The debate of a perfectionist...

I am a fighter. I know I am. I have determination that's as tough as a tank. But all that doesn't hide the fact that my heart is melting under the pressure that I am in currently. I have never fell so low since my failling my exams when I was back in college. But this is a different kind of 'down'. Back then, I was demotivated and therefore, lost the fire in me to fight. But this time, I have all the motivation to fight on, soldier on and keep everything in tact, but the message from my heart is that I should just give it all up. So what you can call me now is a walking, talking piece of emotionless tank. Inpregnable from the outside, but crumbling inside.

The life of living in prominence in your group of friends means that you are not your own. The very little time that you have does not belong to you. One simple request from one of your cell members and you'll be thrown off track. One request to fetch some guy that's living 2 kilometres away would throw a wrench into your plans. People think that it's easy to fetch someone, but they never think that one last-minute-request would cause me my own time for dinner? Personal Time & Own Sweet Time does not exist in my vocabulary. Time and again, whenever there's a function going on at church, I'll be out of the house 1 hour before everyone does, because I need to fetch this member of mine, and then, just as I leave for the planned pick-up, someone else calls. And this happens ALL THE FREAKIN TIME!!!

But as a prominent leader, I cannot let the people around me know that I'm weak inside, because I just can't! I can be weak, but I can't show that I am weak, because I need to be an encourager. I need a break, but I can't take a break, because there's so many people relying on me. I can't be myself, because the people around me wouldn't be able to take it. I must take this pill because only I can take it. But yet, my heart constantly chooses to not take it.

In public, certain things set in motion cannot be stopped. So must I suffer in silence? Should I??? This kind of things cannot be stopped. The only way to stop such things is quitting, and I am not a quitter. But yet, the fight is seeming to be futile. I can't be driving an empty tank that's crumbling inwards all the time.

I am a perfectionist and I excel in bringing myself around as the perfect guy. Sometimes, I do think that I have been too conscientious until I've lost my own character. I overheard a friend sharing with my girlfriend about leaders nowadays having to accomodate thier character to suit their followers (Because Christian Leadership starts with servanthood) and later find that as a leader, we do not have character. That is very true.

But Church has gone so low nowadays that the leadership has been accomodating and changing and suiting themselves to the point of desparation in getting people to come in. This has caused a lot of churches to lose their dominant characteristics. We constantly find ourselves trying to please the congregation, just so that they will come to church every week. The same is happening to me in cell group. All because people cannot take a domineering leader nowadays, I have turned myself into an accomodating leader. I used to be a very determined and domineering leader. You either work under me and excel, or you'll fag out and say that I am emotionless, that I have no empathy, that your own parents dont treat you that badly. Well, the truth is, I ain't your Momma. And no matter how hard i am trying, I am getting fed up!

But that doesn't solve the problem that I am currently facing. I still have too many responsibilities on my hands. I can't effectively do so many things at the same time. And I don't like to do things that do not succeed. If I can't give my best, I'd rather not do it. Because I am a perfectionist, I do not like to compromise on quality. And if i cannot provide perfect quality, I am not going to continue with the job. So now, my problem is, which is top priority when all of them are???

I know that I should prioritise, but then, if I let go of certain responsibilities... wait... I can't let go of certain responsibilities... Because everything is inter-connected, and this balancing act has left me with no personal time for myself.

sigh...