hopeless

meaningless. 

Everything is either hopeless or meaningless. It seems that we're fighting a war that's not even know to the residents here in this sleepy hollow. 

Every man for himself then.

I'm stuck in a rut at the moment. Can't settle down, can't do anything. 

The school building's 3weeks late, the lisence is not in hand, my accommodation is still not settled, there's work to be done, but at the same time, for what?

I've been living out of boxes since I arrived here, and I am still living out of boxes after 3 months. The apartment unit that I stay in is in a rut, pieces of parquet are coming off and will duly stick to your feet if you've just walked out of the bath. 

I can't buy a washing machine yet cause we still don't know when to move up to the school; I don't want to move the thing twice. 

There's so many things that are unsettled, so many things that is going to change, and change is not coming soon enough.

sigh.

It's been long enough...

yeah.

It's been long enough since I posted.

Quick updates;
1. Work is starting to get hectic; plans+expectations+lack of time+idealism+unknown factors... You do the math

2. Just got word that my car has finally been given the go-ahead to get it fixed. Will drop by the workshop on Monday to discuss about the details. Should I take away the vroom-vroom exhaust??

3. School license is still pending approval;

4. Baby is starting to show on wife's tummy. Entering 4th month;

5. Still feeling ridiculously tired during the days. Weird;

6. Getting frustrated to be stuck in a town where there's no place to go whatsoever; For the first time in my life, I stepped back into Sunway and was fazed by the glimmer and glitter of the lights at the pyramid. Now I understand why they say when a kampung boy steps into the big city, they get drawn by the lights as if a moth gets drawn by the zapper;

7. Paid exorbitantly for 2 meals today. Birthday Lunch + Full Moon Dinner = 2 angpaus, you do the math.

8. Getting a feeling that being BB Captain isn't only about the Boys', it's also about meetings and meetings and meetings...

9. Found a futsal court with good players to play with every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but somehow can't find the time to go there frequently. You've guessed it - Meetings;

10. It's weird when you work for the church but then you also have to sacrifice your Sunday serving to work on a Sunday Event. Going to Saturday Night service later and not being ableto play in the Worship Team on Sunday because I have to man a booth on Sunday morning to promote the school;

That's a quick 10 facts about me now.

Laterz...

ON the lighter side of life...

There's no lighter side of life for me so far. 

I find myself being so occupied by the fact that I am still settling down, with countless loose ends to settle, and I am duly distracted by work, rumours of work, restrictions in doing work, working on something that you don't know whether you should work on or not, I'd say a big chunk of my worry now is WORK... 

It's not that my work is not good, nor do I resent my office, but it's just, we're so stuck in between things right now that we can't move much. So many things are out of our control and management. So many things that need to be done, but cannot be done. 

So many things that should have been done, but were not done...

So many places to go, so many hats to wear, so many issues from so many sides... 

I have simply stopped thinking about things. All I think about is what I should be doing tomorrow, and even that also, sometimes, cannot be answered. It's like I'm existing to work, but then, there's not much to be done. Everything is so unsure that there's nothing that can be a certainty. I know what I would be teaching next year, but then, that too is not confirmed.

I guess I have really lost my focus in certain areas of my life.

The stuff on my mind constitutes stuff like what if the school won't start next year? What if I can sell-off my car, which is still not fixed because the final police report is still pending the signature of some majistrate that is supposed to visit Kinabatangan like maybe once a year or something, I need to manage my finances, which include the buying of fridge, installation of astro, telephone/internet, possibly the purchase of a bigger vehicle so that it'll be more comfortable for the family to travel back and forth from Tawau and Sandakan, saving up for the baby, the food that we eat everyday, the clothes that we wear, and all that. 

I know the Bible says not to worry and sorts, but it's like, my mind is in this state of 'can't do anything now'. I would like to see myself as a man who has a bit of foresight and I would like to see things 2 steps ahead of people, but this is killing me. 

I guess what I need would be a retret of some sort to some where...