I hate myself...

I am so hard headed sometimes that I am bordering the line of insubordination. When I have set my mind on things, and I have garnered enough support, no one can change my opinion on a matter. I might listen to you and try to see things from your point of view, but I will still not budge unless you can show that your input can slot into my plans nicely, then chances are, you will not be heard.

This has caused quite a few conflicts between me and my leaders. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel that I have not the humility and the subordination to listen to my leaders. Maybe I am turning into a monster. I have lost the ability to follow anything that will not suit my lifestyle or my thinking.

I leave no space for input in my plans. Maybe it's a ppositive thing to be able to plan the best way out of a situation. I can organise projects that will be the best solution, efficient, cost-effective, and pleasing to my subordinates. Am I turning into a 'people pleaser' at the cost of insubordination?

I keep writing in my resume that I have a good sense of authority and will seldom question a superior's case unless I have made a strong case for myself. Well, maybe that needs a change.

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On a personal point, I am rather shocked that after so many years, I have to still wrestle power from my girlfriend's parents. They still control her life quite a bit. Although she's been working for a few years now, and she's grown into a matured person, but yet, her parents still treat her like their little kid daughter. And I cannot live with that. I've been trying very hard to counter that since a good 3-4 years ago. When I marry her, I want to marry her as her own individual. I don't want to marry her with her still being opressed by her parents. And I bet she doesn't want that either. But she has no choice.

I know it's no one's fault but her parents are loving her in a way that makes it difficult for me, for us. They show their love by pampering her. Yes, that is a good thing, but their pampering has affected our relationship. By giving her some luxuries in the form of assets, (i.e. a car and an apartment), they have asserted their control over her life. Because the apartment is under both her name and her parents, she can't do anything she likes with it without her parents' consent. And me, not coming from the family, cannot voice my opinion, yet. Even selling off her old and aging car has to be done behind her parents' back. I know that her parents want to give her the best they can give, and they don't want her to live in debt and stuff, but they must also learn to let go, and let her be responsible for her own life. I cannot marry her with her still being tied down by her parents! I cannot knowingly include myself into this oppression!

It's like they give her so many things so that she gets a better head-start in life, but yet, they fail to realise that they are tying her down with all this. It's like I give you the luxury and responsibility of owning a house, but you can't do anything with it. They need to learn to give and give entirely, or not give at all!

I know that marriage is a constitution that brings two families together, but yet, I cannot bring her into the oppression of my parents, and she must also do the same to protect me from hers.

Who says marriage is not a political affair?