It's a downward spiral...

When depression/anxiety gets hold of you, you're doomed...

I haven't been feeling particularly well these few days, well, this couple of weeks. I have had money given to me by the company, like a mid-year bonus kind of thing, I have had other blessings here and there, life is going as planned, well, on the short term at least, but still, I am depressed. Well, maybe not actually depressed, but deflated.

I have been going to sports rather actively during the past week, but the adrenalin rush didn't do me any good. I feel that I am getting back some of my physical fitness back. And it's about time too. But then, I still feel tired. Mentally I guess.

The job prospects didn't call back. I haven't really sat down and thought about what I want with life yet. The last time I felt like this, I actually changed the course of my life. Well, maybe I am on the brink of changing now. I don't know. I seriously don't know about myself anymore. I thought I wanted this, but then, in hindsight, probably not.

It's about time I got myself some big MNC and start my way from the bottom. Then climb up the corporate ladder slowly. And probably stay there for life. Or until I get enough savings to come out on my own, and start a small business of my own, just to pass time.

I don't know...

I don't know what I want. Well, I know what I want, but I don't know how to get it. I seriously know that I don't want this job for the long term. But I can't seem to find something that I want to do. I mean, it is obvious that I am doing this just because I can. Not because I want to. The things that I want to do doesn't bode well with the corporate world today.

Unless of course, I come out to open my own business. But that's a major risk. And I'm not sure I can afford to take such a risk. it does seem that I am torn between two. There are two very different paths set before me.

Speaking of which, I remember my mother telling me one fine day that my family lineage goes back to a good 5 generations of Anglicans. I am the 5th generation. And I am also the 5th generation of my family lineage that has been working our butts off for a meagre salary. It seems that the world is waiting. Waiting for me to take an extreme stride towards either side. 5 generations and none of my predecessors has offered himself to become a full-time evangelist. 5 generations and no one has came out of the worker mindset and be an entrepreneur.

Maybe I am the bringer of change? But to which side? ahahahaha

I keep telling myself that I am too laden with debt that I will not be able to turn to the 'good side'. But my heart is set on that direction. But yet, circumstances tells me that my calling is not as such.

sigh...

Torn between two... The world, and all its glory, or the Path of Suffering where the son of man has no place to lay his head.

So tell me...

Why do I call myself an extremist again?