I hate myself...

I am so hard headed sometimes that I am bordering the line of insubordination. When I have set my mind on things, and I have garnered enough support, no one can change my opinion on a matter. I might listen to you and try to see things from your point of view, but I will still not budge unless you can show that your input can slot into my plans nicely, then chances are, you will not be heard.

This has caused quite a few conflicts between me and my leaders. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel that I have not the humility and the subordination to listen to my leaders. Maybe I am turning into a monster. I have lost the ability to follow anything that will not suit my lifestyle or my thinking.

I leave no space for input in my plans. Maybe it's a ppositive thing to be able to plan the best way out of a situation. I can organise projects that will be the best solution, efficient, cost-effective, and pleasing to my subordinates. Am I turning into a 'people pleaser' at the cost of insubordination?

I keep writing in my resume that I have a good sense of authority and will seldom question a superior's case unless I have made a strong case for myself. Well, maybe that needs a change.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a personal point, I am rather shocked that after so many years, I have to still wrestle power from my girlfriend's parents. They still control her life quite a bit. Although she's been working for a few years now, and she's grown into a matured person, but yet, her parents still treat her like their little kid daughter. And I cannot live with that. I've been trying very hard to counter that since a good 3-4 years ago. When I marry her, I want to marry her as her own individual. I don't want to marry her with her still being opressed by her parents. And I bet she doesn't want that either. But she has no choice.

I know it's no one's fault but her parents are loving her in a way that makes it difficult for me, for us. They show their love by pampering her. Yes, that is a good thing, but their pampering has affected our relationship. By giving her some luxuries in the form of assets, (i.e. a car and an apartment), they have asserted their control over her life. Because the apartment is under both her name and her parents, she can't do anything she likes with it without her parents' consent. And me, not coming from the family, cannot voice my opinion, yet. Even selling off her old and aging car has to be done behind her parents' back. I know that her parents want to give her the best they can give, and they don't want her to live in debt and stuff, but they must also learn to let go, and let her be responsible for her own life. I cannot marry her with her still being tied down by her parents! I cannot knowingly include myself into this oppression!

It's like they give her so many things so that she gets a better head-start in life, but yet, they fail to realise that they are tying her down with all this. It's like I give you the luxury and responsibility of owning a house, but you can't do anything with it. They need to learn to give and give entirely, or not give at all!

I know that marriage is a constitution that brings two families together, but yet, I cannot bring her into the oppression of my parents, and she must also do the same to protect me from hers.

Who says marriage is not a political affair?

I don't wanna get OLD!!!

Well, I think I start a lot of paragraphs with 'Well'...

It's not a good thing getting old. The year 2005 passed with great speed. I just hope that the next year will be not as crazy. It's like only yesterday that I went back home for Chinese New Year!

It's now only a couple of days before the last 31 days of the year. What have I achieved this year?

Well, I switched 3 jobs, doing the same thing, experiencing different clients, and bosses, and a brush with a few funky colleagues.

I have now gained 'financial independence' ~ My resolution of two years ago. I do not receive any 'financial injections' from my parents anymore. (at last!)

My car's 1 year old now ~ Only another 90+ installments to go

In another couple of month's time, I would be embarking on the 9th year together with my girlfriend! ~ This is pathetic! Other people would have gotten married eons ago! And I'm starting to lose count. *Proceeds to mark fingers with numbers*

Multiplied my cell ~ Waited for 4-5 years for this!

Started to lead worship in Church ~ Tried to get myself out of it initially, but now, I'm stuck...

Successfully 'not bought any new clothes' this year ~ Got a few new t-shirts as gifts and praying that the existing clothes will not fail me anytime soon.

Went to 2 interviews and got 2 jobs ~ 100% success so far. Went for another one a few days ago and still waiting for thier call.

Got myself my very first creditcard ~ albeit with a miserly RM2K Limit only... That's how much the bank trusts me. That's how much financial independence i'm getting... Good also lar.

~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~
That was a few highlights... And now, a few of those which I should have done better...

Failed to get myself a house/apartment so that I can get married by 2006.

Failed to make the cut at a fully local medium sized agency ~ They weren't that good a bunch to work with either. Lost out to a bit of office politics. And besides, their designs suck!

Failed to pay for my own car insurance coverage. ! Thanks mom and dad! * Cheeky smile*

Failed to improve myself in terms of getting to know more about photoshop.

Failed to get myself a new PC to work with.

Failed to get myself an mp3 player ~ Still bored stiff in the LRT. Can't receive radio when the train goes down into the underground tunnels. (a.k.a. Pasar Seni onwards)

Failed to get myself regular haircuts ~ Had one during Chinese New Year, another in May before I entered the new agency, And another just after I joined my present company. (Whao!! I saved quite a bit on that... Maybe this should go to the 'success' list.)

Failed to remember most of my cell members' birthdays.

Failed to get my sister a car ~ I would, if only I had a bigger salary.

Failed to accumulate a significant amount of Annual Leave ~ Well, job hopping has its downside also.

Failed to get myself some very much needed new shoes ~ My leather shoes are wearing out after a good 10 years service. I had my cross-trainers cobbled, and my suades are peeling off. Should get a new pair for Chinese New Year. My football boots are dying on me also... sigh...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, come what may, I'd reckon 2005 as a rather good year. To hell with the Fengshui Masters saying that this Year of the Rooster will be a lean year! Puik! Work hard, and you'll achieve more. Don't work, and the best fengshui master in all the land won't be able to help you.

So... why are you still here!?? Shoo!! Go back to work!

Weekend Queries..

Well, this is a post dedicated to one of my friends who's having a dry spell...

So here goes...

When I got thrown out of Secondary School with 11 units in my SPM (Form 5 Public Exams), I had only one thing on my mind. I had to go to college. Or at least get a professional degree.

At that time, the family wasn't in any financial situation to support me for college. And on my shoulders, the burden to support my sisters education when I come out to work.

So I resolved to doing the best deal on offer at that time, A-Levels + LCCI (Accountancy) at RM250 per month.

However, my interests were not anything close to doing accountancy. You can call it the lamentations of a rather good student. I had results to get me into any course that I wanted. Not that I was a top student, but I wasn't really 'mentally challenged'. However, do note that I sucked at physics and math.

My passion and my destiny, I felt, had always been in the English language. I had never had problems with English. The only time that I didn't do well in my English papers was during Primary 2, when I got clumsy (over-confident) to the extent that I over-looked an entire page, thus, a good 20 points not attempted. After that lesson, I had never breached below the 80 points mark. During my Primary School Public Exams, I was the earliest out of the hall. Heck, during the trial exams, I even rushed out to join a practise run for a 'road safety competition'. That was my proudest moment. I finished the trial exam in 15 minutes, and got 1 question wrong. The only guy that beat me in the exam was some dude in the next class who did 100% and up till today, I am still wondering how long did he take to finish the exam.

Well, the good run continued. And I must credit my rather excellent results in English to my Primary School teachers (a Ms. Cindy Leong & Miss Diana Liew). They were the best English teachers in my hometown at their prime! If it were not for them, my language skills wouldn't have been that good. When I reached secondary school, I was this brat that had no respect for the English teachers simply because they couldn't pronounce Tortoise properly.

Well, that was a little bit of background info on how I came to love English.

So, coming back to accountancy, I did it because it was the fastest way to financial independance.

Then fate took a sharp turn. The profesional course was no longer recognised and my father got retrenched. The remuneration package for getting retrenched gave me a chance to get myself into a proper college and thus, jumped at it. Hoping to get a degree in Accounting in 2 years and 8 months via the INTI College Instant Degree (just add water to get instant results).

However, after the first semester in Kota Kinabalu, I came over to the main campus because the lecturers there weren't to my liking. So in hope that I could get better lecturers, I transfered over to Nilai, still doing accountacy.

Then, when the lecturers here weren't also that great, I fell backwards on my grades. The classroom situation wasn't helping either. Because I came into the course during the 2nd Semester, I couldn't breach the friendships/alliances that were already formed since the begining of the course. When it came to group work, I always got stuck with the 'unwanted' classmates. Freaks no-less. I have been passing my exams without understanding a single thing. It was then it struck me that I had no ineterst in accounting at all, and I was doing it because my mom wanted me to, and also because it was the only logical choice. I went into a mini-depression, thinking I was a failure and that I couldn't do anything right. My grades plummeted and the pressure soared.

And it was until I'm on the verge of getting myself a higher-diploma without understanding anything, I found out about something called the "Bachelor in Communications" course on offer at a few colleges. So I went and gathered information, went for counselling with the colleges to see which suited me best. I gathered all the info and presented it to my parents and after much thought, they agreed. I reallty thank God for my mom at this simply because she knew how to treat me like a grown-up instead of telling me off like she would have done when I was 5 years younger.

So I proceeded to joining Monash in its Communications Course. The course was difficult because I met a lot of good students that had so much more exposure and they had a better grasp of the language. It was tough! I had problems gauging how a university education expects of me, and it was the first time that I felt at home, with so many 'fully English speaking' people around me. However difficult it was to adapt culturally and mentally, I went on with it, without missing much classes. Back in INTI, I would miss class for no good reason at all, simply because I couldn't understand what the lessons were about. But in Monash, I was interested! I learned about world history, the media, communication theories, and a little dash of sociology and philosphy. And that opened my mind, and changed my thinking.

I struggled in a few subjects, but at least i still came out of the exams in one piece. And up til today, I still remember a lot of what I learned and I still practise the theories sparringly. Whereas, if you asked me about what I learnt in Accountancy, I could only tell you 'A hard time'...

So...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Additional Info Posted 3 hours later;

Well, the debate has been "What made me take such a bold step?"

Firstly, I knew that Accountancy was not something that I was intersted in. I was doing it so that I could earn a living and support the family.

Then what about the 'wasted years' in accounting you ask? ~ Well, i don't consider that as wasted, since now I have at least a good foundation in business. I excelled in Costing and now, my mind still takes into consideration a lot of Costing issues when i buy stuff. The understanding of Economics also helps a lot in terms of thinking from a business' point of view.

Well, the really important factor was that I didn't want to do something just because I had no choice. In actual fact, I had a choice. I can choose to go on in Accounting, and end up doing something that I didn't like as a career and end up no where in the end, or I can 'sacrifice' the two years and take up something that I was really interested for the good of my 30 years worth of my career. I would rather 'waste' two years than looking at a dead end for 30-40 years ahead!

so... to its intended recepient of such info, it's your choice.. and yes, as you grow older, you have more to think about...

Finally!!!

AT LAST IT'S A FRIDAY!!! and tomorrow is not a working day!!! WOOHOO!!!

But still, I have a good 9 hours to go until today ends... What am I going to do throughout today?? Habislah...

Till then, leave me to rot in nothingness...

My brain's not working... tried to get a crank start out of it, but nothing...

Well, my mom called last night. And until the moment before that, I realised that I have been so detached from my family. It must've been about 2 weeks since my last call home. A prodigal son I have become. It's not that I purposely avoid calling my folks, but I've been so busy with this and that, until I have not called back for a good two weeks!!!

I feel so bad. But the demands of work and faith have been so great until a man like me cannot find the time for everything.

However, my friend always tells me. "If we do not live by priority, we will live by pressure."

Very true. If we do not set our priorities straight, we will simply be a reed being blown by the wind. When people demand for something, you'd say 'Yeah, no prob." Then, your life will be all about doing others favours at the expense of your own life. Not that helping others is not good, but if it encrouches into your personal life, and what you should be doing, then maybe it needs a tweak.

If you do not stand firm on your own priorities, then whenever people press you even a little, you'll buckle and submit to the pressure.

Then what will you become? You live your life for others. Never for yourself. Then you'll complain that you have no time. Then you will have regretted not being there for someone.

Time passes never to return. We can only recollect time in the recesses of our minds by playing back memories and fantasies of what might have been.

My mom has always told me since very young ~ Do what you're supposed to do at your age, and make sure you will not look back at it with regret. My mom... She's been such an influence in my life. She still is. Always will be.

A semi-understandable post. Half intellectual, half emotional.. Not a good mix...

Another [Blank] Day...

Fatigue has caught up with me.

No, not that I am tired, but I do need a holiday. I think, for the new generation of workers in the workforce today, we don't quite know the meaning of a holiday. The needs of being on the job is as such that we cannot ever leave our job unattended. I remembered being asked to call a supervisor who went to Austria for a holiday because a client asked for something that only she could know.

And especially for us, in Malaysia, it is an employer's market. An economic boom in the 70's has left a rather large amount of kids of the 80's having the benefit of graduating from university. And it only gets worse. To say it in very crude terms, if you'd urinate around in a public area, chances are, you'd be hitting at least 3-4 degree holders and a couple of masters holders. So, the employers aren't moved if you asked for a little bit more remuneration. And the employers know it. All of them have a 'Take it or leave it' attitude and they tend to hire based on which degree holder can give the company the best deal a'la long hours, minuscule pay.

This has made the market so competitive that new entrants into a company dare not ask for a raise, nor a long holiday. The bosses aren't hessitant in giving thier employees a couple of days off, but if you asked for an entire week, or a stretch of 10 days, then you might as well do it when you're in between jobs. Besides that, our minuscule salary allows for nothing. Like what will a couple of days do? NOTHING!!! You go out of town, you spend an average 5 hours driving, and we all know that is exhausting. So, most of the time, people come back from holidays even more tired. Mentally refreshed, yes. Physically drained, absolutely!

Some company policies have been made as such that only a certain amount of annual leave can be transfered to the next year. And if you don't take the days off, it's forfeited! But when you ask your boss for more than a few days off, the fella rejects it based on the fact that it's "Peak Season" and the company cannot do without your services. But if the company cannot do without your services, then why aren't they paying you more?

So... tell me.. Will I be working myself to the grave without the chance of getting a holiday? It's been a year plus now since my last 'real' holiday.

The war has ended...

It's not everyday that I can come up with some stupendous claim that would outrage an entire group of people.

So... I'm kind of enjoying the peace for now.

Well, amidst all the debate on which word was wrong, who said what to make who angry, who lost cool over a few petty remarks, and who gave the most opposition, the original intent of the post was lost. Drowned out by the debate itself.

It seems that people are more into protecting the 'innocent' rather than indulge in some religious discourse. Maybe it's because we have been brought up to tolerate other people's beliefs until a point that it has become a taboo. You don't touch my belief, I don't touch your belief.

Well, my intention with the post ~ I did not outright condemn the act of homosexuality and the transexual operation, but it was used as the catalyst to bring up the point of the church condoning the marriage between a transexual and his (currently 'her') toyboy. Well, from the looks of it, the fella has got quite a lot of media hounds on 'her' trail. If you are someone who is into conspiracy theories, then it spells 'Publicity Stunt'!!! Blatantly!! Well, the fact that the fella sells some health products for a living, there's no harm in getting (in)famous. Besides, rumour has it that 'she' made it such a public event so that the groom's photos will be splashed across the papers, thus subjecting the guy to a 'life imprisonment' per se. Now that everyone knows who he is and how he looks like, the poor guy has no choice but to stay with 'her' until kingdom come! Poor guy... But that's not the point!

*Shakes head, clears mind*

No wonder people don't see the point. I too can get caught up with these rumours and get carried away. So easily!!!

Well, this is another stupendous and meaningless post. My brain's on half-day leave for now. I need the rest. All this warring has left me rather exhausted.

It's coming down to a slow simmer...

Well, readership is back to normal...

The war has ended...

Invasion of Privacy?

Well, I was wondering to myself. Is there such a thing called invasion of privacy when it comes to blogs.

This issue about my 'anti-homosexual' post is still simmering after a good week or so and I have come to realise that it was not of my doing. All I did was post up a piece of text that were my own comments in my own personal space for my readers to see. So, I was writing for myself and my minute audience of around 20 hits per day. Most of them regulars. Some I have grown to know over cyberspace, others know me personally and come a-visit because I asked them to.

So it all started when someone linked my post to her blog that had a rather large following. Then my blog became a war zone. (Not that I'm trying to put blame on the person [again])

However, I can't help but feel slightly violated, raped.

I mean, I did not purposely court controversy, I just posted my opinion on my blog, which most of its readers are my friends. And as someone who writes for an audience, I knew my audience from their comments left here. But suddenly, I got gang-raped!

Although I do know that a blog is a public 'for-all-to-see' entity, and as long as you can find my link, you can read me. But somehow, the 'accidental' readers of my blog has made such an impact that until today, I am still gettting stick from guys like 'Bob'... Not that I don't welcome some healthy mind-churning debates, but I would like to point out that I did not start the debate. I merely stated my opinion on a matter.

This could have contributed to the death of my blog if I was really a person suffering from inferiority complex or mental frailty. I know I'm just being anal retentive, but still...

It's not that I'm blaming anyone here and be it far from me that I should do that.

So, this got me thinking... Was my privacy invaded? And when I link someone else's post on my blog, would it invade that person's privacy?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a different note, I would also like to address the issue of authorship, like what I commented in the 'still-hot' post...

Well, there are two ways a person can read a text.

Firstly, you can read it as its intended meaning. This will require the author to be present to explain every little detail of his/her text whenever questions arise. This also means that the reader is a 'dead' reader in a sense that he/she is not free to make meaning of the text as and according to his/her own views. And this kind of readership is not really practical since you can't be all asking Dan Brown or JK Rowling what they wanted to say in their novels and what this little detail or that little word is supposed to mean. Try asking JRR Tolkien...

The second way is the 'Death of the Author ~ a'la R. Barthes'. This means that although the author keeps his rights over his published text, the readers are free to make meaning of the text, totally void of what the author's intended meaning for the text was. You can read it with hatred, with anger, with love, or with understanding. Up to you. And I can tell you, as a fellow-writer and reader, most of us subscribe to this theorem. However we would like to argue that 'it is your blog and you can do whatever you want with it', it still doesn't change the fact that the author cannot always be there to explain and take his/her readers through the entire text, word-by-word. And since we also subscribe to, a certain extent, post-modern thinking, we would like to think that we are in control of our own minds and would not like others to teach us how to think.

But blogs have seemingly blurred this line. Now, the author has more control over his/her text in a sense that he/she can choose to either reply/answer questions and justify every little thing about the article, and at the same time, he/she can choose not to do so and let the meaning making process flow accroding to the readers.

But now, the readers are also given that freedom to relate and to add to the meaning making process. Through the comments space, the readers can add thier point of view into the text, thus affecting other readers of the text. This has created a bias in which whoever sees the text first and makes meaning of the text first can skew the argument to his/her meaning made as the first commentor. If I can conjure up a convincing counter-argument to the post, then most of the readers who follow through with the comments can be affected.

So in this sense, when you read the comment boxes, you are reading a product of two or more authors.

hhhmmm....

But this, you must agree with me ~ Meaning making is a very delicate and profound process.

Empty Hard Disk

Well, I've already posted this as a comment on the 'still-hot' topic a few posts down.

So. Imagine this. When you were born into this world, your mind is like an empty hard disk. You knew only the BIOS functions (well, if you're a PC anyways. As for Macs, I don't have a clue. But that's not the point.) which is to eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're tired, shit when you need to. These are your natural instincts.

Sexual orientation or disorientation only happens when you almost reach puberty. As for the 3-5 year olds and around, they seem to know what sex is, but in reality, at this age, you only know how to differentiate between male and female. That's why at this age, kids are the most cheeky, and will crack boob and dick jokes. However, they are only concerned about the outward appearance and know nothing about what the dick is for except for urination. As for girls, they won't know that guys do not have another hole next to their bung hole.

So... What OS you put into the child is imporatant from the start. If the parents don't teach them what is 'normal' and what is 'abnormal', then maybe society will. And here, society means TV, Radio, Internet, and the likes. Schools also play an important role. So, if you grew up without your parents telling you what a penis/vagina is for at a good ripe age, then maybe you've taken more than a few tips from society. And society is just like the internet of today. Filled with a lot of shareware, plug-ins, beneficial and non-beneficial programmes, games, system upgrades, and viruses. Makes sense?

So, take a good look at yourself and see.

Now, doesn't that consolidate the fact that we human beings can't do things simply because we think that it's natural? Well, in my honest opinion, (and of course this entire post is MY OPINION) there's no such thing as 'natural homosexuality'. Sexual orientation (realisation) comes only at around puberty (maybe at around 10-12 years old). And that in itself, your hard disk would have been filled with a whole lot of programmes and stuff. So now, how can a person say that he feels like a girl trapped inside a boy's body? The only way for this to have happened would simply mean that she has been installed with a boy's OS when she was growing up!

And besides, if I am not mistaken, such people always 'feel' like they are a girl trapped in a boy's body or vice versa. And we all know that feelings can change in a split second. Ever felt that you love someone with all your heart, and then after seeing the person performing some stupendous act and in that split second feel that you're disgusted with the fella?

Feelings change all the time. It's just us, sometimes, that we gave the thing too much thought and convince ourselves that our feelings are the determinant of our lives.

So... What OS are you using now?

Saturdays are Never Fun

Well, it's a working Saturday... again...

And I brought half a brain to work today...

so...

My boss is sitting next to me reading some news...

End of post...

I've been stupid...

Well, exactly what it says.

I have been caught up with this name-calling, and childish mind games that's happening in my comment boxes. Well, sometimes, you can't blame an author to be protective over his own article. Normally, I am rather open to criticism and I love suggestions. I can seriously feed off a good debate and I like to be mentally stimulated.

However, for some particular reason, which I have failed to realise until now is that I have not kept my cool about the matter. Well, now that I have sat down and thought about it, and after an awakening comment given to me by a friend, I have come to realise that I have gone back a few years in terms of maturity.

How did that happen??

Well, when comments get personal instead of educational, then I get personal too. So I apologise for being a jerk. But that doesn't absolve you of being a jerk as well.

So from now on, please, nobody jerk-off on my blog ok.

Just in case you think I concede defeat, No! Hell no... I still stand by what I think, and would still be up for a fight if any of you has an appetite to slug it out with me.

My side...

So.. now...

Since this is MY BLOG and I CAN DO WHATEVER I LIKE WITH IT, I would just want to tell my side of the story.

Well, I was a happy blogger simply putting his thoughts into words, and I therefore, I proceeded to write about this transexual marriage that happened a few days ago. Well, whatever I wrote must have angered the homo/transexual community that blogs/read blogs, however, this thing came into prominence when this girl (at least I think she's a she. Could be a dyke, could be a butch, could be both, or could've been something else) linked my post onto her famous website that has loads of hits from people around the world.

So, in the very first place, I DID NOT START THIS WAR!!!

After that, her ardent readers proceeded into this site and made me public enemy #1.

Everything in the post was scrutinised, my spelling was commented on, my points of view bombarded, and people left 300-400 word comments with regards to my post. Apparently my mistakes; I did not do 3 years worth of research to make my post credible / I did not interview any homosexuals before I posted anything up / I did not fully understand the use of LUBES (for I had no need for them) / I did not take into consideration that a small fraction of the community were born with both genders / I mis-used the word asexual / I mis-spelt a few words / I simply made a mistake of being linked by someone whom I didn't even knew existed!

However, most of these people missed to main point, which until today, I am still instigating, is that there were 3 pastors of 3 churches who defamed God and the Christian faith by presiding over such an event. And up until today, there is still no answer as to why there were 3 churches involved. Like I highlighted, if the 'Bride' was a member of 1 church, and 'she' coaxed the pastor to prseide over the marriage, then fine. If the 'Husband' was a member of another church, then possibly, they came to settle that it should be done by both the pastors. But why was there a 3rd pastor? Something is not right here.

Why would such an religious defiling event be presided by 3 pastors from the Christian church? For the Bible clearly speaks against 'Sexual Immorality' which includes homosexuality, sodomy, prostitution and incest. And it is clear that, coming back to the origins of the relationship, both that got married were men. So unless these 3 pastors are using some other Bible that states otherwise, they have just defiled the Name of God!

If 1 pastor made such a mistake, then he must have been misled or he misunderstood something in the Holy Scriptures, but 3 pastors?? Something must be wrong.

So... In actual fact, I was more concerned about the church and the stand it was taking instead of trying to clamp down on all the homosexuals that read the post. Well, it was not on my agenda to piss off a few lesbians here and there, but someone, out of her own initiative, linked my post to her readers. My agenda was really to highlight the failure of the church against such acts.

So... once and for all, if you don't want to discuss the matter with a religious point of view, then, just read it as it is.

I'm tired of justifying myself to everyone who takes a small mis-spelt word and thinks that I am a bloody retard because of that.

Desensatised...

It seems to me that I am on my way to becoming a full-fledged fanatic. Speaking of stereotypes, I am now being thrown into the stereotype of a religious fanatic. So I would like to take this opportunity to make a discalaimer that I am not an expert in making bombs nor do I have any links whatsoever with any terrorist or anti-terrorist activities anywhere in and out of this world.

Well, the point that I would like to highlight here today is that most of us has been desensatised with regards to what is holy and what is not. The mass media has blurred the line whereby sin is determined as sin. Now, there's this huge 'grey' area in which we all operate and live. Anyone who steps out of this 'desensatised' zone and makes a statement for or against the grey line is deemed to be a fanatic, extremist, and a good for nothing that understands too little about the topic the he or she is addressing.

So on a lighter note, should I do a few years of reaserch before I say anything in my blog?

The shocking thing is that so many people out there are so eager to take such matters into thier hearts and write so many 'angry' comments about why the post was incorrect. In the very end, I am just a small voice in this ocean of articles, writing something that I believe is my OWN OPINION. Why are there so many people waiting to correct MY OPINION??? And why are they not trying to change the 'alleged victims in this issue's' opinion that homosexuality is a sexual sin in the Christian context? I do not know which type of belief you guys adhere to, but in this part of the world, the church which I call my own, the church that taught me the concept of God, calls it a sin. End of story.

So what's your problem?

[Not-so-blank]

Whao... I never figured that a simple opinionated and amateur posting about homosexuality and transexual marriage has created such hatred towards this blog... hehehehe...

"Sweeping statements, not enough research, lousy church..."

Well... I guess I roughed a few feathers...

Anyways, I would like to announce here that if you have a strong argument with regrads to the matter, please email me (saddnesz@yahoo.co.uk), and i'll paste it up in a dedicated posting.

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Well, today for me is just like any other day. Life is starting to get bland and I am starting to get bored. Life... sometimes it gets so interesting that you don't have enough air to breathe, and then suddenly, you find yourself with nothing much to do.

sigh... nothing to write about these few days... If you want some stimulating, please refer to the comments section of my previous post.

Until then... Back to boredom...

[Blank]

~Addendum: Posted: 16 Nov 2005: 6.00pm~

There's a whole lot of people trying to make a point in my comments box that I've gotten one thing wrong over the other. Heck, I'm even scrutinised over the meaning of a single word i mis-used. So for the umteenth time, the post below is my honest opinion on an issue whihc is close to my heart. I have done no research on it before or after the posting, and I do not claim to be an expert in the mentioned topic, nor do i claim to have relevant experience. So, stop picking on my little mistakes here and there and read the article for it essence.

If you want to argue your point of view, I welcome you. But if you have nothing to argue about, and you would just like a swipe at me, then please don't waste my comment space. Bomb my mailbox instead. I do not wish to get myself entangled in childish punches below the belt and hope that you would do the same. If you have nothing solid to bring to discuss about the matter, please just leave this post alone and act as if you've never came here.

p.s. Thanks Lainie

~End of Addendum~
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It's one of those days that I come into the office blank in the mind.

So I guess I'll just ramble until something props up.

I haven't done this in a long time now, but since this issue is getting so much airtime on the mass media, let's discuss about it.

"When Man loves Man, and can't get married legally, change one Man into woMan."

That's exactly what happened up north a few days ago. Well, the issue is not about the couple's marriage but the thing that they got 3 churches to preside over the wedding. I'm glad that it had nothing to do with the Anglican Church. We've gotten enough bad publicity already with the homosexual bishop in the USA.

Well, the issue that should be debated is that whether we should allow such a thing to happen in the church? Everyone knows that homosexuality is something that is classified as 'unnatural sex'. If is was natural, then it wouldn't need the help of any petroleum based jelly. And if it was natural, then us humans would have to be classified as asexual.

I'm not saying that homosexuals are doomed for hell and that they deserve to be there, but the fact that there are 3 churches who simultaneously presided over this un-holy union of sorts. This doesn't only mean that they endorse this move of changing one's sex. This is called altering God's creation at your own will. The person has successfully killed off the person the he should have been and started a life of 'her' own. If God wanted the fella to be a woman, He would've made him a woman from the womb.

Most homosexuals are not homosexuals by mistake. They consciously or sub-consciously made a choice to do so. Most homosexuals become homosexuals because of thier past. Maybe the fella came from a dysfunctional family, maybe his parents didn't teach him properly what is a girl, and what is a boy. Maybe something happened to his mother or father and he has reacted in hatred towards the entire male/female population and can't find the breakthrough in his heart and mind to overcome the problem.

In the quest for love, they are willing to go to great lengths to find acceptance and fulfillment. Sometimes, they find it in the wrong place. Sometimes, because they have not overcome thier problems, they fail in their attempts to start a 'normal' relationship. This is because in the back of thier mind, they have a certain trauma that is blocking them from going on with a 'normal' relationship. Maybe they have witnessed their own family breaking down because the father cheated on the mother or vice-versa, and they cannot bring themselves to trust the opposite gender. Some of them have been abused by a parent and have a fear that they will be abused in the same way by thier partner. (I'm speaking in generalities here).

But anyway, these people who cannot bring themselves to break-free from thier past will not be able to have a 'normal' relationship because they are mentally unable to accept and trust their partners. This brings them to look for others who share their same plight. And when they do so, they find 'love' in those who share thier hurt. And later, this love turns into lust, and once they step over that line, they will consciously live thier lives according to the stereotypes of a homosexual.

The basis of meaning making lies in the process of stereotyping. And the basic building block of stereotypes are binaries. Not the computer 101010 binaries, but binaries whereby meaning is made from determining two opposites. You need to understand hot and cold together. You cannot say something is hot without referring to something that is cold. You can only determine what is good with reference to what is bad. The process of meaning making works together in pairs.

Now, the binary involved in homosexuality is 'Boy or Girl'.

My lecturer always told us that we are stereotype from birth. Once the doctor pulls you out of your mother's womb, and announces "It's a boy!" then you will live your life as a boy... you will learn to love cars, gadgets, wear pants, like sports, and the like. But this process can be slanted in a way by refering to Freud and Lachan's Oedipal Complex. When a child is still lin its infancy, it identifies with its parents. And using the reference from the abovementioned boy, if he cannot find his father figure, then he will start to identify himself with his mother or someone who is bringing him up. This is where things get confused. So, infancy to a baby is very important. That is why if you do not have the time and resources to bring up a child, do not get your wife pregnant. If you are always not at home, don't get a child. Because only God knows who this child will look up to. If your daughter is brought up by a woman, then fine. But if your child is constantly brought up in the company of women, with no father figure to look up to, you can't blame him that he grows up to be effeminate.

So, there you go. The theory of the formation of a homosexual. It's all in the mind and in your previous experience.

Word of caution to those who are vying for a child. Do not get yourself a child unless you are ready to sacrifice a bit of your career. If you're not at home most of the time, and the child cannot find his father figure or her mother figure, then it's your fault that he/she turns out to be 'queer'.

Coming back to the church, I do feel that it is preposterous that they could find 3 churches to acknowledge their matrimony. I mean, love the sinner, but hate the sin... However what message are the 3 churches telling the world? That Christianity blesses this kind of marriage? That it is OK to change your sex if you're not happy with who you are???

With this ONE SINGLE marriage, the church has degraded itself into new depths. By ackowledging ONE marriage, they have just made a statement that Christianity is OK (and even endorses) with homosexual marriage by presiding over the marriage of two men. Well, if they say that one guy changed his gender, then they are endorsing the change of gender.

And I wonder why there were 3 churches??? I mean, if the the 'bride' is the member of ONE church and she got the pastor to agree with her, and the groom was a member of the SECOND church, then it makes sense of having two churches presiding over the marriage. But where does the THIRD church come from? To be there to strengthen the marriage and to further acknowledge the 'un-holy' matrimony?

What is this world coming to??? Why can't a guy just lust after a girl and be happy with it??

Hello...

It's a new week, and I'm already looking forward to the weekend.

And it's going to be a long week. Worked on Saturday, and because of the holidays last week, I'll be working this Saturday too. Sigh...

It seems that life has become rather meaningless for me this few days. It's become bland. I find myself doing the same things the same time, with some mean consistency. Sigh... When I have too much excitement in life, I complain. When I have a predictable, monotonous life, I complain. It seems that all we humans do is complain.

It seems that I am slowly begining to understand how the hippie culture came about. We should really just live life and take it as it comes from day to day, without complaining. Afterall, complaining doesn't change the fact that life's like that. When the food's bad, we coomplain. When the bus is late, we complain. When the service sucks, we comlain. When it's not perfect, we comlain. Even when it's perfect, we still complain that it's too good to be true.

It seems that the only thing that unites us as a global citizen is our abillity and passion for making complaints.

Hhhmmm... The best way to take over the world...

Lenin or Stalin (I forgot who came first) promised his people 3 things before they submitted to his dictatorship. They were promised a job (land to grow food), food, and shelter. And he united the entire USSR. Basic things. I wonder if I can unite the entire world by offering them a medium to complain about whatever they want to complain about.

Will you?? I'll give you the freedom to complain about anything you like, whenever you like, regarding whatever you like, at your convenience, and I promise you that you can even complain against me.

So... How?? Me for 'Dictator of the World'?

C'mon... this is the best deal ever!

I had a good train of thought last night...

Typical...

Every blogger out there suffers from this. Having a good thought or topic only to lose it after a good nignt's sleep. Why does it seem that potentially good postings always come during the time when you have no internet connection?

Well, since today is a half-working-day, I brought only half a brain to work..

And this shall be like the other Saturday posts - half argued...

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Ah.. now I remember...

Top 10 things to do when you're really bored:

10. Play with your fingers - When you have nothing else better to do, and you have no mood for any form of entertainment or fellowship, play with your phallic symbols... :) That will satisfy some Freudian freakiness in your psyche...

9. Pick your nose - If you stay near a big city, chances are, your nose is always filled with smut. Whenever you breathe in, dust collects in between your nose hairs and that makes for a good past time... It's hygienic, and besides, its oh-so-satisfying. Have i mentioned that it also has a therapeutic effect, refer to Freudian philosophy...

8. Twirl your hair - If you have really REALLY short hair, then grow some... If you can't there's always this thing called 'therapy'. That'll take some of your time and leave you with less time to get yourself bored.

7. Play with your TV remote control - It's always satisfying; watching tv without really watching... If you can't afford a TV, then refer to the abovementioned steps...

6. Walk the entire length of you house, back and forth if necessary - Bring a mop trailling behind you for good measure... Besides, it'll leave your pad cleaner...

5. Play with your underwear's elastic parts - Yes, the band that keeps your underwear where it should be, it gives a nice slapping sound, and it makes you realise that you can still feel a little pain from under your skin after the numbness of being bored to the bone.

4. Crawl under your bed - You'll find some historical stuff there. Maybe, just maybe, you'll find a trap-door to the land of Narnia or something... Beware that you do not mess with the monster living there... not a smart thing to do...

3. Read totally Teh PWN blogs - Yes, keep it up... continue with this list and you'll find yourself where you've started... bored stiff.

2. Get yourself a religion - Religion always takes you out of boredom. There's so much to do for God that you'll never have a dull moment.

1. Try your aim - Take a piece of coloured tissue paper, wet it thoroughly, swing tissue paper up to the ceiling of your room, and marvel at the fact that it stays there and does not come down. Continue observing the tissue paper on your celing until it falls down.

cheers...

Life can be so tiring at times.

It's been a relatively museless week for me. When I look back at my writing for this past week, all i see is crap...

Well, I traversed the rain to get myself to the office today. Imagine, the sky was a nice gloom, cool and temparate when the LRT left Pasar Seni Station. And when I climbed out of Ampang Park Station 5 stations later, it was raining!!! Not drizzling, RAINING!! So I got myself half-wet, and I smell like a wet dog in an air-conditioned room. Should've brought an extra t-shirt to work. sigh...

I am facing a dillema in chosing my career path. As November skips past my life, I'll soon be met with a pitch-fork junction. End of the month, when and if I succeed in conning the Principle of The One Academy in paying me a premium salary to teach a few artistic students how to speak proper English, I woul be faced with a decision that could potentially determine the course of the rest of my life.

Then, I could fail, or remuneration negotiations could break down, and I could be on my way back to Sabah... hehehehe...

I like where I am now. The company is good, the bosses are very nice. Just that portfolio wise, there's not much prospect. Well, that's what you get when you play second fiddle as the 'back-up agency' to one of largest coporations in Malaysia. All the big projects go to the big guys, and us, we get the spoils. Leaflets, calendars, posters, stupid requests...

It's tiring living life. Decisions, decisions, decisions... I wonder how my folks do it.

i'm getting tired just thinking about the pitch-fork junction.

Leave... Let me be...

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I brought the Da Vinci Book to work today. So, when i get the spare time, I'll do some reading up... heheheheh

Snaking in the office can be so much fun sometimes...

Da The Vinci Code Updates...

I just caught a glimpse of the saucy stuff of the book last night...

Now I understand why people were put off from Christianity after reading the book. Although I have just scratched the surface of Dan Brown's theories about a female disciple and stuff like that, but it was really interesting.

However, with much thought, I have come to realise the Dan Brown was just performing a form of counter-culture. He fabricated a story in which he attacked the very fabric of the Christian faith in itself, saying that the Christ was actually a feminist, and that this guy called Constantine has taken pagan stuff and interweaved it into the Christian faith. Brown also wrote about symbolic stuff that linked Da Vinci's paintings as a mockery to the Church.

Well, I have still a good 40% of the book to read up on, but so far, I find it as nothing more than an attempt to de-stabilise the audience in a sense, to shake them to the core of thier entire belief system. His attempt looked genuine in a sense because it refered to a lot of physical, historical, and basic belief systems of today's human psyche.

Here's a few basic observations.

Well, the first thing Dan Brown tried to de-stabilise was that Christ was no more than a mere mortal, who was actually no more than a prophet. Well, this point is actually not refutable in a sense that it's so rhetorical it requires your own conviction. If you are given the freedom to believe that Christ is Christ, then you have also been given the freedom to not believe. It's a matter of faith. If you think that the Bible is nothing more than a fabrication of ideas, then the same goes to the argument that the 'scriptures' on the opposing front is also a fabrication. So, choose which 'fabrication' you want to believe in. Just make sure you don't choose the one over the other because it's your need to be different from mainstream thinking. Just imagine if the world was practising whatever Dan Brown was instigating in his book, and suddenly, another author comes and says that he has some special books in his possesion that is today's Bible. Would it drive the same rhetorical thought that you have after reading Brown? People are simply drawn to something different. Just make sure you're not believing something because everyone else is believing in it and you want to be different.

Then, there's this notion that the church was supposed to be a feminist movement and thus a matriachal society should have been established if not for Peter. Well, the world today is a patriachal society. We carry the name of our fathers. So did the people from long time ago. Who was already in control since before Christ's movement? MAN!! Who is still in control today?? MAN... (although that is now slowly changing because of the female hormones in the water that we drink) Dan Brown tries to de-stabilise that by saying that the church fabricated a belief system that degraded the Woman's status in society, and that Christ actually willed for his church to be built by Mary Magdelene. This is a 50% / 50% flip. Too bad that the masculine won... heheheheh.... Besides, according to the 4 gospels (you can choose to believe in the others if you like to... but make it's not because you want to be different from others), it's Peter that Christ prophesised about "on this Rock i will build my church'. And I believe that Mary Magdelene was no rock... hhhmmm... which reminds me "DO YOU SMELL LE LEL LEELLL...."

So.. When you read such a book that is designed to rock you to the core of your belief system, make sure you step into the shoes of the author. What is he trying to achieve with such writings? Is he instigating a new belief? or is he simply trying to dramatise a few things to make his book sell and earn more money?? What is Dan Brown doing now?? If all of those arguments were true and Dan Brown is a firm believer in what he writes, then why is he not dying for his faith like the matyrs of the church did? Why isn't he persecuted like the early apostles? Why is he not going all over the world preaching this new found 'good news'???

it's just a dramatised book la... c'mon... And besides, if an amateur like me can refute so many things... wonder what an expert reader could do...

Wednesday: The usual rant...

Sigh... Woke up slightly late today and arrived at the office 'on-time'. I usually arrive a good ten minutes early so that I can get breakfast. But today, breakfast gave up on me!!!

I'm hungry now.. and I need to get some food. These are times when Milo won't do much for your tummy.

It is also times like these that I ma reminded of a thing called spiritual hunger. Sometimes in life, you'll be dry in your soul, and you know that there's more to life than your insatiable thirst for material wealth. This is when you'll be looking for the true meaning of life. Well, I was down there a few weeks ago, now I'm slowly rediscovering the spiritual side of things.

Maybe I just need to settle down. (Shit. I'm turning into an uncle without me noticing!!! ALAMAK!!!)

Well, since we're in this topic, and I have nothing much else to rant about, and this entire week has been museless, I am indeed getting old. (There. I've said it. I'm OLD... O.L.D. read: Grumpy/'Loh Soh'/feels need to settle down/desparately need to 'familise'...) And i'm just 24 years old!!!!!!

Although I have a few frinds who's gotten married, and there's this guy who used to be my classmate has a baby boy now... But... but... sigh... there's no use fighting it... I'm doomed...

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Change...

Change is always a constant... Yet sometimes, people don't take change with open arms. The world is constanly changing and yet, our human nature dictates that we resist change. We are always on the lookout for a stable point in which we can settle down and settle in nicely. However, nature doesn't work that way. Forests are always growing. Animal s are always procreating, the earth is always changing; acting and reacting to the things that are happening in it and around it.

Sometimes I find myself wondering why can't man make something that can last forever. Like why must I buy a car only to find it deteriorating as time goes by? Why can't I buy a house that will not succumb to the wear and tear of weather? Why can't I find a job that will pay me progressively according to the inflation rate, and not worry about where I will be plying my trade?

Human life can be such a hassle sometimes. We run, we chase, we do so many things only to find that when we've reached our goals, the world's changed. So what's the use of chasing after material possisions anyway? Sigh...

Yet, I still need a place to stay, a car to get around with, and conviction to live my life the best I can.

But yet, I still chase the little comforts of a home, a good wife and kids, a few good friends, a better car to drive, a comfortable house to live in, and last but never the least, a comfortable life for my folks.

I feel so useless. Life seems so meaningless.

I know God is calling me to Him, getting me to draw near to Him, but yet, my heart seems to be far away, and it doesn't seem to want to turn back to God.

It is only in God that I can find meaning in life. It is only God that makes living this life worthwhile. I know all that... Just that... my heart is not convinced.

I need time to change.

A new Spiritual Journey.

I need a long walk with God.

It's been so long since I've heard His subtle voice. It's not that He's stopped talking to me, it's just that I haven't opened my ear to listen as often as I should. God's voice has been drowned out by my own will power, my drive to succeed, my lust for the material, my need to control my own life. For the past few months, I have been successfully preaching about God, His goodness, His marvelous works, His love for us, and His influence in history. But yet, I have simply stopped having faith in Him. It was me, myself, and I all along. Everything that I did, I did with my own power. My decisions were made according to what I thought I wanted. But do I know what's best for me? Do I hold my own future in my hands? How much can I achieve without God?

I have become so big tha God has become so small in my life. My ego has taken over God's place in my life.

That has to change. I didn't know how to change. I couldn't see the way out. I knew of my problem, I knew of my weakness, and I knew that God wasn't happy. But now, there is a way out. And it requires sacrifice. It requires total subordination. It requires more of God, less of me.

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I read a little bit more of Da The Vinci Code last night and I am really impressed with the book. Dan Brown is GOOD!

His ability to walk the thin line between fact and fiction is astounding! I am really amazed at the amount of research one has to go through in order to write such convincing facts that to the untrained mind, it would seem that it could only be true. I was so absorbed into the book that I kept on reading and reading and reading, and that don't happen too often. It is proven that very few books can capture my mind, imagination and my attention. Dan Brown is an author that has successfully done that. He has taken a few Biblical facts, a few Catholic myths (maybe some of them are true) and he fabricated the rest of the story into a very well written piece. His style of writing that mimics the changing of scenes as if one is watching the entire story unfold as if one is watching a movie.

I like...

However, I have heard of people going after the alleged 'facts' from the book and taking them in as truths. Well, undeniably, most of the things said in the book sound realistic enough, and it has captured the imagination of a good handful of readers that have now been disillusioned into thinking that the story is true. Well, I don't blame them. I have to constantly remind myself that the entire story is a fabrication and nothing more but a very well representation of the author's imagination.

The difference between Dan Brown's writing and JK Rowling's is that Dan Brown actually does his homework. His pieces are written based on loads of research in Catholicism and the 'dark arts'. Rowling's writing is a bit different in a sense that Harry is nothing more than a play of imagination, dramatised into bringing some imagination back into the lives of its readers. Harry Potter is just another kid with some super powers. Whereas, Dan Brown's 'truths' are based on a few facts and actual events in history. So in simple words, Dan Brown writes with a lot of historical and empirical research as back-up facts. Rowling writes from the top of her imaginative head, without much tangible events and props to back-up her 'facts'.

So word of caution to the casual reader of Dan Brown's works; Yes, it seems real because it is backed-up by real places, and real props embedded in the fabric of Catholicism. However, the storyline is nothing more but the writer's imagination. Like what I said in my previous post, if the 'Secret Organisation' is really so powerful and so secretive about the code that they protect, then they would've did everything they could to keep thier secret. In order for an author like Dan Brown to be able to publish such a book, it would need to fulfill either of these criteria; There is no such secret organisation in the real world, or the 'facts' are insignificant truths that the organisation feels that the book will pose no threat to its existance as a secret organisation.

If they were really a secret and powerful organisation, Dan Brown would not have been able to publish the book.

I'll discuss more after I've read more. I'm almost half-done now...

Da The Vinci Code?

Hahahaha...

I got the chance to read a few chapters of this famous book...

To my horror, it was just another novel written by a very good author. At first, I thought it was some form of intellectual discussion and some form of formulae that some smart guy out there used to find out the 'real meaning' of the Jewish holy scriptures. To my horror, it was a piece of fiction written in a 'real' way.

Well, I have yet to finish the book but i have already got an idea of what it is trying to say.

The author was smart in writting the book in a sense that he blurred the line between fiction and non-fiction in the very first page of the book. Before you get to chapter one, there's this page that claims that the contents, characters and the events recorded were true. Many fail to realise that the novel started even before the first page of Chapter 1. Many misunderstood that page and took it as a disclaimer to the fictitious contents of the book.

Any logical person will be able to pluck a few truths about the book even from its preface; but for the benefit of those who still fail to realise, here's an argument.

1. It's a novel. Very well written indeed, cheers to Dan Brown. However absorbing it is, however true it may seem, it is not any 'truer' than Rowling's collection of Mr. Potter tales.

2. There are facts in it, based on biblical events. Well, yeah. So did the movie 'Constantine'. But how much of it are real? How much of it are folklore passed down through the word of mouth, through generations?

3. And the most illogical of all, if there was really a secret society that is supposed to protect such secrets, why would they let Dan Brown publish all their secrets as if they didn't want to remain a secret society anymore? Non-sensical... If I were the leader of the secret society that protected the code, I would've taken care of Dan Brown even before he typed out the title of the novel. Besides, what's the use of calling myself a secret society if what i was protecting was not a secret anymore??

Tell me more if you've read the book. I haven't finished reading it, but that's the idea of what I'm getting out of it thus far.

Enlighten me if you have more info...

A Physical and Spiritual Revival

The break was full of rest. Mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I had loads of rest, did nothing, slouched in front of the tele, and did more of nothing.

The highlight of the break was last Wednesday...

I went to a friend's Cell Group the other day. Well, it was a Wednesday and I didn't have anyhting to do on Thursday, so I decided to visit Michael's cell.

It was an eye opening experience. Well, not actually eye-opening, but actually, it was a refreshing experience. I realised that I was actually human afterall. I mean I know I have been trying very hard to portray myself as strong and impeccable, but still, deep within my plethora of faces and defenses, I am reminded that I need God. I have been reminded that I need to renew my life in God and get my life back on course.

Well, to those who were there at the meeting, now you know my weakness. Now you understand that leaders are human too. No matter how hard you try to be bold and strong, putting on a strong face, you will still inevitably fall. My biggest weakness is that I am too strong.

Now, I need to get my life back on track with God. I have been relying so much on myself that I have left no room for Him...

So... back to the basics starting from today. Fast and pray, devotion, quiet times... I need all those back in my life.

So help me God.

Wretched Wednesday

I'm here sitting in the office at a little before 10.30am, and I'm done for the day...

What did I even come back to the office for??

Well, I came back to the office to sit around, waste overhead costs on air-conditioning, and to chat, and BLOG of course.

I would also like to wish my (potentially) ardent readers a good weekend ahead, happy Dee(pa)vali and Selamat Hari Raya.

Well, life has been ok so far. Wasted the whole of yesterday, didn't got myself resolved enough to start doing my chores yet. Maybe tomorrow... There's always tomorrow... hehehehe

I find myself always wanting to live on borrowed time. It's more interesting that way. On one hand, there's no rush to get anyhting done in a hurry, but yet I still find the incessant need to plan ahead. Like, how much time do I need to do this chore or that chore, how much time should I allocate for my girlfriend, and how much time should be used doing this or that.

I'm a control freak! (There. I've said it. I admit to it. Satisfied? Now Shoo!)

Well... leave me be... let me rot here in the office while all of your out there are on leave or something like that.

go... I'll be fine...