I'm just losing it...

It's a Tuesday, I go to work, I sit down, I switch on my computer, and I blog.

It's not that I want to purposefully do 'nothing', but there is seriously nothing to do at the office. I seriously wonder why I am here.

Life is pathetic... I need something more meaningful to do with my short life.

I wonder how it is for other people.

I hate Mondays...

As usual, Mondays are full of droopy eyed collagues... Maybe it's my eyes that're droopy, seeing everyone/everything else as droopy as well...

It's been a lifeless, meaningless existence on my part of the world, how's yours?

Things have gone bland, and the storm from the previous months have somewhat subsided. My mind has now suddenly gone back to 'auto-pilot'. I still haven't figured my future out yet...

It seems that even after a whole month or so of contemplating, I still cannot see 'the end'...

I mean, I have a lot of short term plans, but so far, nothing solid. I still have yet to find something that I see myself doing until my dying day.

Options are there for the taking, a lot of options in matter of fact, but still no clear direction.

It does seem that for now, I am living a meaningless life. Just searching for 'the truth'... I've been looking... It ain't out there alright...

Meanwhile, let's just eat, and be merry... wait... that too is meaningless...

Oh... by right, I'm due for an increment this month... so, I'm kind of waiting for my paycheck in anticipation to see if there's a little bundle of joy in my envelope.

Bah...

Trick Question..

So now... this morning, while I was on the train contemplating whether to have breakfast or not, of what to eat, and where to eat, I came across this simple yet unassuming question:

'Where did rice come from?'

I mean, who in the ancient first place, would have thought of putting grain into water and boil it into fluffy white goodness that gives Asia its staple energy? I mean, imagine you were a neolithic man, just found how fire can do wonders, and you have gotten tired of running around the place trying to catch animals that run faster than you do.

What would have made you to take grain from the stalk, beat it a bit, wind off the husk, and put the darn thing into water and boil??

It must have taken years or even generations to figure those steps out!!!

I only wonder how did they come up with something like that?? Imagine the trial and error that could have taken place... And I wonder why they didn't abandon the idea after the first few failures...

So.. there you go...

Before you dig in... try figuring this out...

It's tough...

I wonder why I am soaking myself in a pool of unhappiness and self-induced depression. *wait... is that even possible?*

I found that life is getting more and more difficult. But that's just life. No one gets it easy. I am on the brink of making a life changing decision, and it's so life changing that I don't even dare tell my parents about it. Well, I've tried at hinting, and they hinted back that they do not approve of such a step. But then...

Ah, well...

It's always unsettling for someone like me to take a big detour on my life's journey. It's not all about me and myself. It's always about the family that I icarry around with me. Wherever I go, I have to make plans for my family. There was this comment in my previous post that asked me where my hometown was... I didn't answer the fella directly simply because I want to somewhat maintain a certain amount of anonymity. *Sorries...*

Well, let's just say that expectations are high. And although given the broad shoulders to carry these expectations, it is still hard. Some expectations from your family are unspoken. Some are plain for everyone to see. Some are expectations you put on yourself. Well, that's the perils of living in a slowly 'Westernising' society.

We Asians, are still rather Familial. We stick closely to our nuclear family. Mother+Father is very important. Taking care of them properly is even more important. It's a rather big 'sin' when you're Chinese, and you put your parents into a Home. Society looks at you as if you're heartless. And it's true to a certain point. My parents didn't send me to a Home when I was a baby so that they get to work, and thus, they do not deserve to be sent to a home when I go work. And seeing the conditions of the 'Homes' here, I would rather not... I mean, I myself, do not want to end up in a Home, whatmore my parents.

Whatever said and done, all we can do is to take it as it comes I guess.

But that doesn't stop me from thinking about my every move. One little mis-step, and I could be set aback for years.

What's a man to do, eh?

Ah, well...

Life goes on.

Life seriously does go on whether you like it or not. Inevitably, there are only 2 things that Man cannot change. First is the (in)ability to manipulate time. The second is Woman.

*ok... ok... the Lame'O'Metre is peaking...*


There are only 2 things that man cannot control in this small world. The first is Woman. The other is Time.

Let's not talk about the former, for it is a waste of the latter.

For centuries, well, eons, Man has been bound by time. The passing of seasons will happen regardless of what man does. No matter how hard you may try to stop time, it will still pass you by. Well, like it or not, time catches up with you whatever you try to do. However much you try to make time, the clock will still continue to tick no matter what.

A lot of things, only time will tell... Only in time, we will know... Only time will heal... Only time can heal wounds... Only time to forgive... and forget... Only time can restore... Only time...

Man's futile resistance towards time is just that; Futile at the very end.

Time is indeed something special... I only wonder why there are so many people who worship so many things, but no one worships time...

I mean, time is the ultimate factor that man cannot change.

Scienteists in all thier wondrous intelligence, could only think up a theory that 'may' manipulate time. Up until today, after so many technological advancements, the common man is still struggling to cope with the supposed 4th Dimension, that's COPE.. not MANIPULATE. It seems that it indeed is something that has a will of its own.

Even the genius of the entire world's scientists cannot control time. All we are able to do is to formulate a theory based on the physical possibilities that we can transcend time and space 'if' we can fulfill a few impossible things that are against the law of physics and logic.

Such a theory has now been pushed back into the classrooms as a theoratical nuance that everyone knows about, but very few understand. (Maybe there are scientists working in some secret lab somewhere building a time machine... but then.. what do we common people know...)

Let's face it. The common man on the street has given up on trying to control time a long long while ago.

Not because we don't want to control time, but because we simply can't!

Well, God gave us freewill, and we are as free as we want to be.

So time, the 4th Dimension, cannot be controlled, it cannot be understood, it can only be felt.

And how it catches up with us.

sigh...

But the solace is, that in the end, it means nothing if we never made any impact on our 'time'.

Gah...

I wonder what will happen tomorrow...

I wonder what's going to happen later today...

I wonder a lot...

Maybe I should stop wondering.

Maybe I should do a lot of things.

Maybe I should have lunch today.

Maybe... Maybe... I wonder... Maybe...

The boss's not in, on holiday, and I'm taking my sweet time to do my own stuff.

It's a good change of pace...

But somehow, I still don't know why.

People since time immemorial have been known to try long and hard to foresee the future. There's this thing about not knowing where we will end up later tht bugs the hell out of us.

I wonder if we will ever stop.

I wonder why we do so...

Finances...

It's difficult, balancing your own books.

I've been in a bit of a rut in my finances lately. But God throws me a life-line every now-and-then...

A few months ago, I was able to pick up 2 separate pieces of RM1.00 from the floor when I was low on cash, and was able to have a decent breakfast for that day. And now...

I picked up a 'Monthly Pass' from the sidewalk yesterday!!! And that means I have a good 10 days worth of travelling fees waived! That amounts to RM4.60* times 10 working days!! That's RM46.00 less of expenses for the month! I was indeed struggling to keep my expenses low and I have been praying for God to deliver me, because it did seem bleak! AND HE DELIVERS!!!

*I spend RM4.60 everyday to and from the office on the LRT.

Well, I do pity the poor fella who lost the monthly pass, but it was indeed lying on the sidewalk, beside a busy street. If I didn't pick it up, someone else would have. I actually made a pass when I first saw it, but after a good 10 metres, I turned back and nobody was taking notice on the shiny piece of hard paper on the floor. So I turned back and picked it up!

Now, I'm a happy camper... hehehehehe...

It's been so long...

It's been so long since I've sat down and written anything remotely good.

When life becomes a meaningless existance, that's all I can think of.

But then, all of a sudden, God throws you something unexpected. Well, maybe I've been expecting something like that for a long time now, but I'm not sure.

I hate being not sure about things. My entire family hates being unsure. I have been seemingly brought up on the basis that I must have a direction in life. All the time!

But never have I encountered such a question before: Do you see yourself doing this until the very end?

I have been, all this while, giving myself short term goals to chase, but I have never had a really solid long term goal. The other day, when I was asked the question of 'Do you see yourself doing this thing until your dying day?' I was indeed taken aback. I have never ever thought about such a thing. All I have ever thought of until then was that I want to grow old graciously, doing what I should be doing at the very point in time. Be it relaxing through my retirement, or working until my death, I had no clear plan.

Maybe it's because my heart was never bound on gaining worldly pleasures. I have never set a target for myself to earn how much when I am how old, nor do I take pride in being able to own how many pieces of property. All I ever wanted was a nice and cozy family that sits down every other night, and talk about things. Anything. As long as there's a family, there's happiness.

I guess all my goals were just to make my parents happy, have a couple of great kids, and in the end, live out my life as an example for others to follow. Idealistic, maybe. Realistic, possibly. Naive, Hah!

I have been in wanderland for the past couple of years, thinking that I had a direction in life, but in actual fact, I was just tagging along as time flew past. Yes, I learned a few things from working at 3 agencies in 2 years, this current one being my longest, but I have never seen myself going through this kind of life unti I die. I have been looking for ways to get out of this system since a long time ago. I do not think that I want to work like a dog for money, and in the very end, have no time to make a difference in my generation.

If money was all I ever wanted, then I would've sacrificed time for money. Friends, and family would have been a distraction. But that, I would say, would have me ending up an old croon with loads and loads of money to burn, who has no real friends. That is the exact kind of impact that I do not want to have on society.

I am a person who likes to see people change for the better. Not worse.

Back to life...

Back to reality...

I swear by the hair in my nostrils (for God said that we shouldn't swear by the hairs of our heads for we can't even count them) that I am not enjoying it.

I came back from my holidays re-energised, but mentally, once reality sunk in, I am once again depressed.

Going home brought some much needed rest into my system. A short hiatus from the issues that I left pending in KL, purposefully not wanting to think about them. And now that I am back, nothing has changed. The issues are still there. Some have mutated into a different issue, some new issues have popped up, and some are still waiting to be acted on.

My future is still not decided.

Going home brought up a entirely new issue with my parents. I mean, I can see that they are not getting any younger, and in time, will need someone to take care of. That goes for my girlfriend's side as well. We just sent off her brother to the States for his Tertiary pursuit, and as things go, he doesn't seem to be coming back to the small town to settle down any time soon. But of course, everything can change. Well, as things go, I am having this strong burden to go back and take care of my aging parents. I can't possibly bring them to KL and ask them to change their idyllic lifestyle for a meaningless existance in the big city with no friends, nothing to do, and 4 walls worth of an apartment.

But then, going home will present problems of its own for me and the plans that I have made for the next few years. Well, not that they are any good anyways.

I went around during my holidays, and seeing different things brought up different opportunities for me. Different ideas, different burdens. Some that I have to bear, some that I can choose to bear, some that if I so choose, my entire family will have to bear with me.

Sometimes, the burden of some unsaid responsibilities can be a very big factor in deciding your own future. What a lot of people theses days fail to realise is that your life is not just about yourself.

Liberal thinking promotes the advancement and the glorification of the INDIVIDUAL... but since when have Man been individuals?

No man is an island. And that is the truth. You don't get anywhere without friends, accomplices, and/or enemies.

The entire species of Man is societal.

As soon as you were born, you were born into a family that caters to bringing you up as the family can and knows best. So what gives us the right to declare ourselves as an individual as soon as we can become financially independant?

I think that independance and individualism is somewhat confused by a lot of people.

I have a lot of friends who, for the sake of escaping from the clutches of a doting mom, or authoritarian parents, want to move out of the house as soon as they possibly can. It's happening everywhere, and a lot of us don't actually know what we are doing.

When we move out and live by ourselves, we tend to forget how to live life as a family unit. It's actually a road of no return, severing the ties that bonds Man together as a family unit.

It's just wrong.

When you were born, you were born into a family who takes care of your every whimper. And imagine, if your parents left you to fend for yourselves when you were still a small baby/kid, how many times would you have died? Fever, coughs, and even the smallest of skin irritations could have killed you when you knew nothing better than to suckle at your mother's bossoms. Did they just put you into the hospital, and gave you money to pay for the bills and left you to fend for yourself?

But individualism dictates that most of the time, when your parents die, they die as individuals... Left alone by the sons and daughters who do not even have the slightest notion what family and responsibility means. When they grow old, they are given stacks and stacks of money just so that their every need is taken care of, save one... The need to have a relationship with their closest relations.

So you tell me that your parents aren't your responsibility since it was they who gave birth to you in the first place, and that you did not choose to be born into this life?? In that you are not responsible for their actions (of bringing you into this world)?

If they hadn't given birth to you initially, they would've suffered the same fate in having no one to care for them but themselves?

How individualistic and selfish indeed.

Have you failed to realise that as parents, they have never stopped giving?

BACK!!!

Man, that was a good week's worth of doing nothing...

Well, I went around, ate a lot of stuff, contemplated on my future, and came back feeling sick in the gut.

I just hate the end of holidays. All the troubles I left behind are slowly creeping back into my life as I step down from the plane.

Back to reality... Back to the rat race... Back to life without meaning...

Momentary Haitus

I'll be on leave, going back to my homeland...

Normal blogging will resume after the 14th Aug.

As for now, REST!!!

Existentialist Post

The irony of being an existentialist is that everything means nothing, and sometimes, nothingness could bite you back and mean everything.

Well, in a nutshell, existentialism means, in the end, everything is meaningless. Solomon from the Bible is said to be the world's first 'published' existentialist. His thoughts, recorded in Ecclesiastes is all about the seeking of wisdom and the irony of a meaningless of life.

Well, if life was indeed meaningless, and that in the end, in death (or otherwise) will mean nothing, then why are we doing the things that we are doing?

If in the end, we all suffer from the inevitable death of our bodies, then why do we do so many things?

In the end,

this post...

is meaningless...

*I just like it when I take you guys for a ride... but that too... is meaningless....

hahahahahahahaha

Life.

I hate it when life throws you a curve ball.

You get emotional over small things, and you get confused on big things.

The more curve balls I get, I am learning more about myself with each and every hit.

I would like to envisage myself as a man's man. And I would shed blood rather than to shed tears. But sometimes, I do find myself watery-eyed at a touching movie, or when I am touched by a song.

I have also found out that I am not as tough as I would like to think myself as. My weakness, is my strength. And that is not necessarily a good thing.

Well, as those who know about it already, I'll be off to my hometown for 1 week!!! Yayness!!! (spare me a bimbotic moment can?)

Ah... the smell of fresh air as compared to the carbon-monoxide of KL, the smell of the sea, the sound of birds chirping on the trees outside your window. Sigh, I am starting to forget about those days. Heck, I don't even have a home to return to now. My room's been taken over, and I have nothing back there. No old clothes, no old shoes, no nothing. Save for a few trophies that I won during my time in secondary school. There might be some other trinkets here and there, but basically, nothing.

I wonder how it is for a man to stay in the same house for his entire life. Sometimes, you do get to visit a house that has stuff in it from ages past, and you go, 'Whao!' But those are a rarity now, and what would have been antiques of the future are now being discarded into the trash as soon as we move to a new place.

Well, the reason being, a lot of us like to travel light. That's why the currently old trend of minimalising things have been popular amongst today's people.

No one makes the effort to put any effort into their work nowadays. Everyone just wants to get rich. Well, maybe not rich, but at least an earning curve that is growing faster than the inflation rate of the world. And only a few manage to do that. While most of us minions are rushing for work, there are people who are earning a significant amount of money even while they're waking up. But let's not talk about them.

The problem with us today is that most of us fail to realise, well, not most, but a good 99.99% percent of the earth's population fail to realise that there is more to life. Life is not just about rushing to work so that we get a good comment from our boss, nor getting that deal sealed so that we can gain a larger commission package, nor about getting that promotion so that you're slowly but surely climbing up the corporate food chain. Life is about taking the time to breathe in the essence of life. If only people will just stop working for one day, and contemplate on life itself, then, maybe they will realise that all this rushing will bear no consequence. I mean, however much you rush to and from work, however much you do at work, however much you buy and sell, however much you earn, you will still not be able to catch up with inflation.

It's a futile race.

Once you stop working, inflation will over take you like a tidal wave. And we can't be working our entire lives can't we? But we can't just sit here and wait neither!

I've met a girl who worked so hard at her direct sales gig that she wanted to retire at the age of 26. That was quite a few years ago. I hope she did it, and is now enjoying her retirement. But one thing is for sure. However much she accumulated in the form of bonds and shares, and wealth management stocks, inflation will surely catch up with her. The inflation rate that the wealth managers project in their statistics are always at around 6% - 8%, and they will surely promise you a return on investment of a little more than that. But when it comes down to the street level, you find actual inflation going up by 20%-30% each year!

So, you still wanna race?

In the end, it all comes to nothing.
We race, and rant, and race...
We toil and labour and rush off to vacations,
We take holidays to 'recharge' so that we can work even more!

And in the end, the inevitable catches up with us. Death.

Everyone dies. Everyone comes with nothing, and goes with nothing. But why are people so in a rush to find something to hold on to during their short lifetime?

Our lives, compared to the timeline of the entire history of man, are like the grass; here today, gone tomorrow.

What we have now, is of no significance to where we will end up in death. Why would we even want to die and leave tonnes of stuff to our kin? Do they even want these things?

Why then, would we want to rush through our lives and work for finite things? Why wouldn't we want to spend the little time that we have during our insignificant lifetime with those whom we love?

Why would we want to rush to our death?

I've been doing a lot of thinking...

I have made plans to do a lot of things. Good things. Exciting things. But as it stands, it seems that such plans are useless, and will not be approved.

Those are only plans for me to execute, but the intiator has yet to be revealed.

Strange that sometimes, we are made to do things that we do not comprehend and yet still something good comes out of it.

I always think that I am a man of action, and I am able to do so many things if I am given the chance. But yet, sometimes, the Devine works in ways that is beyond logic. There's so much I can do, so many things that are there to be done, and yet, I am called to wait.

Well, I can only tell you later, when I get my answers.

Waiting

I hate waiting.

I am a man of action. Immediate action. When my mind is set on doing something, I try not to wait too long before I can start working on it. But now, I am waiting for something. And it's not fun at all.

I'm a miserable soul when i'm waiting.

So... I'm still waiting...

and waiting...

It seems that we wait a lot during our lifetime. We spend a lot of time waiting for busses when we were young. School busses are always late it seems. Then as we grew older, we get a longer leash, and are free to go wherever we like with our friends. And we find ourselves doing the exact same thing. Waiting for public transport (funny is it that people can chart their outings using bus routes in Germany and everything goes to plan. But even if we drive our own car in Malaysia, we are still able to get ourselves late?). Then when we arrive at the designated place, we also find oursleves waiting. There's sure to be someone who woke up late.

Then, we wait in lines for food, and we wait at the cinemas to buy tickets.

We wait, and wait, and wait...

And now, I am being made to wait a lot more, an an even bigger issue.

Still waiting...

I shall wait...

Until I can wait no more.