Wednesday, August 16, 2006

It's been so long...

It's been so long since I've sat down and written anything remotely good.

When life becomes a meaningless existance, that's all I can think of.

But then, all of a sudden, God throws you something unexpected. Well, maybe I've been expecting something like that for a long time now, but I'm not sure.

I hate being not sure about things. My entire family hates being unsure. I have been seemingly brought up on the basis that I must have a direction in life. All the time!

But never have I encountered such a question before: Do you see yourself doing this until the very end?

I have been, all this while, giving myself short term goals to chase, but I have never had a really solid long term goal. The other day, when I was asked the question of 'Do you see yourself doing this thing until your dying day?' I was indeed taken aback. I have never ever thought about such a thing. All I have ever thought of until then was that I want to grow old graciously, doing what I should be doing at the very point in time. Be it relaxing through my retirement, or working until my death, I had no clear plan.

Maybe it's because my heart was never bound on gaining worldly pleasures. I have never set a target for myself to earn how much when I am how old, nor do I take pride in being able to own how many pieces of property. All I ever wanted was a nice and cozy family that sits down every other night, and talk about things. Anything. As long as there's a family, there's happiness.

I guess all my goals were just to make my parents happy, have a couple of great kids, and in the end, live out my life as an example for others to follow. Idealistic, maybe. Realistic, possibly. Naive, Hah!

I have been in wanderland for the past couple of years, thinking that I had a direction in life, but in actual fact, I was just tagging along as time flew past. Yes, I learned a few things from working at 3 agencies in 2 years, this current one being my longest, but I have never seen myself going through this kind of life unti I die. I have been looking for ways to get out of this system since a long time ago. I do not think that I want to work like a dog for money, and in the very end, have no time to make a difference in my generation.

If money was all I ever wanted, then I would've sacrificed time for money. Friends, and family would have been a distraction. But that, I would say, would have me ending up an old croon with loads and loads of money to burn, who has no real friends. That is the exact kind of impact that I do not want to have on society.

I am a person who likes to see people change for the better. Not worse.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

its a wee bit (ok, -slightly- more) mind-numbing or angst-sy at the crossroad of life. whereby, compare to what i dream of when i was a kid to where to now after the whole ho-ha's in one's graduated academic life.

im pretty much a headless chicken too.

i wont say u're naive.
cuz if you are, i wud have been so 'blonde' right now. (bite the bait dude, its flattery im throwing in)
analytical minds have ways of driving one's self into edgy corners.

whats worse than wandering around boundless is a standstill in silent obscurity.

what could god be tellin us at this detour of our life?

I remained speechless & discerning on that provoking thought...


August 16, 2006 11:20 pm  
Blogger SaDdNesZ.jc said...

Yvonne: the problem with us, is that most of the time, we do not have time to sit down and listen to God...

So, that's it to the notion of 'What could God be telling us'...


August 17, 2006 10:16 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

know what they tease about the abbreviation for the word 'busy'?


tough call.

August 18, 2006 12:54 am  
Blogger SaDdNesZ.jc said...

Yvonne: No wonder lah... puik... I should've stayed home and do nothing... ahahahahahahaha

August 18, 2006 9:45 am  

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