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Sometimes I wonder...

"Why do i get myself into situations where I cannot get out of?"

It's hard enough to balance your books. It's difficult to handle 2 credit cards. It's difficult when your salary cannot afford your lifestyle. And I am not even living the high life. I have only bought essentials for most of the entire 1.5 years of my working life. Soap for my baths, the cheap type too... Second cheapest shampoo I can find on the shelves, clothes are a novelty that I constantly find myself receiving. I haven't bought a single shirt/t-shirt in like 2 years! Most of my clothes are either gifts from friends who know my plight, or forced down my throat by my girlfriend. Most of the time, I'd repay her what I gauge the clothes would cost. Some came from the Pasar Malam stalls, and I haven't had a new pair of shoes for almost 2 years now. Slippers have been kept at bay by buying the RM3 per pair ones from the hypermarkets. And I do buy in bulk too so that I don't need to go back for more every other month.

I guess the only luxury that I have afforded myself is the occasional splurge on my guitars. Oh the strings... the equipment.. and on a normal week, I would be banging my guitar to fill the atmosphere for Cell meetings. Lucky me that nowadays, the church has two good contraband plug-ins. Saves a lot of money on strings on my side. I used to play my 12-string in church. That's Practises on Tuesdays, Cell Group on Fridays, and the real thing on Sunday Mornings. That's a good 3 heavy strumming sessions per week, almost every week. And that is some heavy usage. I used to bust my strings every month because they have been over-used and over stretched. And that's a good RM40 per month. Thank God that the price of Guitar Strings have dipped a bit recently.

Now, I have 2 guitars to look after. My 12-String (RM32 per set) and my 6-String (RM17 per set).

Sigh...

Sometimes it is indeed difficult to serve God and be a good leader in church, and at the same time do well at work.

Work is work and should be treated with all due professionalism. But every organisation you join will demand a few things from you. Dedication, commitment, and responsibility are some vital demands that seem trivial to some.

Sometimes, opening a church is more difficult than setting up your own business. I know this because I have seen my little church grow from a 120-strong congregation into a 400 per week set-up. We have been making a loss every month until a good year ago. And that is a good 8-9 years before we broke even. The church is now 11 years old and we're only making a little surplus.

One of the reasons is that we are still predominantly a student ministry. We are targetting all walks of life, but our main work is focused on student work. College students. That is indeed a tough target audience as most of them come and go within 3-4 years. You take a good 2 years to train them up as a potential leader, and it's about time they left for a twinning programme or they've finished their express degree from Inti.

And once they come out to work, we lose some of them to the world. Money's call is more alluring than the narrow road that God set out for us.

So I find me constantly asking myself, what if I have never gotten involved with God?

What if I hadn't the need to 'give back' to God in terms of my monthly tithes and offerings? I would have 10%-20% to use each month. What if I hadn't the need to take time out for the church's ministry, I would be able to work a long day everyday, without the need to rush back to Worship Team Practice and Cell Group, and I would be able to commit myself to some retail part-timing so that I can earn more money.

But then, without God I am nothing.

I know there's no need to worry about a thing if I put my hope and trust in God. But then, I am not a man who sits down and waits for stuff to happen.

Sigh... I am underpaid in this copywriting business. I know it and my bosses know it. The whole world knows it. But then, there's no one else who'd want to pay a large sum for a good enough employee. Every boss out there would rather get their hands dirty on the job rather than pay a high price for a good employee.

So... unless I can get myself into a large multi-national company or something, I am doomed. I need to save up for marriage, I need to save up for my new apartment, I need to use money for my car, rent, and bills, insurance policies, taxes...

Money is indeed evil if you become its servant. But how to master money when you don't get enough to even handle?

God, I need some serious deliverance from this...