I've been thinking...

I haven't been thinking for quite some time now. Maybe it's because of the nature of my work, which is at an executive level whereby I only execute plans as ordered by my boss. But now, it seems that I have restarted to use my brain a bit more. And it's no fun at all. I mean, when I think about things, I really think about things until I don't sleep. Thus, I'm on the physically and mentally tired side of the energy spectrum.

I'm struggling with my vocation. I am struggling with what I want to do with my life. I am struggling with following my heart or my head. I am struggling to make ends meet. I am struggling to put sense into all this. I am struggling to make a decision that will ultimately determine where I will be come 20 years down the road.

I am questioning if God will change His will for me in my life. And why would I have received a 'prophecy' that has so directly challenged what my heart wants to do? Why is it that I have to weigh whether God is moulding me to be this or that? I am questioning that if God is the God of History, then wouldn't He be in the future as well? Cannot be that He will give me a run on a wild-goose chase, and then tell me that He wants me to do exactly what He didn't want me to do?

But then, if feelings were anything to go by, then I would say that I am enjoying doing something that God has said exactly I would not be doing.

If then spirituality were to be adhered to, and if I choose to do what I enjoy, I would be going against God's will in my life?

So many questions, so much confusion.

I am so confused with my situation now that I don't know how to start by telling others. I am suffering from so many complications that I don't even know what is the root of all these problems anymore.

I am in a situation where I cannot see what possibly lies ahead. The waves are crashing in on me, pushing me forward to what seems to be destruction. But then, if I hold on to the promises of God, I know He won't let me down. But then, by the prophecy He has given me, I am going against His will if I continue to do what I enjoy.

I know I've been writing in vague and undefined terms. In time I will be able to reveal all. Just bear with me and listen to this struggling heart.

I just hope that God won't let me struggle for much longer.

I need to see the ray of light at the end of the tunnel.

I need to see hope.

I need to know...