I do think that it was a good enough interview. I asked him a few things, he asked me a few things... But I've been offered jobs over worse interview performances.

Besides, I'm still waiting for the Marketing & Communications Department to call me for an interview...

I have tread where no man has tread before..

Well, not exactly...

But who of you, my dear readers (yes, all five of you...) have walked through the belly of the beast?

I was at KLCC for a little rendezvous with my colleagues. One of them wanted to get something from Isetan. And so, we got separated. And I was alone looking at some sport shoes and other stuff.

Then when I called them to ask about their location, they told me that they were one floor down, so I walked the mile and thinking that 'all shopping centres are the same', and all things being equal, I should be able to get downstairs faster if I used the emergency staircase. It's located in between the shops instead of the end where the escalators are. So I was at Kinokuniya trying to get myself into Isetan Supermarket. And I see a staircase that should lead me right next to the Isetan entrance. I opened the emergency staircase door and I proceed downstairs.

Then to my horror, it's a one way door!!! It locks itself from the inside and I can only get out if someone else from the outside side opens the door for me.

I WAS STUCK IN THE EMERGENCY STAIRCASE OF KLCC!!!

And the only way out is DOWN!!! I was at the 5th floor, and the Exit was on the Ground floor. It's not the fact that I had to traverse the entire 5 floors down, but the fact that I was alone, trapped inside, with only ONE way out... What if there were druggies inside? What if I got killed down there?? No one would know. No one would realise. What if I got mugged? Raped?? *GASP*

So I rushed down, and walked through the belly of the beast. It was indeed a scary moment for me, knowing that if someone somehow, decided to end my life there, it could happen. And then, suddenly, I found myself outside. I seriously think that the people who saw me coming out from the exit thought that I was nuts and wondered where did I come from. It was at the back of Isetan, just next to the staff entrance. I had to walk a good 100 metres just to reach the KLCC side entrance that was facing Avenue K.

That was both scary and claustrophobic. I could've died. I could've been raped, I could've been trapped inside with no way out...

...

So, the lesson of the day:
1. KLCC is not Sunway Pyramid
2. Never use the stairs in KLCC
3. Now I know where the Isetan staff entrance is

Responsibility

I've been watching 'I not stupid' these two days. The first installment, and the second installment...

And it struck a note in me. My pastor also preached about this...

We are born into loving and caring famillies that give us everything we need. A good house to live in, home-cooked food, dishes taken care of, nice shoes to wear, my very first pair of Levi's at the age of 10, driven around by mom or the chauffeur, money to burn... We are denied nothing. Save for a little freedom here and there. As kids, we were made up and dressed up to be 'presentable' to the society of the day. And as our parents would have it, we shall not be in want.

Even when it comes to responsibilities.

Every mess we make, there's a nanny or domestic helper to clean up after us, and if the parents couldn't afford to hire one, they will bring in the grandmother. And since hitting your child in public constitutes 'public felony', kids get away with murder. Anything to maintain a good public image.

And because of this, kids just get away with more and more things. The next time they want something, they will make a fuss in public knowing that the parents will let them off the hook. And once in the house, they storm into their comfy rooms away from your wrath.

And because they have this safe haven to retreat to, they are spared the humilitaion and the need to be responsible.

They know that they will not be held responsible for a lot of things and that Daddy or Mommy will be there to defend them from public disgrace.

And this trend is remarkably increasing and prominently happening in offices. The job market is as such now that employees are given the ability to retreat to their own comfy rooms just like when they're kids. It's a vicious cycle really.

The company, for the sake of saving a little trouble of firing and hiring, will keep the fella there until he/she hands in his/her resignation. Some are kept for financial reasons. Like my office. My boss would prefer to hire two new freshies at a lower salary than to hire one senior artist that may be twice as efficient as the two juniors, all to save a little money.

And the bosses are held hostage by this. You want someone who is responsible on their job, you need to spend a lot of money... And sometimes, even when you pay premium salaries for a premium employee, you still get the "I cover my own ass" notion from them.

It's been a 'Cover my own ass' kind of employee market out there and it seems that those who 'Cover their own asses' well are those who reach the top. Cover for yourself is a good thing, but not until the point of relinquishing responsibility from your actions...

How often do we get the "I don't know about this shit. All I know is, I have done my job properly, it's not my fault."

That's the mark of a lack of responsibility.

But if you take the responsibility on your own shoulders, you'll be in line for the sack.

So how??? HOW????

Monday Blues... And Yellows...

I just hate it when I awake from a night's slumber feeling like I haven't slept at all. The last thing I remembered was switching off, and the next moment, my alarm clock's ringing in my ears. That's not all. After struggling to wake up on a blue monday, I was greeted by the sun right in my eyes when I drove Eastward to downtown KL. That's just nice... Seriously... How worse can it get to start off my morning.

Then, I arrived at the Mamak below my office only to have eaten a char-smelling breakfast. Roti-Kosong with Dahl. The Dahl was overcooked and had a burnt taste to it. The waitress had the wits to try to cover it up with a different tasting curry.

Into the office, I realised that I had a lot of work left undone.

Sigh...

I need a break...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm still mulling over the job interview. How to go there, and how to conduct the entire thing. How to present myself, and what the bring, what to do.

Then I have my girlfriend on one side of the argument that it's not worth the travelling, and the inconvenience, and that it'll disrupt my responsibilities in church.

Then there're the friends who are telling me to go see. After the entire ordeal, then only gauge whether it's worth it or not.

Sigh... It's shitty when it comes to indecisiveness.

For now, I think I'll go into the toilet and snake a nap. hehehehehe

Lukewarm

I hate, loathe and detest...

I went to lunch with the colleagues at this eatery... It's a shabby restaurant and thus, doesn't deserve being called a restaurant, so I'll just call it an eatery because that's what you do there. You sit down, you order, and when the food comes, you eat, you pay after eating, then you get the hell out of the joint. No further questions.

So, I ordered my grub, and a drink to wash it down with. I order a cup of 'Hot Chinese Tea' and when it came, it wasn't hot, nor was it cold, it was room temperature. It sure fulfilled its purpose on the 'washing food down' part, but it didn't give me any satisfaction at all. I hate it when I expect something to be hot, and it arrives lukewarm. Heck it's not even luke warm.

My stomach and my taste buds weren't prepared for this neither hot nor cold drink that it was receiving. That's why, I found myself making a cup of hot chocolate once I arrived at the office.

Puik...

The same goes for us. If you want to do something, be apart of something, join something, take up something, then choose to be hot. Then if you choose not to take it up anymore, then turn it to cold. Don't stay in the middle of the road. You'll get yourself no where. You made the choice to cross the road, you either cross it, or you stay on the other side. Don't cross the road and stop halfway. People get killed like that.

And once you've stepped onto the tarmac, be passionate about it. Don't take one step forward and go back to the sidewalk after another step. Once your feet are on the road, cross it with all your might and don't look back. You look back, a car from the other direction might hit you as your head's turning.

So, don't be lukewarm. Once you've chosen to do something, then put in everything that you have into it. If not, then it would be better that you chose not to do it in the first place.

The future is now...

But it is bleak...

hahahaha...

From where I'm standing, or sitting down for that matter, there ain't much of a future for me here. There are certain wants, and certain needs that has to be fulfilled. And this place ain't gonna fulfil any of 'em.

Just let me wallow in my sorrow.

Nothing much for me to say these few days...

Just wish me luck in my coming interview...

And pray that rational thinking will overcome greed.

I seriously don't know what to think anymore...

and oh... This weekend, REALLY crept up on me... IT'S FRIDAY EVERYONE!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, since I have nothing much better to do, let me amuse/bore you with my 26 alphabets stringed together trying to make sense.

To tell you the truth, I just hate looking for a new job. It's not the prospect nor the potential failure that beckons, but it's the waiting that kills me. A part of me wants to get myself out of here so badly, but yet the other part tells me that I should just keep it simple and wait for my big break. Contrasting prepositions, the both of them.

I can't sit and wait for something to happen to me, I need to get some work done. But yet, I can't be too active until I have no time to think logically about my decision.

Sigh.. this whole balace thing, it's killing me.

Hi...

Here I am again...

Early morning, logged on to the internet, reading blogs, sending and checking my emails, haven't made my coffee yet, but very very bored at 10am.

I know, it's a dream job of getting paid without having much to do. But this isn't good for me. I haven't really written anything in the past 2 -3 months! All I do nowadays is just two liners, and copy checking. Everything else is just reusable. Everything in inside my working files. Whatever the outlet, whatever the promotion, it's the same grub everytime. I seriously don't feel that I am contributing to anything around here. I need to good read. But then, I can't be seen 'reading' novels in the office. Sigh...

I know, I know... I shouldn't whine when I am not even close to suffering. But then, it really is demotivating to see myself waste away like this. I'm on call the entire time during office hours, and yet, I have nothing to do. It's both frustrating and demotivating.

However, the upcoming interview is going to be so far that I can't see myself doing that on a long term basis. Sheesh... It's like on the other side of the world. Imagine driving down to KL from Sunway, and add another 15 minutes to that! Bandar Menjalara... or however you wanna spell it... It's like freaking far ok... and it's over the Penchala Toll some more... have to pay toll just to get to the office... hhhmmm...

But then, if not now, when?? I need extra income, I need the exposure, I need to work under a senior who can seriously guide me.

Blank Wednesdays...

I almost forgot to tune my watch to 3rd May.

Whao... Time does fly eh?? A third of the new year GONE... I guess we can look back at our 4 month old photos of 'yesteryear and sigh, 'Those were the days'.

Well, in all seriousness, things have gotten really really bland.

I'm just uninspired to day. But then I feel uninspired every other day. But this job of mine, is rather meaningless. I mean seriously, I wake up early, struggle and rampage throught the traffic jams, slot my car into a nice and hot parking space, and continue with a human sardine jam, meet a few kiasu commuters here and there, I slug to the office, make myself some coffee, sit down, and blog...

Then in the middle of the day, I will be asked to write two lines, or check some menial copy that's been used and reused for spelling errors. I finish the two liners in 15 minutes, and continue with my boredom.

I seriously don't know how to approach my bosses for a raise. I mean, I need the extra cash to set up my own family soon, and as much as I would love to continue working here, I can't justify my asking for a raise. it's not that the company can't afford my services, it's just that the work that I do, does not justify a raise... What? Pay me more money to do a lot of sitting down and two liners?

I've made up my mind. I'm leaving. But where???

The fellas who contacted me yesterday are located to far away that I'll waste a good 3-4 hours a day on the roads just to get to the office. But then, if the offer and working conditions are good, why not give it a try eh?

I need a break...

Herro...

It's a Tuesday and it feels like a Monday... I have totally lost track of the weekend, and my body keeps telling me that today is a Monday.

Having Monday Blues on a Tuesday just doesn't feel right...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, the good news is, I got myself a room (after so many months of crashing out in my girlfriend's living room) but the bad side is, the freakin' landlord wanted a 2 month advance + 1.5 month deposit. That's just stupid. The nerve on that guy... He even asked for my IC# and Name as per IC. That's just stupid. (I just repeated the same phrase twice...) Like What does he want to do with my details? I'm not the fella signing the contract, and he's got nothing to hold against me. As far as he should be concerned, I do not even need to let him know that I live there!

Things are on the up I guess.

There's a new colleague in the house to freshen things up...

I'm seriously on my way outta this sore joint...

One of the three companies I applied to contacted me to arrange for an interview...

The Cell Group is multiplying...

Life can be better, but I'm not complaining...

Well, my mind's asking me not to complain, but I can't help feeling deflated about my current situation.

It is seriously a funny situation to be in. I seriously wonder what would I say to my boss when I hand in my resignation letter.

Imagine this:

"Boss, I am resigning from this joint. It's not that I don't like it here. I love it here. The working hours are great, work's not too bad, I'm enjoying it. Just that, I need a bigger salary, and I don't think you'll be willing to match my expectations. Besides, this joint ain't got enough jobs for me to be earning that kind of money from you. Even if you are willing to match my expectations, I don't feel that the contribution required of me will justify my salary."

It's weird.