Why???

I seem to have a lot of "Why's"...


It's frustrating sometime when you have so many why's in your life and there's no one to answer them. I asked God about this particular 'Why' this morning as I was travelling down to KL in the LRT.

I am currently being challenged to come out on my own and start a small entreprise. It's a bold step, but then, I am known to make bold but calculated steps in my life. I am in the very end, an extremist. When I do something, I cannot be caught in between two things. I am a very focused man. If I do something, it'll be that thing all the way. I do not like to dwell in dual responsibilities. That is why, coming into the open, doing freelance jobs, while balancing my own work at the office is not something that appeals to me. If I were to come out and set-up my own entreprise, I would stop working. And that is what I am not prepared to face yet.

So I asked God: "Why am I seemingly working my ass off in the corporate world just to support my ministries?" See, there's a difference between a believer and a disciple. A beliver can sit down and believe, and do nothing about it. He believes, believes in his heart. But a disciple walks in the way of his Master. But working hard to earn a living, just to support what I do in church is seemingly a very difficult task. I have to work hard all day at work, and work even harder when I'm off work. What I get paid at work sometimes isn't even enough to support my activities in church.

Cell members can come up with the most intruiging of requests. I sometimes find myself asked to help out when a cell member has a need. And when this request comes in, it comes with a dateline. I mean, where got such inconsiderate people one? "Dear Cell Leader, I need your help in 'doing this thing', and it needs to be done by this Saturday." I mean, where got people ask you for a favour and it comes with dateline one? What about my own personal life? What about the things that I wanted and needed to do? People tend to forget that you do not have time to live out your personal life and they act as if you are there to serve their needs only. I am now constantly finding myself in need of 'MORE TIME'. I have no time to go to the supermarket for groceries even. Seemingly, my credit card is waiting at the bank to be collected by me for a good 2 weeks now, and I haven't got the time to collect it. I haven't been able to buy myself the pair of slippers that I need, and I still have to attend to such ridiculous requests.

If you turn them down, they say that you don't care for them. You help them out, you lose your personal time, not to say money in terms of petrol and stuff like that. The worse is, sometimes, they don't even offer to reimburse you or at the very least treat you to dinner. Even if they offer you something, there's a code of conduct that you should politely refuse.

so... tell me... Why am I earning a salary just o burn it off on my cell members requests?

Because I'm a leader. That's why. Because I'm a disciple. That's why.

But is it all worth it?