Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I've been thinking...

I haven't been thinking for quite some time now. Maybe it's because of the nature of my work, which is at an executive level whereby I only execute plans as ordered by my boss. But now, it seems that I have restarted to use my brain a bit more. And it's no fun at all. I mean, when I think about things, I really think about things until I don't sleep. Thus, I'm on the physically and mentally tired side of the energy spectrum.

I'm struggling with my vocation. I am struggling with what I want to do with my life. I am struggling with following my heart or my head. I am struggling to make ends meet. I am struggling to put sense into all this. I am struggling to make a decision that will ultimately determine where I will be come 20 years down the road.

I am questioning if God will change His will for me in my life. And why would I have received a 'prophecy' that has so directly challenged what my heart wants to do? Why is it that I have to weigh whether God is moulding me to be this or that? I am questioning that if God is the God of History, then wouldn't He be in the future as well? Cannot be that He will give me a run on a wild-goose chase, and then tell me that He wants me to do exactly what He didn't want me to do?

But then, if feelings were anything to go by, then I would say that I am enjoying doing something that God has said exactly I would not be doing.

If then spirituality were to be adhered to, and if I choose to do what I enjoy, I would be going against God's will in my life?

So many questions, so much confusion.

I am so confused with my situation now that I don't know how to start by telling others. I am suffering from so many complications that I don't even know what is the root of all these problems anymore.

I am in a situation where I cannot see what possibly lies ahead. The waves are crashing in on me, pushing me forward to what seems to be destruction. But then, if I hold on to the promises of God, I know He won't let me down. But then, by the prophecy He has given me, I am going against His will if I continue to do what I enjoy.

I know I've been writing in vague and undefined terms. In time I will be able to reveal all. Just bear with me and listen to this struggling heart.

I just hope that God won't let me struggle for much longer.

I need to see the ray of light at the end of the tunnel.

I need to see hope.

I need to know...

4 Comments:

Blogger rick-ism said...

"Uncertainty and expectation are the joys of life. Security is an insipid thing, through the overtaking and possessing of a wish discovers the folly of the chase.” - William Congreve

June 17, 2008 11:51 pm  
Blogger DeGiRL said...

:) Hold on.. We heaar you

June 18, 2008 11:37 am  
Blogger theGodlyLawyer said...

Don't give up seeing... and believing... you know what and how i went through and also going through things... but God has never forsaken me. He has been blessing me when I trusted Him more. God will not forsake you.... Pray HARDER...!!! It's not what is God's Will for us... rather.. what's God's Will that we can achieve.

June 18, 2008 11:14 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't Give Up! God is always want to bless us more than we ask for it. Eventhough sometime He is silent about what He want us to do, yet He is always a faithful God. His timing is always the best and also the shortest!

To experience God in time of silent is yet another challenge of faith and submissive. God will surely speak and bless those who wait upon Him and trust in Him.

Through my recent experiences with God regarding my life changing decision, I can assured you that He will surely bless those who wait upon Him. Jia You oh! always here to support you, my ex-cell leader! hahaha..

June 19, 2008 12:07 am  

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