Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The debate of a perfectionist...

I am a fighter. I know I am. I have determination that's as tough as a tank. But all that doesn't hide the fact that my heart is melting under the pressure that I am in currently. I have never fell so low since my failling my exams when I was back in college. But this is a different kind of 'down'. Back then, I was demotivated and therefore, lost the fire in me to fight. But this time, I have all the motivation to fight on, soldier on and keep everything in tact, but the message from my heart is that I should just give it all up. So what you can call me now is a walking, talking piece of emotionless tank. Inpregnable from the outside, but crumbling inside.

The life of living in prominence in your group of friends means that you are not your own. The very little time that you have does not belong to you. One simple request from one of your cell members and you'll be thrown off track. One request to fetch some guy that's living 2 kilometres away would throw a wrench into your plans. People think that it's easy to fetch someone, but they never think that one last-minute-request would cause me my own time for dinner? Personal Time & Own Sweet Time does not exist in my vocabulary. Time and again, whenever there's a function going on at church, I'll be out of the house 1 hour before everyone does, because I need to fetch this member of mine, and then, just as I leave for the planned pick-up, someone else calls. And this happens ALL THE FREAKIN TIME!!!

But as a prominent leader, I cannot let the people around me know that I'm weak inside, because I just can't! I can be weak, but I can't show that I am weak, because I need to be an encourager. I need a break, but I can't take a break, because there's so many people relying on me. I can't be myself, because the people around me wouldn't be able to take it. I must take this pill because only I can take it. But yet, my heart constantly chooses to not take it.

In public, certain things set in motion cannot be stopped. So must I suffer in silence? Should I??? This kind of things cannot be stopped. The only way to stop such things is quitting, and I am not a quitter. But yet, the fight is seeming to be futile. I can't be driving an empty tank that's crumbling inwards all the time.

I am a perfectionist and I excel in bringing myself around as the perfect guy. Sometimes, I do think that I have been too conscientious until I've lost my own character. I overheard a friend sharing with my girlfriend about leaders nowadays having to accomodate thier character to suit their followers (Because Christian Leadership starts with servanthood) and later find that as a leader, we do not have character. That is very true.

But Church has gone so low nowadays that the leadership has been accomodating and changing and suiting themselves to the point of desparation in getting people to come in. This has caused a lot of churches to lose their dominant characteristics. We constantly find ourselves trying to please the congregation, just so that they will come to church every week. The same is happening to me in cell group. All because people cannot take a domineering leader nowadays, I have turned myself into an accomodating leader. I used to be a very determined and domineering leader. You either work under me and excel, or you'll fag out and say that I am emotionless, that I have no empathy, that your own parents dont treat you that badly. Well, the truth is, I ain't your Momma. And no matter how hard i am trying, I am getting fed up!

But that doesn't solve the problem that I am currently facing. I still have too many responsibilities on my hands. I can't effectively do so many things at the same time. And I don't like to do things that do not succeed. If I can't give my best, I'd rather not do it. Because I am a perfectionist, I do not like to compromise on quality. And if i cannot provide perfect quality, I am not going to continue with the job. So now, my problem is, which is top priority when all of them are???

I know that I should prioritise, but then, if I let go of certain responsibilities... wait... I can't let go of certain responsibilities... Because everything is inter-connected, and this balancing act has left me with no personal time for myself.

sigh...

6 Comments:

Blogger Gab said...

*whistles*oh, boy! u can write a lot in a day...vent out ur frustrations, and still outperform others..it'll do you good.

September 28, 2005 12:38 am  
Blogger SaDdNesZ.jc said...

It's a gift... hehehehe...

The gift of working as a copywriter means that you can have long breaks in between copy checking and writing something for your clients...

It only takes 30 seconds to think up of a tagline... and the rest of the day, I'm free...

Don't tell my boss... shhhh...

September 28, 2005 9:37 am  
Blogger Yian said...

Don't get disheartened...

These people you are fetching, do they not drive, or just want someone to fetch?? How many care groups members do you have? You need to delegate the transportation arrangements.....You need to make them realize that they can't make last-minute transportation arrangements...

These minor details, not spiritual, although important, can be handled by your trainees or the ppl you want to train up. You can then share the burden, lighten your load, and train new ppl! I'm sure you know this too...but maybe you need to learn to let go of somethings in order to do bigger things. Discipling someone means passing your responsibility to them while you take on bigger ones.

It is very common for Christians to over-commit. You can never be over committed to God, but you can be over-committed to Christian activities. "God" does not equal "Christian Activities". God is more than that... A life that honours God is a life that is balanced, i.e. God permeates every part of our lives, our studies, our family, our relationships, church life, para-church activities, etc.

This is what my mentor says : A mature Christian knows how to balance his life to maximise long term results that brings maximum glory to God. A childish Christian might spend all his time on church, which brings glory to God for a while, but disgraces the Almighty in the long term in the area of studies, or family or relationships...

I am far from being a mature Christian myself :) I know just how you feel, and sometimes I get frustrated. It's better now, because a lot of the younger ones now know how to drive...

I used to wake up earlier, sacrifice time with family, skip meals, leave other functions earlier to fetch ppl. Sometimes they don't even say thank you....

If you need a break, you need a break. Don't push on and breakdown instead.

September 28, 2005 10:08 am  
Blogger SaDdNesZ.jc said...

Yain: It's hard to be perfect ain't it...

September 28, 2005 10:54 am  
Blogger Yian said...

It's Yian, not Yain!!!!!!! ;p

September 28, 2005 1:54 pm  
Blogger SaDdNesZ.jc said...

YIAN: apologies...

I'm still having trouble with the standard Mac keyboard...

Maybe it's my fingers... having motor co-ordination problems...

September 28, 2005 5:07 pm  

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