Logical Musings of an Illogical Mind

Generalist vs Specialist

2011-09-20T00:07:00.003+08:00

I thought that it was time to think a while and a bit.

I was hauled into my boss' office today and got told off about non-performance in a certain aspect of my job. Seriously, this is not a new issue. She's been absolutely graceful about this, as I have not been performing right from the start. I guess her patience is wearing thin.

The problem is, every time we have a chat on this issue, my direction in life gets questioned. That's the problem of having such a nice boss; she practically tries to solve your problem for you. The only problem is, I am not sure whether I want to solve this problem her way.

I'm in a dilemma, you see. Part of me wants to do well at my job because it's part of my duty, but part of me is saying that I don't want to be doing this for life; so why stay there for so long?

It's a confusing state of mind. You could say that it is an anti-thesis of most of the management theories out there; that I kind of enjoy what I am doing, but at the same time, I am not enjoying some of the things that I am asked to do. It's like, I like half of the job, but the other half, I struggle to get to grips with.

I think my problem is that I am a generalist, living in a specialist world. My job specifies that I become a specialist, but my core nature dictates otherwise. I can improve tremendously in almost anything that I put my heart into, but it's just not in my nature to do it for a long time.

I am in a sense, still looking for my life's calling; and after today's chat with my boss, I am beginning to wonder if I would ever have a 'life calling' per se. I keep on having this feeling that my life revolves around jobs that doesn't last me a lifetime. Maybe I am Gen-Y more than I thought I was. Maybe I am in such a dilemma because I am part Gen-X and part Gen-Y.

After about 3 years at this job, I feel that I've seen most of what's in store, and I am fairly sure that I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. However, that being said, I am lost in a sense that I do not have another direction in which I can head to.

The thing is, I have so much that I can do, that I end up not knowing what I should do. I mean, I don't mind doing this job for another 2 years, maybe even more, but ultimately, deep down, I know that this is not my final destination.

The issue with this post is that I don't think I will ever have any 'final destination' in my pursuit of career advancement.

A jack of all trades has its own spectrum of problems. Maybe I'm just a flexible peg that can be hammered into multiple shaped holes.

Is there any career in 'multi-purposing'?

I think I only write when I'm depressed...

2011-07-31T22:25:00.003+08:00

Truth be told, the last post that you saw was a preview to my mood for the days after my posting.

I'm beginning to feel that I am only able to write when I am depressed; thus, the pen-name 'SaDdNesZ'.

And you've probably guessed right by now. I'm not feeling in the most buoyant of moods right now. Work has been over-whelming to say the least, my son's just fallen sick and I'm taking these few minutes of alone time just to gather my thoughts.

Recently, I've been doing a bit of thinking; stealing time to myself in between house chores to sit down and assess my own life. I've been perplexed and yet at the same time finding some direction in my own life.

I guess my life is just a big fat oxymoron; an idiosyncrasy unique to me. I constantly find that my thinking is on a different level from that of my peers; sometimes I wonder if only my wife understands me fully. I also find that I keep proving people wrong, in that I am turning out to be what people said that I am not; I also have the ability do the things that are directly related to my job well, but things that are not related to my job, I excel!

So I find that I have to re-set my mind set every now-and-then. Two years ago, when I was 6 months into my new job, I thought I would be a fairly good teacher. I know I could probably teach. Then, during my performance review, my boss said to me that perhaps, I am better suited to do other things. The idea was that I could teach, but it is not my calling. Then, now apparently, I am showing to be more of a teacher than I was supposed to.

That's the curse of being a generalist. I can adapt to so many things but yet I am confronted with choices that are made more difficult by the fact that I can probably do everything relatively well! I guess the only constant for me is change!

However, with that being said, I don't want to change. I crave for the routine. I want stability. But I learn things a bit too fast to keep myself from getting bored. I am beginning to think that perhaps I am not a finisher. I am probably a pioneer that does not know how to end things properly. I can sure start anything I like, but I have not seen an ending to any of my projects and at the same time, I crave to see the end.

That's the entire issue with me. There's so many things that I can do, and yet, there are so many things that I don't want to do.

I guess that when I'm depressed, I am also usually confused. I am still probably an existentialist by nature but I am living for the now and also the future.

My mind says both 'yes' and 'no' at the same time. Yes, even when I am contemplating to click on the 'PUBLISH POST' button.

I'm writing again!

2011-03-29T21:45:00.002+08:00

I wrote this down as I was sitting down in class with nothing to do...

One Call.

She was walking home in the rain when the call came. It had been a long and arduous day for her. Nothing seemed to be working for her today. She got shouted at during her departmental meeting, she dropped her favourite coffee mug before she took her first sip, her suppliers delayed her shipment causing a slowdown in production, and now this news.

With long and fatigued footsteps she cursed her luck. She cursed the ground that she walked on and she even cursed the small stone that almost tripped her into the puddle.

She was downcast and had no intention of going home. Is she did, she would be going home to nothingness. There's nothing for her to go back home to. Not after this phone call. Every day, she would rush home from work to see her two favourite things in the world. Now both are gone. Little Roger choked on a stink beetle about two weeks ago; Little Roger was probably the only thing that kept them together. Maybe her fate today was linked to Little Roger's demise. Maybe it began going downhill since then.

She was searching for answers in her heart but her mind told her of this futile attempt to rationalise. What has been done, has been done. Words said cannot be undone. Feelings hurt will only recover through time, with the scars telling and reminding you of the time when.

He was gone.

Who wants to be a hero?

2011-03-15T16:27:00.003+08:00

I was just thinking of all the things that I was doing and it just dawned on me - Who wants to be a hero?

My son is sleeping peacefully next to me while I am trying to finish some work that should've been done ages ago. I was taking a break and I thought of other things just to give my mind a rest. My thoughts led me to the fact that there's a nuclear disaster waiting to happen in the Tsunami stricken Island of Japan.

The tsunami came, saw and destroyed much of the city and caused a shut down on one of its nuclear power plants. There was supposedly a leak and the leak was caused by an explosion in the reactor. Apparently, this explosion occurred because the nuclear scientists tried to vent out some radioactive gasses into the air to keep the entire reactor from blowing up. So I thought, someone must've been really brave to go and open a vent at the top of a nuclear reactor, knowing that anything that comes out will be radioactive and the thing cold blow up at any given time.

What would've gone through his mind when his boss told him that he was selected for this dangerous mission? "Boss, take care of my wife and kids. Tell them I love them." That's what I would say. Then my mind rationalised that his boss might just give them a one off cheque for their loss, have the town declare him a hero, and forget about this man until someone talks about this disaster 50 years later.

His wife and kids - They will only know that their husband and father died a heroic death, died for the nation, died protecting them.

Will you be this man? No. Of course not. Who in their right mind would want to be in this position?

So who wants to be a hero? Not me.

I was brought back to examine my own life. For all the things that I have done, for all the things that I am still doing, for all the things that requires my attention. And I think to myself, it's mighty lonely being a hero. Don't even talk about being a hero, just talk about being a voluntary leader. Someone who just gives and gives and gives, and receives nothing for the sacrifices that he has poured out.

That's why, modern day heroes are loners, people who cannot have a family life. If you want to have a family, then you can't be a hero. That's because no one will take care of your family for you. If we were in a world 50 years back, I believe that our bosses would indeed take care of our family, literally, if we were killed in action, serving the company, but today, loyalty and heroism is worth nothing. The boss would just give you some money, and off with you. Never come back to haunt me again, I have done my part to compensate you for your loss, I have no other responsibilities whatsoever towards you. What you do with that money is your prerogative, I have paid my dues to you and your family. Sorry for your loss.

So who wants to be a hero?

Eureka??

2010-04-15T01:14:00.002+08:00

Let's just say that I have just had a Eureka Moment.

After a heated discussion with a colleague about what and how work should be, I suddenly found out what my life meant and what direction should I take to fulfil my calling in life.

Like all Eureka Moments, life suddenly made sense and everything that has been happening all came together to tell its story. It's just like all of a sudden, your mind opens up and all the struggles and problems in life made absolute sense. It is as if you knew exactly why the things that happened happened.

I guess after about 15 years after I was given this prophecy, I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The story goes like this; There was once a lady prophet who came from Korea that would go around churches ministering to people, telling them what God has in store for them. Maybe a word of encouragement, or a direction that perhaps God wanted the person to head towards.

I was about 15 years old back then, could be younger. So she came a-visit at my hometown church. As eager and as curious as a family could be about knowing what God has to say to us, we went to be ministered to.

The Korean prophetess gave me a prophecy, which I have doubted its accuracy and appropriateness for the past 10 years or so, was that I would be an entrepreneur, setting up an enterprise that God would use for the advancement of His kingdom.

And for the past 10 years, after I finished my Form 5, I have only thought about working, looking for work and surviving without the help of my parents. I would say that I have studied in all that a person should study, worked in small enterprises and ran the rat race.

Somehow I knew, God was steering me towards something, but I still had my reservations about the prophecy.

In a very strange way, God provided an opening at the most un-thought of place that I would go to, gave my wife the conviction to apply for this job, gave me the thought of applying to the same organisation and now, He has led me to a place whereby this prophecy could come true.

Of course I know that it's God who gave me all the necessary education and experience for Him to use me in a later date, but I have never knew what, where and when God would wnat me to do something for Him.

Like now, I am working at a place whereby He is teaching me something about what I need to do later. He has connected me to some of the most important people that I can possibly get to know with due relevance to the prophecy and it was only tonight I figured it out.

Now, I only wonder if it is really what God wants. Cause as I am typing this entry out, my mind is working and churning out ideas as to how and why and what to name the enterprise. I find it difficult to sleep when my mind kicks into gear and therefore, I am blogging at this hour of night.

I shall let you know as and when I have more thoughts. But as for now, I need to document some of the ideas down so that I won't forget.

Eureka!

The irony...

2010-04-10T00:20:00.002+08:00

According to my Australian friend, his brother was once faced with a book that you could write your blog in.

Remember what this book is called?

No... not a 'physical blog'...

Not a book-log either...

Apparently, its old name used to be called 'Diary'.

For those who are smiling, I know you're old...

The end of blogging?

2009-10-24T00:50:00.002+08:00

Yeah... that's how I see it... At least, the end is nigh for the casual bloggers who used to update their blogs as a form of diary writing, as a form of updating their friends about the things in their lives.

However, a quick sweep through my old networks have found that most of my friends are not blogging regularly anymore. Those same friends can now be found actively involved in FB, whereby they are posting stuff that's about a twitter long.

The thing is, people are slowly using shorter and shorter forms of communication.

The need for speed, as it were, is so intense in our lives that we want to keep in touch with our friends, but we have so little time to write out a long and detailed article.

The days of keeping in touch via a letter seemed so long ago that a 15 year old might not even know what an actual letter looks like. For all you know, when we teach 'letter writing' in English class might seem like redundant in 5 years' time. Heck, even now, my students don't seem to have grasp the entire concept of what a letter feels like.

Not so long ago, perhaps about 20 years ago, people literally kept in touch via letters. My mom, when she got married, wrote a letter back home to tell her mom about this wonderful man that she's met and when they are getting married. That was in 1979, exactly 30 years ago.

Then came the phone call. Back then, we had to literally dial the phone. The phone had a dial whereby you slot in your fingers to the number and you turn the dial around until it hit a point and you let go. Kids, I know that you can't even envisage this in your mind. That was the time of the analog phone.

The digital dial came in when I was about 10 years old, which makes that about 1990. Then, in and about 1995, we were introduced to the 'mobile' phone. The mobiles were so huge at that time that you only brought it around if you were driving! It's hard for the kids today to envisage also a mobile phone that couldn't fit into your pocket. Well yeah, back in those days, mobile phones were bigger than your 15" laptops.

Then, the mobile phones got smaller. I still remember the days whereby the 'text message' was still like the new thing in town. It used to cost RM0.50 per message. And a meal used to cost RM3.00. That's like 6 messages and you've lost your chicken rice for lunch.

And now, about 30 years on, we are so wired that we have seemed to forget how things were about 30 years ago.

Now my mom gets to hear her grandson via the mobile phone. I did not write my mom a letter when I told her about my wedding, and I sure's did not send her a RM0.50 text message.

And then, we come to the point whereby mobile phones are the defunct devices of the future. Today, there's no such thing as just sending a text message.

My parents-in-law keep up with the developments of their grandson via FB. Every month, or whenever we have nice photos, we would load it up into FB and we'd give them a msg asking them to check out the photos.

Soon, everyone will be writing shorter and shorter texts, communicating faster and faster. And this is going to change the usage of language. Sometimes, I feel that teaching English according to the old school methods is so oxymoron. On one hand, we are asking the kids to advance, and at the same gesture, we are restricting their advancement by asking them to keep on looking back.

Let me ask you. After being brought up on push button on your phone, will you even want to go back to dialing your phone the analog way?

Oh... you don't even know what I'm talking about...

If I didn't sign in today...

2009-10-08T12:24:00.005+08:00

this blog may cease to exist!

That's how long I've been out. I almost forgot my own password!

That shows you how busy I've been in the past few months. Well, it's not actually THAT busy, but there's always something at the back of my mind that I can't sit down and bother about writing something in my blog.

Maybe this is all it's about working in an executive level for a big firm. Yes, my school's just started and it's a rather small staff team, but we're like a new subsidiary of a larger group. We have to report to our immediate boss, which is the Chairman of the Board of Directors, which is also the Rector of one of the largest churches in Sabah. Then we also have to take orders and requests from the our boss' boss. This is how pre-occupied it is working in a 'small school' like ours.

Well, it's been about 3 months since we started off in mid-June. We were requried to hit the ground running, so we ran. And some of us are feeling the strain. We've been working through public holidays, we've been asked to come back during the school holidays, and it seems that the work has no end.

I guess only after so long that I have had the time to sit down and think about something which is not work-related.

So now, what's changed?

-- posting disturbed by demands of work --

- continued the day after -

So, yeah.. what's changed is this...

We're finally settling down. We are starting to think like 'orang Tawau' if you know what I mean. I seriously need to get out of this town for 2 weeks to give myself my life back. Else, I will start driving 40km/h on the fast lane.

Joshua's been a good kid to take care of. He's happy. We try to spend as much time as possible with him. At nights, he'll spend most of his time on our bed whilst we play with him. He seems to have developed a liking for his mom when he's sleepy, but when he wants to play, he'll look for me. He's growing bit by bit and on the run of his 4th month, he was able to turn over by himself. He's on his way to crawling. He just needs to build up his arms and leg muscles.

We've started to buy rattles for him and he seems to enjoy them. His hands are grabbing things all the time and he seems to find comfort in blankets and towels.

Now, looking back at his old photos, it's like he's changed so much. He's grown up so much and we hope that soon enough, he'll be able to learn things fast enough too.

On our side, the family's doing ok. We just sold off our apartment in Sunway and thus, relieving our financial pressures a bit. However, much still needs to be done until the final handing over, which we feel would be some time in December. By then, I'd have to go to KL for a couple of days to get everything settled I guess.

As for now, we are settling our debts one-by-one and hopefully, by the end of this month, we'd be debt-free. Well, asset-free as well.

-- duty calls again --

-- The writings above have been sitting there in my draft's folder for... like... a few days... --

And so I've come back to finish this article. It's been so long since I've had the time and opportunity to sit down and think. I guess with a baby around the house, that's what happens. The kid demands and demands your attention. And when he's not demanding attention, he'd be demanding that he be fed.

So most of my nights have been used up by him. My wife and I, we juggle our nights with him. Lucky for us, we were able to fit everything we need into this huge master bedroom that we have, so we don't need to go into another room just to do something. So, effectively, we are living in our bedroom, and the other parts of the house are just there... for storage... The only time that we need to do stuff outside of our bedroom would be when we need to cook, or do the laundry.

So, I've been thinking... Maybe teaching isn't my first calling in life. Maybe I'm called to do something else. I've just figured out that my primary passion in life is to see life changed. Not to impart knowledge based on a syllabus, but to change the way young kids think and act. It's a shame that I've figured out why this nation lacks in mental capability.

Our society doesn't seem to be able to move up the cultural ladder simply because of a few things. The first is history, the rejection of it, and the lack of it.

People say that our nation is just about 50-years young. But how is it that we cannot compete with our neighbour, who is actually 5 years younger than us?

I feel that this is our mentality. The majority of our people have been 'programmed' to reject western philosophy.

Now, I hope that this will not get me into trouble, but let me speak openly here.

History dictates that the Christians and the Moslems have been at war since the Crusades of a few hundred years ago. The feud seems to be still there.

We can see a rather active rejection of Western philosophy in our country simply because Western philosophy is very much influenced by Christianity. I've met the son of an ex-Communist (Chinese) from Johor whose father still thinks that Christianity is a gimmick from the Western world to control our society. Therefore, he rejects it totally. Needless to say, the Moslems will not even bear to think about Western (Christian) Philosophy in any good light.

Then, the majority of this nation also rejects the bulk of Chinese philosophy because of a certain May 1969 incident. The subliminal message that the nation is getting is that the Chinese are blood suckers and their only goal in life is to gather economic wealth from all around them. And most of the nation's policies are still geared towards 'Economic Balance' and 'Poverty Reduction'. These two ideas have not just put Chinese culture in bad light, it has also caused a subliminal rejection of all things Chinese.

Then, the only culture that we, as a nation can look up to, will be the culture that's on offer in this Archipelago. And as and when we look at our neighbour, we see a culture that is so diluted and so open that our conservatism rejects them.

So this leaves us with???

NOTHING!!!

Well, we do have the Middle-East to look toward, but then, have you heard of any world changing philosophy from those parts? They have been warring since the dawn of time and it seems that there won't be peace in those parts of the earth any time soon. So, how can you have learning and philosophical debates when the nations are at war all the time?

That is why, in my twisted opinion, that our nation cannot, and will not improve in terms of mental capability. If we continue to reject the two major philosophies in this world, then, how can our thinking improve?

So, yeah... the challenge for today is to think more...

If I have the time...

Fatherhood

2009-07-21T11:37:00.003+08:00

I guess the change from being a free man to being a father is a sobering and deeply profound step.

Only when one becomes a father that you start to realise how deep is the Father's love for His child. I guess as someone who hasn't been a father before, it is indeed incomprehendable. This kind of love surpasses the love of a man for a woman. It surpasses the love for your parents, and it surpasses the love for anything else.

I find myself being inconvenient to so many things nowadays; I am getting less and less sleep. On a happy day, he'll sleep through most of the night without much coaxing nor attention. on a bad night, you'd be spending most of your time trying to coax him to sleep. And the thing is, you will still find it in your heart to love him.

A few months ago, I'd not even thought about this. I didn't have to. I used to go anywhere I like, whenever I like, however I like. Now, even stpeeing out the main door seems a challenge. The constant question will be: Will he be ok?

The impactful thing is that every time he makes a sound, everytime he doesn't sleep, everytime he makes a fuss, I will still draw near to him and hold him and give him the reassurance that he needs. He doesn't know it, nor will he remember it because his brain is still not fully developed. But That's what makes being a father so profound.

When you tie this to the love of God, you will indeed get a sense that He is so much more then just the God who saves.

He is the God who cares, loves, and gives unconditionally.

Blogging?

2009-07-14T11:48:00.002+08:00

It seems that blogging will slowly become the thing of the past, especially with the emergence of facebook and twitter.

I have found that the more active I become on facebook, the less people need to visit this blog of mine.

Afterall, these 2 sites head toward the same direction; getting in touch with friends. A couple of years ago, a blog was one of the best ways to keep in touch, to keep your friends updated on the things that happen to you. But now, it seems that blogs are slowly becoming a thing of the past.

What is happening on facebook, which friendster failed to do, is that we are successfully adding emotion into our wall posts. This includes things like 'like' and 'comment' about anything that a person does on FB. Whereas in a blog, you'd need to be actively searching for what the writer is trying to say.

If this continues, sooner of later, we'd be all abandoning the keyboard for emoticon-boards. Words would be pre-typed and all you'd need to do is click the word and it'll be published.

Welcome to the world of pre-sets. If you look closely, you'd have seen the trend that the world is slowly going into a trend that is 'pre-set' yet customisable. Instead of thinking of a sarcastic remark to make about someone's post on FB, I can now conveniently click 'like'. And slowly, there would be buttons such as 'dislike', 'lolz', :), etc.

And slowly, the human brain will only process things such as this. Call it what you like; systematic improvement, technologically advanced, bringing life into cyber-space... I call it, the dumbification of the human mind.

If this trend continues, our brain will be trained to function as such. We will become from thinkers to button pushers. I do not need to tell you why I like a certain post, I just conveniently click 'like'. I do not need to say anything anymore, since I have already told the entire world that I 'like' the post. Everyone does it, and so I too must also do it.

And if everything is just like that, then no wonder the children's vocabulary is getting less and less expanse. Children nowadays read 'pre-set' words from the internet. Long gone are the days of the books where you are bound to learn a new word every day. Now, all you need to survive in the internet era is 'like' and that word says it all.

'like'

Busy, Adapting, Tired, Struggling...

2009-07-07T15:58:00.002+08:00

Nuff said.

Hahaha...

Nah, I won't be that mean. But in terms of a brief summary of my life now, that's a pretty concise but accurate few words.

I'm rather busy at the office nowadays and mostly it's because we are still adapting to life as a new school, a new office, and a new administration. Equipment is still coming in, there's so many rooms that we need to prep-up for daily use, the students have to be taught, lessons need to be planned, and we are running a full-day school which means that whatever work we have to do besides teaching has to be done outside teaching hours, which means, at home.

I guess no one foresaw this issue creeping up from under our noses. I mean, it is normal for the Principal to ask for your paperwork on your lesson plans and all that if you're doing a half-day school session, but when the same demands are asked of you whilst in a full-day session school, it's a bit different. I mean, you have your teaching periods, and in between, you have your ad-hoc jobs. Then in the afternoon, you have your afternoon lessons, and when you really get home, you're a good as toast.

I'm feeling the crunch nowadays especially when baby doesn't want to cooperate with us on his sleeping time. He's been waking us up once an hour every night for the past week or so, and it was only until last night, when we didn't let him sleep through dinner time, that he was so knocked-out during the midnight hours.

Well, I guess life's like that until we get used to everything; the work, the baby, the new life...

3 weeks plus

2009-06-20T08:23:00.002+08:00

This is the first time that we coaxed him into the basket. He's been acting really mature beyond his days apparently. The confinement lady noted that she hasn't seen any baby like him before. He's very sensitive towards his environment and well-being. Unlike kids his age, which is only about 3 weeks now, he knows when his pampers are full, he wants a nappy change every time he passes urine, he knows how to demand his rights to clean sheets and comforts.

Apparently, kids 2 months old don't even start doing that. It seems that he has a brain that's more developed than it should, which is a good thing. However, with a kid so demanding, it's gonna be tough for us as we struggle with his demands.

I guess when you name your son, you really get what you asked for.

And now for alittle bit about myself;

It's been an exciting week so far and all our energy levels are dropping as we get used to the demands of teaching a full-day school. There's never a dull moment and deadlines keep coming at you like nobody's business. There's so much to do, so many lessons to prepare for and the students welfare must be taken care of. There's so many demands on each one of us that even the Principal is stressed out.

The only solace that we get would be that we are indeed making an impact in the lives of these few students that we have, changing them for the better and giving them some direction in life.

So do pray for us whenever you remember us.

2009-06-08T09:30:00.002+08:00

So yeah, if you still haven't gotten the news, "HE'S OUT!!!"

If you asked me about what fatherhood is like, it's still early days yet.

He's been a rather good kid thus far, and he's got an attitude. Even from the start, he has his likes and dislikes. He smiles well and I think should be a rather happy kid.

What my wife and I were really worried about was that our kid would come out unhappy. I've seen some really unhappy kids out there and we sure hope that this kid won't be one of them.

But now, the journey begins.

He came out looking very much like his mom and day by day, he is still changing his looks. But from what we see, his distinct eyes and mouth will make him looking closer to his mom. But we are hoping for a good mix of the best we have. He has a longish body and his fingers and toes are all long and thin. If he does grow up to be a tall lad, and looking like his mom, he's gonna look exactly like his uncle, mom's brother.

He's eating well, sleeping well and he's got some fight in him. Even from the first day, he's shown that he's a toughie. Even before he turned a week old, he's been turning his head to the left and right. It won't be long before he'll be turning himself over in his sleep.

As for the experience of being a new parent, it's a culture shock altogether. I've never envisaged that there's so many extra things to do. Just because his systems are weak, I have to boil everything that touches his mouth. I have never spent so much time waiting for water to boil ever in my life!

There so much washing, there's so much cleaning up, there's just so many things to do!

Well, will update later when there's more things to tell. As for now, both mom and I and little Joshua are doing fine.

Renewal?

2009-05-23T10:31:00.002+08:00

At last, now that things have somewhat slowed down a bit, I get a little breathing space. Settling down while on the job takes quite a toll on the human psyche. It doesn't help when you are transfered with a price tag on your head that says 'for X amount, you will get not just one, but two functions!'

I've felt like that since arriving here and getting myself involved in a tad too much of ministry related roles. I mean, if I am alone, I wouldn't feel it that much, but now, with the baby's arrival imminent, I find that I am rather alone with my wife on a lot of things. What most people in this town fail to realise sometimes is that we are here alone, without relatives or even close friends. And we're staying so far away from anything. If I get sick, it's 10 miles down to the nearest clinic. If my car breaks down, it's 6 miles down to the nearest workshop. If my car runs out of petrol, it's 5 miles down to the nearest station. If I need electricals, it's 10 miles. Banks? 10 miles.

If I need anything at all, I'm all alone up here. Even trying to service my car becomes a challenge because I work when the workshops are open, and I get off work as they do. Even doing my banking is a challenge because some of my loans are held in banks where the cash deposit machine earns a monthly salary or the real machine is located inside the bank whereby we have to do our banking during office hours.

The locals, I feel, will not experience this kind of situation and most of these things are just beyond them. Most of the people I know have someone to help them out with their chores like maintaining the car, like mowing the lawn, like buying groceries, like paying the bills. They have gotten so used to being a closely knit society that they have forgotten that some people do come in individually, with their individual baggage and responsibilities. Therefore, they will only know how to demand from you a level of performance that is so common here.

I have been trying to observe people here and base their situation as a regulator for my own experience. And the only conclusion that I am forming is that most of the people who are so effective at work and in ministry are mostly helped out by their family members here and there. At least they have someone to fall back on.

My situation here is that I am 10 miles away from any close friends that I have made, there's not much to choose from in terms of amenities, and the demands of work and demands on ministry is still as high as they can be. There's the time factor, there's the proximity factor, there's the convenience factor working against me.

And people tend to forget that.

But don't let this get you down. I'm just ranting because I have nothing else better to do on a saturday morning at the office.

The Small Office Mouse...

2009-05-21T11:27:00.002+08:00

Yes. We're on the brink of an infestation.

There's a resident field mouse inside the office. I've seen its shadow for 2 times and yesterday, we actually had it in our rubbish bin. This morning, it was scampering around on our office floor. So yeah, we're a school surrounded by nature.

I'm actually rather happy to have the tiny field mouse around the office. It's a sign that there's still a God. I feel that kids nowadays are growing up in such sterile environments that they simply do not experience life.

Being a father in the VERY near future, I can't stop but help thinking about the life that my child will have while he's growing up. I see that some of the kids around me have grown up in such sterile environments that they wouldn't have touched raw chicken before because that might contain germs.

I am also rather appalled at the lack of knowledge on most things connected to life. Kids nowadays don't see real chickens, they only see processed meat; and that simply causes them to develop an unfamiliar fear of chickens. This, coupled with some strange ideas that they will get off the junk that comes out of cartoon network serves to create an unhealthy world-view for the kids of today.

Sooner or later, we will see a generation of children who do not even go out of their automated homes for fear of catching air-borne bacteria. What we see on tv is actually subliminally bringing us towards that kind of life.

The last time I checked, the body needs to be exposed to germs in order to develop antibodies. And why are we preventing our children to 'cultivate' the said antibodies by keeping them in a sterile environment?

Seriously, what are we doing to our kids? Giving them a better life? Or keeping them safe so that more and more 'technologically' advanced products can protect them from ALL harm?

What do we see on tv these days is actually scaring the crap out of me. Bateria-free aircons, bac-free fridges, bac-free handwash, bac-free this, bac-free that. Sooner than you know, we'll be living in a bac-free house and before you know it, our bodies might forget how to produce antibodies.

So, would you still want to live in a bac-free, sterile environment?

New Office

2009-05-18T09:22:00.002+08:00

Yeah, we're settling in the new office as of 2 weeks ago. Things are pretty much still new and disorganised, but that's the thrill of setting up a new thing. Everything is new, but yet, untried.

As for life as a whole, we had our house warming last Monday and I have to say that it was minimalistic. Amidst the chaos, we still had quite a good time together. Thank God for the sudden help that we got from a few parties in terms of providing with the hardware. We had about 30 people crammed up in our living room, and these 30 people brought with them about 10 children.

So yeah. Now the house can truly be called home. Heh. Although the water tank is still not fixed, and the cement rocks at the back are still there, I'd say we have settled in nicely.

The baby is coming anytime soon now, and I am feeling edgier as I can't leave my wife alone at home. The proximity of my house to the hospital is rather far, and if I go anywhere leaving my wife at home, I'm risking a 20 minute car ride from whereever I am to get myself back home, and it'll take another 30 minutes or so to get to the hospital. My worry is that my baby might be born inside my car. Heh.

Well, there's work to be done. Cirio.

Opened...

2009-05-02T23:19:00.003+08:00

Announcing the launching of the Vision School Tawau...

Yeah, works really gets tough now. I'm actually sorry for not being able to update the blog and of course, whenever I do update, I'll give you a low-down of life in Tawau for a guy who's been in the Big City for the past 10 years or so.

And oh, I guess it's about time I address the anonymous comment from my previous post - what's your problem man? Can't a guy even express himself in his own blog? Don't visit my blog if you can't take what I'm writing... sheesh... It's not like I write for you and you alone man...

Now back to blogging.

The baby is imminent as we speak. He's already grown to a size 2 weeks faster than his actual projected size. According to the doctor, if he continuesto grow at this rate, he's gonna be a 9 pound baby when he comes out in about 4 weeks time. So, it's diet for mommy.

As for me, I'm just happy that I can finally settle down. I've gotten my bank statement addresses changed. And most of the time, that means that I have actually settled down.

So, yeah. I guess I'm going no-where from now onwards.

As for the house, we've gotten our air-con, tv, kitchen and most of the entire house is done up. The only niggly part is still the water tank behind the house.

Baby's room is now all done up. Bought a bed for visitors. Gotten myself celcom broadband - which works best in town, not at home...

That's all from me I guess.

Moving on

2009-04-13T09:26:00.002+08:00

Tings have now been more in motion than before. Suddenly, we have come from nothing-to-do-ness to a lot of things to do with not enough time to do it.

The house is still in quite a bit of a mess, but we've fixed the kitchen sink, and now the only problem is the rubbish and what's left of the construction materials at the house. The renovation contractor left us with pieces of cement and no where to dump them. I am still cracking my head on how to remove them. Besides that, it's habitable.

My parents-in-law will come avisit this weekend, and we're trying to get the house ready for them as much as we can. Well, we'll have to make do. Heh.

The school logo has been done up and confirmed. Now it's just a matter of details and whether this wretched town holds a printer good enough to print it out for us. If the printers here can't do it, we'll have to fly someone over to KK to get a proper printer to do our logos/school badges/letterheads and stuff.

And with that in the pipeline, things can happen very VERY fast.

So, without wasting any more time, I've got work to do.

Degeneration???

2009-04-09T10:30:00.003+08:00

It's as if I'm degenerating as we speak.

I am so disconnected from the ever-progressing world in this small town that I think I'm starting to live like a hermit. Not out of choice, but 'hermitted-in' by the infrastructure around me. Taking time out to blog is a chore, and since I can't get a stable internet access most of the time, I get frustrated from even logging on to the internet.

Besides, in this 'end-of-the-road' kind of town, we only get information the latest. Most of what happens out there in the world today are so distant from this place. I wonder how wi-max is catching up. I wonder what's next after blue-ray discs. I wonder when we can have real broadband in the place where I stay. I wonder if iphone will make it here. I wonder if multi-media equipment has advanced in what ways. I wonder what will happen when astro turns HD. I wonder if flat-headed shoes are still in fashion. I wonder if my clothes are archaic. I wonder if kids nowadays still use what I am using. I wonder about whether I wonder about the right things cause I seem to have been disconnected from the cutting-edge.

In life, it is seriously important to maintain a cutting edge. I mean I'm enjoying the slowness of life and the slowness of everything here, but I am feeling blunt. I feel that I am 'blunting' as we speak. Soonere or later, some new wave of thinking, of doing things, of living may just overtake me without me noticing what's happened.

I have found that I keep asking myself, "What's new?" only to find a brick wall in front of me.

Maybe that's the price you have to pay to be in such a town.

I'm sorry...

2009-04-01T11:17:00.002+08:00

I truly am sorry for not being able to update for the past few weeks. This has probably been the longest I've gone without updating.

Well, in these few weeks, I've been trying to move house, I've been trying to get things done for both work and also the BB. I was also in KK for NCO Training for an entire week, which would have contributed to this 'leave' from the cyber world.

We have just moved into the double-storey terrace in BSI as of last Sunday. It's still sixes and sevens of a house and we are taking it slowly. Finances are down because I had to pay up for my car, which got a total make-over because of the accident last Raya. That was all of our savings in one go. Now we find ourselves in a precarious situation whereby we have no more savings and no more extra cash in hand until the insurance claims come back. That I pray, will not be long. Things are, that it normally takes about 6 months to process, but I don't think we have that much of time before we need to use the money.

Then at the same time, we had to move into this rented house. Deposits are taking a chunk out of whatever else we have, and the buying of this and that for the house is also straining our monthly finances. Thankfully, we have been given quite a lot of furniture as a start-up, but in order to make the house ready for the baby, and make it comfortable enough for the relatives who'd come and visit, we'd seriously need the insurance money to come in within 2 months.

As of now, we are exploring all types of alternative resources, and no, we won't go to the Ah Longs... So all I beg for you to do, my dear readers, is to pray for us. Heh.

We hope to have a house blessing and warming by the middle of this month and we hope to have settled all the nitty-gritty problems at the house by then. As of now, we need to install an air-con in the master-bedroom; somehow, the hot air stays trapped inside the room and although it's cooling outside, the cool air doesn't seem to want to come in. We have resorted to putting a stand fan at the window to pull in the cool air. My wife couldn't sleep for the past 2 nights and I think we'll NEED to get an air-con asap.

Then someone is giving us a TV for the living room, so that's a blessing. My aunt somehow had an extra water heater lying around somewhere and she's given us that, I brought it all the way back from KK a couple of weeks ago. Then the kitchen is also furnished by gifts from people.

So I guess we have been given all the essentials, and all we need to buy now are the luxuries.

On that account, I must thank God for His kindness. And at the same time, I pray for deliverance from this financial problem that we are facing.

My car, as reported, is back with me now, and it seems that I will be stuck with the thing until it dies or I die. I can't refinance it, nor can I sell it off without incurring a huge loss. At first, we were thinking of getting rid of my car and buying my aunt's car, which we have been using since my car got damaged, but that seems to be out of the question now. I guess we'll have to stick with this car through these thin times. With that being said as well, my car isn't restored to it original condition and there's quite a fair bit of little niggles that are distrubing me. The signal lights go bezerk every now-and-then, the air-con isn't working (it's time to change the parts after 4 years), and I need to wash it inside out.

So I guess that'll be all from me for now.

The baby is getting bigger, and he's having less space in the womb. His kicks are getting stronger as well and it's interesting anticipating the baby. Sometimes, I do feel that in this sense, one needs to really go through fatherhood to understand the full extend of it.

My wife is feeling the strain more and more as the burden gets heavier.

Godspeed.

In-justice

2009-03-10T02:30:00.002+08:00

I know I haven't brought any justice to my blog nor my readers. It's just that things happen ever so slowly for me in this slow town.

So here's some updates that are notable.

Firstly, I got my car back, which has been since Last Raya, been condemned to the workshops. It's not as nice a drive as before and probably, I'll need to fix a lot of things soon after. The final damage count, I changed both my right hand side doors, a rear axle, 1 rim + tyre, my whole right suspension, my fuel tank (it was damaged by the collision), both my bumpers, and all my 4 lights. There's still quite a fair bit of fine tuning before I can rely on it for long distance travel and the engine being dormant for the past 5 months, needs to be broken in slowly. And the worst thing about it now is that I have to fork out more than I have in my accounts to redeem my car from the workshop because I bought 3rd party insurance. So finances are a bit tight. Manageable, but tight.

We're also moving to the newly rented house in BSI within this week. I've actually gotten the green light to move in since last week, but after the first attempt, we rescheduled because the owner hasn't been able to deliver the house to us properly yet. The front doors aren't properly fixed up yet, and he still owes us some curtain railings and mozzie nettings. He's a nice guy and all, just that his workers failed to deliver. That means discounts on this month's rental. I don't say that I mind, cause I need the cash, remember?

I will be travelling to KK next week for an event by the Boys' Brigade. So, if you're in town and you have a car, CALL ME!! I'll be staying at Good Sam.

My baby's fine, I guess, and my wife is doing ok so far. It hasn't been the difficult pregnancy as most have scared us into believing, but it's not entirely without drama and complications. I guess we'll just have to believe in God's hand. Having this baby actually opened up my mind to a lot of things. That this little life inside my wife's tummy is so fragile and so precious that there's almost nothing you can or cannot do to it if anything happened. You'd just have to trust God. So many times I have to remind myself that this baby isn't mine, he is given by God and he is God's creation cause I can't even determine whether he will live or die; only God can.

Work has been slowing down, picking up and slowing down again as we hang in the balance of when to start the school. priorities keep changing as this week, we're chasing to start it as soon as possible, and then the next week, we're focusing on something else. I still owe the officer in the Private School Admin at the Dept of Education a visit, then I also have to finish my lesson plans, then there's suddenly this visitation, that issue, that problem, and there's BB.

BB has taken so much of my time that now I have to seriously think about letting go of certain things. I need space and time to think and to plan stuff. This monstrous task is getting the hold of me. I'm here at this ungodly hour partially because I'm thinking of things.

So many plans to write down, so many decisions to make, so many changes in life, and all are moving at a differnet pace. It seems that the things that I want settled as soon as possible can't be settled, and the things that I need more time on are approaching fast... Sigh...

So help me God.

Builds a wall...

2009-02-25T10:47:00.002+08:00

I've been going to this teachers' training programme that gathers all the rural schools in the area to improve on the teachers' teaching skills and to revolutionise the whole teaching process.

It's a good programme and it really is a welcomed change from what we were so used to when we were students.

The training is besides the point. What is bugging me now is that there's this teacher who joined us half way and is going about, rather disturbingly, carrying herself around as if she owns the place. I mean, if you'd look at it from the outside, you'd think that she's just bossy and shows a tad too much of initiative for everyone's liking, but deep down, after having sat beside her for the entire session, I can see that she's just a poor kid who had a low self esteem which grew up to be a rather big bully. She had somehow built a wall around her and installed a steam roller in front of the wall so that she would get what she needs however she needs it.

Amidst the tough attitude that she carries around with her, she also carries in her back pocket her old insufficiency traits; seeking for clarification on the smallest matter, especially if she knows the correct answer, fighting for the right to be correct even though it a petty little thing and the points don't matter, sets her targets on whoever is the best in class to probably trample on them so that she can step higher, makes a fuss although its a game of learning and everybody is supposed to win, bellowing out little petty things that the trainer has overlooked and the such...

Throughout the entire class she kept summarising the trainer's points into her education jargons like methodology, pedagogy, non-visual cues, and all that mumbo-jumbo perhaps to show me that she knows her stuff, afraid that I'd undermine her if she didn't show me how much she knows... Sitting beside someone like her only kept me from listening to every word the trainer said... Being a teacher herself, I wonder whather stand is on one of her pupils talking in class when the teacher is teaching... Her insufficiency creeping out...

Well, a lot of people don't like her for who she's turned out to be. There's a lot of wind outside about her and what she is capable of doing just so that she doesn't lose out; kiasu. And from what I see, she is doing nothing to suggest otherwise.

I on the other hand, am feeling a tad sad to see someone like her doing what she is doing. Maybe it's the compassion that God has put in me that's speaking, but I find it rather sad that she's built a wall around her to protect her hurting spirit and since no one can penetrate this wall, I don't think she'll ever be told how to get herself out of this.

I don't know what's sadder, that there is such a person or that I cannot do anything to help her...

Democracy?

2009-02-16T09:20:00.002+08:00

It's walking on the strange side of things when we take a closer look into the political scene of our country and you try to gauge it together with the politics of the rest of the world. Just a simple litmus test will do; Compare Democracy in Malaysia and Democracy in the USA.

We have had so much of consistency in government and leadership that the country has grown in leaps and bounds. And America has seemingly changed Presidents every 2 terms. At the rate it's going, one has to wonder what have we been doing with our country.

I must be mad to conclude it as such, but then, a blog is used to make outrageous conclusions anyway, so do excuse me if you find this uninteresting.

I believe that there is a solid system behind the American system of democracy. There is proper and sound societal welfare, although poverty is still an issue in America, just as it is here, but they have put in their system a working implementation of it. Whereas here, it seems otherwise. And I can only wonder why.

Our cries of reduction in poverty levels are such a far-cry that we sometimes fail to understand why we are fighting against poverty anyway. So we can find statistics that there are people who are living with less than enough money to survive by our standards. But have we failed to take into consideration that they have been surviving none-the-less? If I make less than enough money to buy my groceries, would I not plant my groceries in my backyard? So what is this notion of trying to help a big chunk of society that still plants their own vegetables in their own back yards? Who grow their own corn? Who rear their own poultry?

Why are we, as a nation, so engrossed in 'reducing' the poverty gap when we don't see people dying from hunger? Why are we trying to 'reduce' the gap between money made in the city and money made in the rural villages? The government hasn't even set up centers whereby the homeless can come and have their 3 meals a day for free. That means that the homeless could still pretty much gather food for themselves without any help from the Government.

So in actual fact, it's not that bad.

But the question remains. Why is our situation as such when we have experienced about 50 years of political stability with a steady transition of leadership from successor to successor and the implementation of a national ideal that dates back to more than 30 years ago and we're still fighting the same war?

Why then has America changed from Liberals to Democrats and back and forth and every time they change parties, the president changes as well. What do they have that we don't?

A properly implemented political system. Theirs is a system that anyone who becomes president will have to work in. Whereas ours, it seems that we are making the rules along the way. I guess it all goes back to the maturity of the nation. Although we can skip a step in terms of modernisation, but it seems that civics needs to be grown step-by-step. I wonder how long until we grow up.

Up, up and away??

2009-02-14T02:28:00.002+08:00

At last, there's a bit of publishable good news to pass around.

My car's in the paint room and I guess it won't be too far off from returning to me.

The school's been given the endorsement by the Minister, and the Dept's coming to give an inspection next week.

And I'm going to be speaking to about 300 youths tomorrow.. erm.. later today about love... I have my points written out, but I am not definately sure that I'll do as planned. It's a bit too informative for me to give a 10-point sermon on something as emotional as 'love'... So I'm still caught in two minds.

Well then, we'll see how it goes...

As for now... Happy Valentine's Day...

The best laid plans of mice and men...

2009-02-09T14:20:00.002+08:00

...are but plans that have no determined course of action.

The life of an average joe today might be quite well planned, it might not be. But with a better chance at education, I believe that everyone has learned to plan. It is therefore somewhat saddening to know that it is truly too huge a mental task to plan ahead. I have met kids who, when asked, have never put their minds into any planning at all. And then I realised that I didn't have that when I was their age too. So the question remains. Have kids actually grown smarter over the seasons?

They say that with the internet so adamant today, there's virtually nothing that a kid won't learn. But the thing is, what have they been learning if they don't seem any smarter than their predecessors?

So this makes us think; with all the technological advances that we are experiencing today, who is/was better off?

Updates...???

2009-02-06T14:23:00.002+08:00

Life's starting to 'feel' normal around here. Got a nice break during Chinese New Year, spent time at home, having relatives visiting us, visiting relatives and just taking a rest. It has been quite some time since we were able to sleep in. Life starts so much earlier in Sabah as compared to West M'sia. Birds start chirping at about 6am whereas 6am in KL is still very very dark.

Last time I used to purposedly wake up early in the morning just to listen to the birds, but now, I just don't give a rat's butt. Heh.

And it's exciting being and expectant father. The family's being diplomatic in knowing the news that it's a boy. I guess they just don't want to be seen as being heavily favouring boys. Well... Anyway, it's a boy and we're happy to know. So now we can definately start buying baby products that are blue in colour.

We still haven't moved to our 'permanent' house yet. We've struck the deal with the owner and will duly move in by the end of this month. The school hasn't started yet and it seems with the situation in Perak, it's going to get postponed some more because the minister would be busy with forming the new government there.

Well, I guess it's all old news since nothing's moving as fast as we would've liked. So we're just taking it one day at a time and trying to prepare for stuff. I am currently busy trying to plan for the lessons. It's a tough job planning because you won't know whether you're doing the correct thing and giving the students work that will suit their level until you've seen them. So... It's all in a mess now. Hopefully, after the board meeting today, most of the issues would've been sorted out.

Cheers...

It's a...

2009-01-20T21:59:00.000+08:00

BOY!!!!

It's a boy...

Work, work, work...

2009-01-20T14:55:00.003+08:00

I started working on this kid that came by for reasons whereby it's not good to disclose, but we took this guy in and we're trying our best to help him. And thus, my teaching career had just officially started about a few hours ago.

I guess you really find satisfaction when you can help someone improve in their pursuit of knowledge. Just that, not everyon willingly wants to be your student.

For the past few hours, all that was on my mind was, how to teach difficult students, especially if they're grouped into a whole classroom. One-to-one is easy. You can monitor every move he makes and correct his mistakes as he goes along. But what if an entire class of uninterested students were grouped together?

Well, that's one for the new year...

Meanwhile, eat while you can, sleep while you can, have fun while you can... The year of the ox seems to bring rather difficult times ahead.

Life's short. Play hard...

Don't say we didn't...

2009-01-16T16:53:00.002+08:00

I guess it's about time we let you guys in on our lives here in Tawau...

Since we're still in our half-way-house, we decided to leave everything in boxes. What we didn't expect was a couple of weeks turned into a couple of months, and a couple of months nearly took us to half a year. Yes, we've been her since September last year and we can only foresee a move in March. That's how long we're gonna stay in this half-way-house and live out of boxes.

For those who say I don't put up photos...

This is our only form of entertainment. It's what we surf the internet with, watch sappy HongKong series, play MS Hearts and MS Freecell.
That's our loot. What we've been using daily has been extracted and hung onto the cupboards. It's not that the apartment is not decent, it just the temporary-ness of it all that's bugging us.
And this is what I usually do when the wife is on the pc.

So, that's how we've been living, surviving for the past 3 months.

Happy New Year...

Better... I hope...

2009-01-12T20:28:00.003+08:00

We went to see another house, bigger, and definately better. The owner is a church member and he's agreed to do up the house for us. It's better designed than the previousone that we looked at, and if the owner delivers everything he promised, it'll be perfect for us to stay in.

It's near a park, so it's not cramped up in amidst of other houses, at least the air will be fresher. The owner will renovate the house a bit, making a proper kitchen top and expanding the back with a roof whilst sealing most of the ground with cement. We'll only have a little bit of earth to grow small herbs at the back, and that makes the place a lot more managable.

The rooms are just big enough, instead of the miserly rooms that we saw in the previous house, and the kitchen is rather huge. I can see that I'll be able to do up the house pretty nicely and hopefully, we won't need to move within the next 5 years or more.

Ultimately, we hope to buy a house around the area so that at least, we will own something at the end of our lives instead of helping other people pay their installments, we might as well pay our own installments. But then, of course, life isn't up to us to dictate. Maybe God has His better plans.

Now with Jr. coming out, we still don't know if it's a boy or a girl, we can't see ourselves committing to buying a second house as the one we have in Sunway needs quite a fair bit of managing financially.

The wife has been settling down better now, and seems that she's taking up cooking as her past-time. Tummy's fairly big right now and it's amazing to see baby grow inside. Hopefully we'll be able to see if it's a boy or a girl when we visit the doctor's for our monthly check-up.

As far as work is concerned, everything's slowing down in view that we won't be able to start the school anytime soon, and anything after March is not conducive as the students would have to take their mid-year exams in May. So, even if we get anything at all from the Govt, we'll probably start in the second half of the year.

Morale has dipped a fair bit since whatever we were rushing for now has passed and we're just settling down on doing the best we can to finish up whatever administration work that we need to prepare for a possible intake in June.

I guess we're stuck in between things right now, and hopefully we will be able to pick up again after Chinese New Year. Last year, we didn't celebrate CNY because we didn't go back to our hometown, but this year, we hope to have some fun and excitement especially with the imminent coming of baby. It'll be weird giving out angpaus to our cousins, but I guess we'll need to get used to it.

'Til then, if you're going to back Sandakan for CNY, give me a call...

It's just amazing...

2009-01-11T01:34:00.002+08:00

Life is just amazing.

The twists and turns that in turnb affect you positively and negatively are so drastic and most of the time dramatic.

I figured that it'll do my blog no good if I continue to rant about my current predicament, which, if you still haven't guessed, is still not changing. But then, I start to feel a change in heart. It is as if suddenly, the complaints were gone, and the urge to make the most of what I have now comes.

Yes, I still live in a temporary apartment, I am still not settled, the school is still not starting, my wife is still pretty much pregnant, and we have nothing solid to base our short term plans on.

But then, suddenly, out of no where, I kind of see life through a somewhat lighter light. I am suddenly willingly cleaning the apartment, I am suddenly able to wash my clothes everyday (still by hand) and I am surviving without a tv.

Friends are really hard to come by in this town, being one of the VERY few couples under 30 years old and English speaking. So in that sense, we are still finding it difficult.

Church will still need a bit of getting used to, the way they do things around here is so different from what we are used to that I realise that it is indeed not easy to lead a life of being 'on-call'. I found out that although my powers of adaptibility were high, but I still missed quite a few things.

I went to take a look at a prospective house that would be our little nesting place for our new family, and only after that reality struck me, that we have spent so much time and effort in building up our little nest in the minuscule apartment that we used to live in Sunway that now, we seem to not be able to live without the comforts of home. We have found out that Sunway was our home because we've spent so much time doing-up the place and we were so comfortable. Makes me pity the kids who have parents travelling from town to town in the course of earning their keep.

And now I finally understand why people who get trransfered a lot spend so much time and effort to pack with them their photographs and memorabilia. It helps them make their new home feel like home.

As for me and my house, it's going to be a good few years of re-building a little nest and hopefully, we won't need to move.

hopeless

2008-12-30T01:24:00.002+08:00

meaningless.

Everything is either hopeless or meaningless. It seems that we're fighting a war that's not even know to the residents here in this sleepy hollow.

Every man for himself then.

I'm stuck in a rut at the moment. Can't settle down, can't do anything.

The school building's 3weeks late, the lisence is not in hand, my accommodation is still not settled, there's work to be done, but at the same time, for what?

I've been living out of boxes since I arrived here, and I am still living out of boxes after 3 months. The apartment unit that I stay in is in a rut, pieces of parquet are coming off and will duly stick to your feet if you've just walked out of the bath.

I can't buy a washing machine yet cause we still don't know when to move up to the school; I don't want to move the thing twice.

There's so many things that are unsettled, so many things that is going to change, and change is not coming soon enough.

sigh.

It's been long enough...

2008-12-13T03:42:00.002+08:00

yeah.

It's been long enough since I posted.

Quick updates;
1. Work is starting to get hectic; plans+expectations+lack of time+idealism+unknown factors... You do the math

2. Just got word that my car has finally been given the go-ahead to get it fixed. Will drop by the workshop on Monday to discuss about the details. Should I take away the vroom-vroom exhaust??

3. School license is still pending approval;

4. Baby is starting to show on wife's tummy. Entering 4th month;

5. Still feeling ridiculously tired during the days. Weird;

6. Getting frustrated to be stuck in a town where there's no place to go whatsoever; For the first time in my life, I stepped back into Sunway and was fazed by the glimmer and glitter of the lights at the pyramid. Now I understand why they say when a kampung boy steps into the big city, they get drawn by the lights as if a moth gets drawn by the zapper;

7. Paid exorbitantly for 2 meals today. Birthday Lunch + Full Moon Dinner = 2 angpaus, you do the math.

8. Getting a feeling that being BB Captain isn't only about the Boys', it's also about meetings and meetings and meetings...

9. Found a futsal court with good players to play with every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but somehow can't find the time to go there frequently. You've guessed it - Meetings;

10. It's weird when you work for the church but then you also have to sacrifice your Sunday serving to work on a Sunday Event. Going to Saturday Night service later and not being ableto play in the Worship Team on Sunday because I have to man a booth on Sunday morning to promote the school;

That's a quick 10 facts about me now.

Laterz...

ON the lighter side of life...

2008-12-03T00:47:00.003+08:00

There's no lighter side of life for me so far.

I find myself being so occupied by the fact that I am still settling down, with countless loose ends to settle, and I am duly distracted by work, rumours of work, restrictions in doing work, working on something that you don't know whether you should work on or not, I'd say a big chunk of my worry now is WORK...

It's not that my work is not good, nor do I resent my office, but it's just, we're so stuck in between things right now that we can't move much. So many things are out of our control and management. So many things that need to be done, but cannot be done.

So many things that should have been done, but were not done...

So many places to go, so many hats to wear, so many issues from so many sides...

I have simply stopped thinking about things. All I think about is what I should be doing tomorrow, and even that also, sometimes, cannot be answered. It's like I'm existing to work, but then, there's not much to be done. Everything is so unsure that there's nothing that can be a certainty. I know what I would be teaching next year, but then, that too is not confirmed.

I guess I have really lost my focus in certain areas of my life.

The stuff on my mind constitutes stuff like what if the school won't start next year? What if I can sell-off my car, which is still not fixed because the final police report is still pending the signature of some majistrate that is supposed to visit Kinabatangan like maybe once a year or something, I need to manage my finances, which include the buying of fridge, installation of astro, telephone/internet, possibly the purchase of a bigger vehicle so that it'll be more comfortable for the family to travel back and forth from Tawau and Sandakan, saving up for the baby, the food that we eat everyday, the clothes that we wear, and all that.

I know the Bible says not to worry and sorts, but it's like, my mind is in this state of 'can't do anything now'. I would like to see myself as a man who has a bit of foresight and I would like to see things 2 steps ahead of people, but this is killing me.

I guess what I need would be a retret of some sort to some where...

Yeah...

2008-11-25T08:27:00.002+08:00

Life's been flat... That's all I can say... Flat...

My wife and I celebrated our 1st anniversary yesterday by not doing anything... Cause that's the only thing to be done here in this forsaken place...

The only consolation is that we found a rather good place to have western dinner... It's not exactly Itallianies, but the standards are good enough as compared to whatever else we've had in this town so far.

This place really needs some getting used to...

My only fear now is that my taste buds will slowly deteriorate because of a lack of constant good food pumping into my stomach. Heck, even now my wife tells me that my requirements towards food has gone down... Imagine this, stuff that she says are inedible are 'ok' by my standards... now that is crappy...

So, yeah... last night dinner was a welcomed respite somehow...

But against all this, at least the people here are good... There's not much malice in this town... Or is it that I haven't been around enough to know the bad side of town?

Coming from a gangster town, I don't think anything would faze me, but then, you'll never know... heh... I know there are some gangsters in town, but they don't seem as rampant as those from where I come from...

So, yeah...

About work, it's been ok so far. There's not much to do this week and we consider it the calm before the storm. it's gonna get tremendously heavy in the weeks to come. We're going to have an Open Day cum Christmas Celebration in Mid Dec, and then it's full steam ahead until the start of the new semester on the 5th Jan. Registration is on the 2nd & 3rd Jan for ALL schools in Tawau, and it's gonna get hectic. I could just foresee students and parents coming to us the days after that to try and get into the school because they can't get into the school of their choice.

So, yeah... as they say, we must be prepared for anything and everything... but then, there's a whole wide world out there... how does one presume to achieve that?

hhhmmm...

Life as a pregger

2008-11-24T14:24:00.010+08:00

Yes! I am finally blogging but its from my hubby's blog. hahaha. I tried to start one, I really did but its the maintaining part that turns me off. Malas la~~

If you have been following my hubby's blog you would know that we've been here in Tawau for awhile. To be exact I have been here for like 1 month and 9 days. The first month was truly a bit of a torture. The taste of the food here is not as intense as those that I have learnt to like. Even the most basic 'gu lou yuk' taste plain. Bleak! I guess its because we did not have transport and we could not look for restaurants with good food. So even if you are in a small town like Tawau, you HAVE to have a car, or at least a motorbike to get yourself around. Otherwise, life would be miserable without some comfort food.

So on top of the bad food, I was experiencing real discomfort due to the first trimester of my pregnancy. I did not have morning, noon, evening or night sickness but I was bloated with gas. If you throw me into a swimming pool to save someone who is about to drown, most probably, just most probably he can use me as a float to save himself. My poor colleagues would usually be able to tell what I had for breakfast just by smelling the burps that I made in the office. Its really annoying but its better than farting, I guess.

There are also things which pregnant women are not suppose to do and for me, the 'pantang' nearly drove me crazy. Its so difficult to avoid doing things like carrying heavy stuff or wear high heels when your shoe collection has no flat heel shoes. Have to eat good food la. This and that la. Argh!

Thank goodness, I am into my second trimester already. Things are starting to look and feel much better. Although, my weight has dropped slightly cos of a sick spell, things are still not too bad. We just had another baby photo taken at the Doc's. It's really amazing. I was surprised to see that the fetus has grown so much after a month. Both of us were like silent for awhile after looking at the baby through the ultrasound scan. The Doc also showed us the baby's heart which was beating like mad but normal. First time parents bah so we were like a bit sakai. So before I sign off, here are some pics.

This was taken when the fetus was only 8 weeks. Too small to recognise what it really looks like. Don't even know where the head was.

And this was just taken last Saturday. The baby has grown to 6cm measured from head to butt. Amazing, dont's you think?!

Pregger signing off.

It's been quite some time...

2008-11-21T13:20:00.002+08:00

Indeed, it's been quite some time since my mind churned up a valuable question to be discussed and posted on this blog.

I went home after lunch for a short siesta this fine day and as I was awakened, I suddenly asked myself, that since there isn't any set culture in school, as everyone who enters Form 1 enters into it as individuals who know nothing about the cultures of the school.

When I was still in Secondary School about 10 years back, no one told me how to do things, no one told me that there's a certain way of doing things around here, the senior basically didn't want anything to do with us 'juveniles' and most of all, my classmates were all the same age as I was, and were all finding their identities in this world.

So who sets the culture in the school?

We know that the teachers play a bit part, but who the heck listens to the teachers anyway? Find me a class who will willingly do EVERYTHING that their teachers tell them and obey them as if it were given by God Himself(!) and I'll retract everything I said in this post.

So the question remains, who sets the culture in school? Who starts the rebellion? Who determines how most of the students will act when faced with challenges, when faced with a pointing finger, when faced with temptation of being offered a cig, when faced with the invitation to go to a classmate's house to watch illegal movies? Who tells them how to act and react to circumstances?

Surely the teachers can't control all the students, and surely, some would follow, but most will not, but who teaches them to do all those things that I've been reading in the school rules?

You know, as I was preparing the school rules for the school that I am setting up, I do find that a lot of the rules were written as an effect of things that happened before in another school, which we adopted our rules from. There's stuff in there that says you shall not use cutex, which is a firm of nail polish. Heck, I didn't even knew there was cutex. Then there's stuff like 'You can't jaywalk in prohibited areas, especially the teachers' car park. Then there's stuff like, "You cannot be caught being in couples at dark areas, and underneath the trees!! Like isn't that a little bit too overtly specific?

So back to the question, do the students collectively decide, by way of natural selection, of what to follow, when to follow and how to follow?

Or are they who their parents brought them up to be? If you say that they are who their parents brought them up to be when they are still in Primary School, there would be certain truths in that. But we are talking about Secondary School kids here. They have already somewhat grown into an identity of their own, independent from their parents.

But if you say that they act as what they observe in their parents, then does it go to say that their parents are that 'bad' in their homes?

This is me... I guess...

2008-11-19T18:26:00.002+08:00

Well, it's frustrating to be staying in a half-way kinda house.

What you want, you cannot get, what you need, you cannot want, what you get, you cannot keep... It's futile, this place...

The people are fine, lovely and well behaved... maybe a little too well behaved... I guess that my wife and I are probably the most un-innocent people in the little community that we live in... Or maybe everyone's a wolf in sheep's skin?

This town makes one go paranoid I guess... Maybe becaue of its location on the face of the earth that segregates it form the rest of the world. Let's just say that evil breeds in small quantities around this town...

There's not much to be done, there's not much temptation at all, You can't even get yourself into decent trouble if you wanted to... lovely place... for tree-hugging hippies...

I'm not saying that the fellas staying here should fall under that category, but yeah... somehow, I feel like I'm trapped in this bubble of goodness... Like, evil doesn't stay here... exterior evil that is... Evil of the heart, I'm not so sure... but from the outside, everything seems to be prim and proper...

Maybe I'm just paranoid after so many years in KL...

But I'm just complaining for the sake of complaining... gotta write something for my readers to read about I guess...

Hi...

2008-11-17T20:25:00.002+08:00

And to cap it all off, there indeed is nothing to do in Tawau...

It's slightly after 8pm and I've done my laundry, went out for dinner, shopped in 2 super markets, and went to 2 banks.

nuff said...

The school is progressing as it should, and there is enough reason for us to believe that we will be able to start in the next semester.

I'll be going to KL on the 6th and 7th Dec for a meeting. Apparently, the gov sees 'youth' as being in the age group of 15 - 40 years old, and that just cuts the entire Boys' Brigade, or whatever secondary school based youth society into 2 parts. How stupid can you get? You have just made a decision that says, if you're in Form 3 and below, you're a child, and therefore, you cannot be registered into a youth group. And if you're in Form 4, then you can be a youth in a youth organisation. Like who spends 2 years in a youth organisation and then leave for further studies?

gggrrrrrr...

It's not everyday that I can blog...

2008-11-13T23:03:00.002+08:00

Yeah... I'll say that again.. It's not everyday that I have the luxury of sitting down alone in the dark with my mini on, and blog about life.

It's been interesting so far, how things have developed, and it's not so much of what to do, but when to do things. And it is this 'when' that is killing my settling down process.

We know we will move to Bandar Sri Indah, but we don't know when. We know that the school will be built-up before Jan 2009, but we don't know exactly when. We know we will need to buy a TV, a washing machine, get astro, maybe buy a car, but we don't know when.

Everything's in limbo and I don't know when we're gonna crack...

My first 3-pointer...

2008-11-11T14:20:00.002+08:00

I was asked to speak at a BB&GB Camp in the past few days. This is the full text:

The Chosen ONE

What is this 'chosen one' business that we are talking about today?

I believe everyone understands that life is all about choices. The making of choices, the suffering or the happiness that one finds as a consequence of making a choice. I made a choice to marry my wife, you made a choice to come here, your friends made a choice to study, or not to study. To do homework, not to do it; to make this phone call or to wait here.

Life is full of choices. And God gives us that ability to choose. Imagine God making everyone as He likes them. THen Adam and Eve wouldn't have had the choice to sin. Then the earth wouldn't have to be like this. and we would still be living in paradise.

But today, we are not here to discuss about whether we have a choice or not, we are here to talk about God being the first who chose us and called us into His will!

So say to your neighbour, God put you here for His purpose!

If you believe in God being the ruler, maker, creator, sovereign God, the Almighty, then you need to understand the Sovereignty of God. Now what does it mean, the Sovereignty of God? It means that God is totally in control. There is nothing beyond His control, and He causes all things to work for His glory. That is His perfect and unchanging will.

But that is all about God, and what does it have to do with you and me?

Well, if you believe that God chose you into His perfect will, then you must also believe that you are the Chosen one, because according to the bible, God first chose us. (2 Th 2:13 / Jn 15:16)

Shall we turn to Matt 5:13-16 today and learn what it means to be 'The Chosen One'.

Matt 5:13-16

Salt and Light

13"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

14"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

1. Stay Relevant

v.13 says when salt loses its saltiness, it cannot be made salty again.

We, as followers of Christ, the chosen people of God, need to stay relevant to the society we live in. We cannot say that because we are followers of Christ, we should stay away from the evils of society, and thus, we stay in our little comfortable church that we have worked so hard to protect against the evil of the society outside. I look upon people who tell me that they are proud to live in seclusion from the 'evil' people outside with scepticism and wonder if they are really seeing the world as they should.

And then there are the Christian organisations who are sometimes holding too tighly onto their well worked traditions until they lose their cutting edge. When a church loses its cutting edge, it becomes irrelevant to the society it ministers to. People change. Times change. The only constant in this world is 'change'. Change never stops nor does it ever sleep. The world around us is ever-changing. What is the church doing to cope with this change? Hold on to our traditions? Hold on to the same winning formula that was relevant 15 years ago? NO! We are called to be the head, not the tail. We should lead, not follow. And as BB and GB today, what are we doing? Are we still the cutting edge organisation that God wants us to be? Are we offering our society with something that is exactly what they need? Or are we holding on to our time-honoured traditions and saying that we are used to doing this like this and like that?

Have we lost our saltiness?

2. Do not hide

You are the light of the world! If Jesus says that you are the light of the world, then why are you hiding? Are you hiding? Has feared taken over of you? Have you lost your pride in being a follower of Christ? The Bible syas that a city on a hill cannot be hidden. Are you a city on a hill or are you more like a small house on top of a big hill? When you are good, when you stick together for something which is good, you are like a city on a hill. People will see you from far away. People will say good rumours about you. We need to tackle 2 things in this verse. 1st is that we must be united. If we stick together, our collective light on the hill will shine ever so brightly. If you are just a small house, people will not be able to see you. How to work as 1 unit? FOr this, you must study football. How can you make 11 different characters of different skills to work as 1 team? How do you work as a team?

1. Clear instruction

2. One direction, One commander - There can only be 1 decision maker. That's why God make us with 1 head and 2 hands and 2 feet.

3. Know your role in the organisation

4. Keep emotions in check - People tend to make stupid mistakes when they are emotional.

5. Remember that you can never make everyone happy, but you must be able to make everyone sacrifice happily.

6. 2-way communication: every part of the body must know what the other part is doing. If not, the body will not be able to function properly.If you finger is cut, isn't it that your whole body will move according to that hurt? Imagine if your arm doesn't know that your finger hurts?

7. Always be courteous.

COmmunication is the key to unity.

3. Do all things for His glory.

16In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Jesus came to earth to do the will of Him who sent Him. He said, in Jn 4:34 34"My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work." So what is the will of God?

The will of God is for all creation to glorify Him.

Are you glorifying Him in your life?

How have you been spending your time?

Is my purpose in life in line with God's purpose for me? Am I glorifying Him in every decision that I am making?

Have I put my purpose above God's purpose?

Faith & Confidence should go hand in hand.

Faith is a funny thing. How much faith do you have in the chair that you are sitting on? Will it not collapse? How do you know it will sustain your weight?

The only way to know is to try it out. Sit on it first, and then you'll realise that it can and will support your weight. The same goes for God.

It takes some experience. You need to put in that little step of faith in order for your faith to grow.

Shall we pray.

Still settling in

2008-11-08T16:02:00.002+08:00

I know it's been the theme for quite some time... But that's the truth I guess...

It's difficult being in a situation where you are trying to settle down but yet you know that you're gonna uproot and settle somewhere else in the very near future. It does have a negative effect on the human psyche. My wife and I are trying so hard to fit-in, settle down, set some boundaries, get used to life, but yet, we cannot because we are in a half-way sort of situation. There's so many things we need but cannot buy simply because we don't wanna move some more stuff when we eventually move, and there's so many creature comforts that we can have but are resisting because where we live in is not our final destination...

I guess we've found out why we're so tired to the point of being lethargic in the evenings. We stay in this room that gets the full heat of the afternoon sun, and whenever we come back from work, we are like going back to an oven. Maybe that's why we're always tired. Now we're adamant to not save on the electricity bill by turning on the air-con during the evening. Maybe we'll cut down on the night usage. But we seem to not get that tired after experimenting for the past 2 days. Well, we'll know sooner than later I guess.

We went to Giant on Thursday night, and I must admit, I am not impressed at all. I mean Giant is Giant, and it's supposed to be Giant, but all we see are a whole lot of empty racks. I guess it just shows how far end are we on the supply line. It's like Tawau is at the end of the supply chain and we only get stuff that have been written off by Sandakan and even Lahad Datu. Nothing's cheap around here, and everything's back dated. Everything seems to be so yesterday...

Well, I guess life's like that for a guy like me.

I keep thanking God that I found a wife that's willing to live in such dire circumstances. Well, I guess the Bible does hold its truths when it says that foxes have holes, birds have nests, but the son of man... has no where to lay his head...

2008-11-04T23:45:00.003+08:00

This is like the 2nd month I'm here in Tawau.

Resources are depleting as I type this out. We are running low on cash as we didn't forsee that we needed to buy so many things. Utensils, food, stocking up for the late nights where food is not readily available, some expenses that we didn't know we needed to use money on, like purchasing a new monitor, replacing stuff that we couldn't bring over from Sunway, and other stuff like medical bills.

I've been coughing for the past month or so. The thing just keeps coming back. It's like I'm slipping in and out of coughing. For a while, I was fine, and then out of no where, the coughs came back She's feeling a little under the weather. Not sure if it's related to the pregnancy.

But we're settling down. Trying to. We are still not entirely settled as our next move up to Mile 10 will not happen until the building gets set up properly. So, we've been staying at the staff quarters, a temporary refuge, trying to settle down, but at the same time knowing that we can't because of the inevitable move up to Mile 10.

I guess we still haven't gotten used to the whole climate of this place.

The baby is about 8 weeks old now, and we had a scan a couple of weeks ago, and it was a profound experience. It's weird looking into the screen knowing that your wife is carrying an entirely different life inside her tummy. We saw the heart-beat of our child, and it was a mixture of emotions as I glimpsed into the little screen trying to get a cleared picture of the little heart beating rapidly inside my wife.

No wonder they say fatherhood changes everything.

We're still living out of boxes for now, and everything is kind of everywhere strewn along the floor of the room. There's a lot of things we have grown accustomed to in our bedroom, and living in this temporary bedroom only highlights how used to the old bedroom we were. It's like, whatever we needed, we couldn't find or do because this is not going to be our bedroom for long.

And I keep getting tired in the evening, I don't know why. It's a weird phenomenon cause I don't usually get dead tired in the evenings. I mean, something's not very right with me. No matter how much I sleep, it's still not helping. I still wake up feeling lethargic in the morning, and by about 6pm, I usually get so tired that I can't resist napping. I don't usually do this when I was in Sunway. Is it the food? Or is it the environment? Or is it something spiritual?

Church has been so far, so good. It's not what we've grown accustomed to back in FCC, but it's not too different. The only thing is that they always lower the keys of the songs to suit either the worship leader, or the congregation, which I don't know why. Being someone who has been trained not to mess too much with the original writer's intentions for the song, I find it very difficult to sing the songs that have been messed with too much. Imagine singing a song that is originally in B on a F key. That's like, changing the whole feel of the song. The verse is sung with gusto because they sing it on the higher octave, and the chorus is somewhat built-up to a deflating disappointment because they sing it in the lower octave as opposed to the opposite in the original song. This I simply cannot live with. For those who know what I'm talking about, trying singing 'All Creation Cries to You' in F.

And I am taking up a primary role in the Boys' Brigade in Church. I've left the thing for 10 years now, and suddenly, I am called back to it. I guess God does have a whacky sense of humour. I mean, I have been trained as a Boy in discipline and in ruggedness, and then I have been called out of that into the Cell System, something that is totally social, and non-rigid like a uniformed body, and back again into the rigidity of the whole thing. It's like a counter shock to the system. I have simply forgotten how to act as a disciplinarian already. I used to be very good at it, but I have changed and moved on from there... and now I find myself back there again.

And I've been washing my clothes by hand since we moved over here. We don't want to get a washing machine first because it's gonna take some extra effort to move it up to Mile 10 when we eventually move up. And since she's pregnant, I am the one who's doing all the washing, and she the cooking. We still haven't gotten used to the economy here in Tawau. We're still trying to find our way around how to budget our daily spending. Then there's the need to buy a fridge, a washing machine, and oh, I must thank God for providing us with a free TV. There's a pastor's dad who plays golf, and apparently the father always wins TV sets from playing in competitions. So there's a few TVs in the pastor's house collecting dust. We are more than happy to relief them of one TV set. Muahahaha...

I guess that's all for now. I can't blog much because most of my time is now preoccupied with washing clothes, sleeping and taking care of a pregnant lady.

And then there's no table to type from. The computer is propped on the floor, the monitor on top of it's own box, and I'm typing from the side of my bed, with the keyboard on my lap.

Follow-up...

2008-10-30T22:32:00.003+08:00

Yeap... That's my car in Tawau's workshop, waiting for its forensics report... The mechanics have propped up the car to see its under belly, to determine how badly damaged it is...

Only now I see the severity of the damage...

It is gonna take SOME time to do up this car. Some ppl have actually doubt that it's not gonna survive long even if it gets properly fixed...

Ah, well...

How many days?

2008-10-29T13:36:00.002+08:00

Yes... How many days since I've last posted anything?

It has been that long since the internet in Tawau died. It is THAT bad...

Why did I even contemplated coming to this internet forsaken place in the beginning!!!???

Well, updates as updates go, there's nothing much to be said as of now cause nothing much is happening... Every thing is stuck because of some administrative restrictions, and we're just sitting around at the office working on things that might collapse at the very end of the hour. Yes, we are working, but at the same time, we're not supposed to work... Well... if you get my drift, you get my drift...

Anyhow, the place is bad.... internet is down like 2-3 days in a week, and sometimes, it stretches through an entire weekend... how to work like that? Need information also cannot search...

It's difficult when we advertise the new school as 'technologically advanced' especially when 'technology' is not available like 3 days of a week. I can just foresee that some assignments won't be able to be handed up on time just cause the net wasn't working...

Lousy place...

It's a new life...

2008-10-18T16:48:00.002+08:00

A new beginning has dawned upon my life. It's all about settling in for these 2 weeks. Everything's changed, and everything's gonna keep changing.

Change is the only constant in this world. It's all up to us, fickle human beings to make decisions, and it's due to our fickle nature, everything keeps changing.

The markets keep changing, the lives of people keep changing, and everything keeps changing. There's a theory that says if you stop for a second, and change will overtake you. So, yeah...

Bear with me as I try to keep up with change.

I try to be an agent of change, but it seems that there are societies that are tougher than others.

Life's tough...

The Cutting Edge

2008-10-12T03:25:00.002+08:00

I knew something was up when Tim Lim looked at me just before the last song... so yeah... and I have to give Ivan a tight slap when I meet him for boosting up my volume...

But jokes aside, I think I would need to re-explain myself about the cutting edge thingy that I said when Pastor put me on the spot without warning. Somehow, I did figure that he would do a stunt like that, and I did prepare a little bit. But that was all I really had in my mind. Do no lose your cutting edge... ever...

We are a church that is built by using cutting edge technology and also philosophy, and let's keep it that way. Everything we do in Faith Christian Centre is all about changing for the better. There's no such thing as a good model or system that we should follow all the days of our lives. There's only the 'relevant to now' system. We must at least be as fast growing, and fast moving as the society out there. Once we lose our cutting edge, we lose all relevance to the society.

I am saying such things because I've been away and back. I took a step out of the system and revisited it. It sometimes takes a move like that to see things clearly, however, in our Asian working culture, we do not always see that. We are either pushing towards a certain goal with our heads down, teeth and muscles grit together digging our feet into the issue, or we're leisurely strolling through whatever happens around us with our heads held high, thinking that we're good enough, we're the best, nothing can beat us... None of us actually stop from our norm and look at the issue straight in the eye. Albeit some of us do, and these are who we call 'the visionaries'.

It does take a visionary to foresee change, or to even plan for change. And unfortunately, not everyone has both these charateristics. Some only have vision, but no powere nor will to make things happen; these I shall label as 'critics' - N.A.T.O. (No Action, Talk Only). Some have the political power or will to move things, but have no vision; these are your typical 'politician', popular but good for nothing.

So yeah, I think I have just killed a few people with that paragraph up there, but my point must be made that it takes a visionary to get an organisation to move on the cutting edge. It's sharp, it's dangerous, it sometimes hurts, but that's the price everyone must pay to be at the cutting edge. Once you lose your cutting edge, you lose your relevance, remember?

And why do I say so? There are churches out there that I see who used to be on the cutting edge, but now no more. Change of leadership, complacency, lack of knowledge and burn-out are all the factors that come into play.

Let's be philosophical a bit here - say, 10 years ago, you stumbled upon a winning formula that worked miracles. The system brought countless people to church every week. The system hit all the right buttons of the society at that point in time. But because it did you wonders doesn't mean that it doesn't deserve a review every now-and-then. Simply because soiety changes. What used to be popular culture 10 years ago is now looked upon as 'old-school' or should I say 'old-skool'. And since we're talking about an organic society like a church, we are also talking about keeping up with the times. And this refusal to change according to the times in most churches have actually made them redundant today. That is also why certain churches stay the same yesterday, today and forever... well, not forever, cause by about 50-60 years from now, all of your current members will be dead, and if you do not reach out to the new generation, then you're toast.

But yes, in general, people of yesterday and the people of today think very differently. We are so different on so many aspects of our lives, for example the way we handle and value money, time, relationships, and honour is so radically different from those who were our age 5 years ago. The newest word on the street is that a generation gap happens every once in 3 years. You think PSP is so cool today? Well, 3 years from, now, your younger brother will think that you lived in a cave when you were his age.

So, yeah, if society is so forcefully advancing, to the point of relentlessness, then why is the church so proud of its traditions? I am not saying that traditions are bad here, but the unreviewed following of traditions will almost surely leads to religiousness, and religiousness is somehow the counter argument for spirituality.

The balance must be sought somehow. Certain traditions are good to be followed, in fact there are some timeless traditions like the holy communion that should be at all times held sacred and looked upon with reverence and fear. But stuff like how do you handle your youth ministry, how you handle the small groups in your church, how you make the Word of God relevant to the society of today is very important. You must live like the head, not the tail. You cannot be the head if you stop running in front of everyone else. For the split moment someone overtakes you, you are no longer the head. And the church must recognise this! We must never stop being at the cutting edge of society.

Yes, the current system may have served you well, miraculously and abundantly at times, but is it still the cutting edge thing of today? Only you can be the judge.

Updates...

2008-10-05T01:56:00.002+08:00

It's late at night and because I slept a while during the evening, I am wide awake now in the wee hours of the morning.

It's been about 3 weeks since I've been in Tawau, this being my 3rd weekend, and it seems like so much has happened. I haven't even gotten grips on how to live my life here. Adapting to a culture that you 'think' you know too well is a problem. Sometimes, I think I'm just paranoid, but then, there's nothing to underestimate about Tawau.

I am still not gotten a grasp of the passing of time. Which can only mean that my body is not adapting as it should, or used to last time. It seems that time passes so slowly, but then, I seem to loose track of time. I can't remember what day of the week is it simply because I used to count the days by what I had to do. Now, it seems that my time and jobs are rather irregular that I don't remember when is cell group, what time is practice, and basically what I am supposed to do each day. Maybe I should've gotten a 'Hi, and welcome to Tawau; Your Mondays are A, B & C at what times, Tuesdays are Free, Wednesdays are E, F & G at what times respectively, etc. kind of brochure.

I totally lost track of the sense of time that I failed to realise that I should be going back to KL this coming week to fetch my dear wife back to my side. Maybe it's the lack of such a partner and companion that I am in such a dire situation. My focus is not entirely here in Tawau, and I still have loose ends all over the place.

I hate it when life is not settled.

Coming back to the accident, in retrospec, I do feel that it was a blessing in disguise. I needed to get my car fixed anyway, but not under such circumstances, but financially, I might not have the ability to fix it anyhow. Anyways, the main thing is that now we have proper evidence to 'feel' that the fella who hit me fell asleep behind the wheel, and somehow, managed to keep driving in a straight line towards my car. The odds of that happening are like so slim, but it still happened, I wonder if God is trying to tell me something. But wahtever said and done, I am ok now, the day after the accident, my neck was under such agony... It felt the worst when I washed my hair... I can't apply pressure on my neck, but yet I still needed to...

Well, I guess I should just give God the glory and the thanks for keeping me and those in my car safe. Thanks also for those who helped me out during the incident. 2 cars came all the way back from Lahad Datu just to help me, and for that I am deeply grateful.

As for what I am feeling now, I miss my wife. And pray that I will have smooth passage back to KL on Tuesday/Wednesday. I haven't bought my tickets as they cost a bomb. Might as well wait for the very last minute.

I guess that's all for now. See you guys in Sunway soon.

Life is precious...

2008-10-03T18:34:00.005+08:00

Dear all,

Life is precious indeed. But then, I knew God won't let me off the hook so easily... So, yeah, I'm smiling at the storm...

The incident happened like this;

Me and a group of friends went to Sandakan over the Raya Holidays.
We were on our way back to Tawau, on the stretch of road just past the Gomantong Caves Roundabout.
A car came from the opposite direction, into our lane, and was on course for a head-on collision. I honked at him but he still kept going straight. So, under the split second reaction, I could only swerve to my left as there was on-coming cars from the right, but still I couldn't manage to avoid the guy. I could still remember the smashing of my side mirror and the crash that followed.

I spun into the ditch and thus, the damage is as follows;
Front Bumper - Gone
Rear Bumper - Gone
Rear Left Light - Gone
Right side of Car - Gone Entirely (both doors, side view mirror)
Rear Wheel Axle - Gone (my right wheel was totally broken off its suspension)
Rear Wheel Rims - Gone
Exhaust Pipe - Gone (Good riddance)

All those will need to be replaced totally.

5 seconds earlier or 5 second later, and I would've avoided the guy.

Poor his insurance seller. My car's gonna get a 6-8K job I think.

So yeah, if you see a car with that plate on sale, don't buy it...

Yeah... News is out...

2008-09-28T18:07:00.003+08:00

So yes, the news is out by now, and there's no reason why I shouldn't blog about it... But still, reality seems to sink in slowly...

I mean... I still can't get to grips with it... It's unthinkable...

But yes, I'm gonna be a father.

Which brings me to the question, 'Will I be a good one?'

But I guess if you look at it from a biblical point of view, you can only do that much. Who your child grows up to be does not solely depend on how you brought him up to be. However well your child's upbringing can be, you'd still find that your child might grow up and lick the computer screen somehow, out of no good reason at all.

But yeah, if you would understand that it is God who gives life, and it is God who gives us children, then it would be right to say that the child will be born into my family, and there is only 1 thing I can do, which is to bring him up in a godly way, and pray that God will convict his heart to serve Him all the days of the his/her life.

So, in the end, the summary should be that a good father is a praying father?

It's True...

2008-09-26T19:18:00.000+08:00

The thing that I said I will have to wait until it's confirmed to tell you guys is true!!

hahaha...

But I'm still not telling...

Hahahahaha...

BTW, the line in Tawau is really bad lah...

For the past 2 days, I can't really log on to the net... Sien...

And Nat, I'm fine... ahahahah...

It's been almost 1 week...

2008-09-23T08:45:00.002+08:00

It's almost been one week since I've come to this little town. It's still slightly bigger then some duty-free island out there somewhere, but it's small enough to call it small. So yeah... Last night, I successfully out-maneuvered dinner. I had junk food instead, and this morning, I feel slightly thinner. Maybe it's just an optic illusion, but it's all good.

Oh, I just bought a cheap basketball so that I can at least jump a bit, stretch a bit, and exercise a bit during the evenings. I need it. This town seems to be feeding its people with carbs and more carbs only. It's virtually impossible to go on a low-carb diet. So I guess if you can't beat them, join them... And then exercise later. Hah!

I was awakened by some shocking news this morning, but it's not confirmed yet, so I'll have to wait and see before I tell you what it is. Heh...

Things seem to be starting to run in full-swing but then again, there's only so much you can do. I've been asked to do a few things this morning, and most of it has been done, except for the thing that requires internet connection, which I don't know why, I can only access blogspot. I can't log on to the gov website from which I'm supposed to download stuff from, and I can't log on to the star... hhhmmm...

I wonder if it's any use if we WiFi'ed the school... since internet is always down anyway...

Dinners...

2008-09-22T18:55:00.000+08:00

Dinners in Tawau are a real hassle. I've ran out of ideas as of where to eat. And besides, I need a diet, so I'm trying to skip dinner. However, I ended up eating junk food instead. This place is so peaceful that literally, there's nothing to do besides eat. The only places to go in Tawau are Milimewa, Servey... need I say more?

So yeah... It's either you go to the hypermarts and look at the never changing stock available on the shelves or you go to an eatery, whereby, if you do not eat, why even bother... Or you stay at home and do nothing. So... someone help me choose, please...???

Besides that, the people here are nice (so far) still no chicken rice lunches offered to me yet, so I guess I'm still safe... Oh, if you're wondering what chicken rice has to do with me, ask Ka Seng; Apparently, he was invited to go lunch one day by some aunty after service. And he almost sold his soul for that meal... So yeah... that's the chicken rice story ina nutshell.

I just got myself involved in leading a youth cell, one filled with bananas, which are my specialty, and I will be playing in the worship team sooner than I think I would. So, yeah... feels like chocolate.

That's all for today I guess. Normal not-so-intellectual discourse will resume as soon as I get bored with posting about the boring-ness of this place... heh...

Lagging Jet Lag??

2008-09-21T00:42:00.003+08:00

Suddenly, out of no where, I feel like my body begs for me to rest. I wonder if it's a lagging jet lag or is my body telling me that it's been more than 6 days since I took a break. You see, my normal day offs are on Wednesdays, and this Wednesday, I started working and from the moment I stepped into the office, I had so much to do.

So I guess it's a bit of both eh? I was probably running on adrenaline until it settled in today and yesterday that I needed rest.

But, yeah... Tawau so far has been good to me, just that I can't seem to find a decent place to eat. Everything seems geared towards the mornings only. Dinners are a horror movie. I keep on passing by restaurants that are empty. I guess everyone eats dinner at home and only come out for big occasions.

The only good food I had so far was this morning, at this shabby pasar looking row. I plan to go back there soon i guess. Hopefully I can wake up tomorrow morning for it. As of why I am online at this ungodly hour, it's because I had a nap at 7pm just now and I've come back to an empty room. So this is a random act of posting...

So I joined the worship team... hehe... well, not sure what I'll be doing yet, but I've availed myself. Been practising and just trying to keep my guitar skills from deteriorating but whatever I've grown accustomed to singing are not what's on the menu here. I wonder if I can change that...

Besides that, there's not much to say about Tawau I guess. And I do miss FCC a lot, not as much as I miss my wife, but there is a certain element of emptiness maybe due to the lack of responsibility anymore. Heh. Danny must be cursing his socks off...

I guess what I'll miss the most are the friends whom I left behind. Those who have served with me, those whom I have grown to care about, those whom I have seen them from the moment they touched down in Klang Valley until now, I guess I miss the fellowship, the genuinity of it all, the lack of pretense... I hope I can bring a few values from the share groups to Tawau, but of course, anything of this sort might come as a total surprise to the locals, so I'd have to be patient.

As of now, my mission is to settle in, join a cell group, and pray for the best. The news is, that the building might not be ready until late Nov, expecting it to spill over to December. So I guess I'll have to take these few months slowly as it comes, and get ready for the real setting up over Christmas. I hope everything runs well so that the school can be fully functional in January.

I guess this would be the second low-key Christmas for me.

So, yeah...

Day 2... ???

2008-09-20T09:40:00.001+08:00

Day 2

Only today I realise that out of my frentic packing and moving, I have forgotten my most important piece of equipment. I have unknowingly not used my Bible for such a long time that I somehow forgotten that it exists. Since I got my min, I've been using the online Bible for all my things that the physical Bible was left aside. And now, I suddenly realise that I am not that online anymore.

Well, the 2nd day of Tawau was as bearable as the 1st day. Time moves so slowly. Today was my first day of work and work I did! I got together 3 people to do the school logo design for me, I did the write-up for the school brochure, and I went to the computer shop to get a deal finalised. I even had time to chat with my friends while doing some filing, considered on whether we should go for a copier/scanner/printer/fax versus a 4-in-1, and I sat in for the Sunday Morning Worship Team Practice.

And guess what, I have to go through 3 months probation! hehehe... At first I thought it wasn't THAT necessary, but then, after sitting through the practice, I think 3 months is not enough! I was totally lost in a sense I couldn't even comprehend what they were doing. The team has been playing together for so long that everything happens without much signalling, the singers all sang in parts, the musicians know exactly what to do, and most important point of all, I don't know the songs!

So, yeah... It's about 3 months worth of hiding in my room and practising whatever I see in the practise.

Until then, it's more filing for tomorrow.

Well, at least where my office is, the internet is good.

But there's no line in my room...

p/s: It's day 3 when I am posting day 2's post... Ah, what can I say, I'm loving it... We have 2 routers at the office, and somehow... somehow...

Day 1 in Tawau, Sabah

2008-09-18T07:38:00.002+08:00

The not-so-hometown...

It's only in times where you can't do much in a little town that you tend to seek to think about something. Anything. In the big city, life is so fast paced that most of the time, people tend to forget to think. That's what they call the rat race.

But I have come to this small town in the nether regions of Sabah to do the will of the One who sent me. I wonder why He wants me here.

Anyhow, at this time, back where I come from, we would still be chasing after something, whether be it a tv series, taking a bath, or just coming back from having dinner.

Here, I arrived at 3pm just now, and by 7.30pm, I've already driven across town and back, ventured into all the major roads, found dinner on my own at a place that a friend brought me there once, bought the stuff that I needed to survive, parked my car, and walked about the town area.

It does seem to have an effect on the human psyche to adapt to this reverse culture. I came from a culture similar to this, and when I went to the big city to study, I adapted, and now, I have to re-adapt to what I have grown out of. Actually, that is the most difficult part.

And oh, Tawau is filled with round-abouts.

p/s: I would like to thank all those who have helped me out in settling in, especially in KK where I spent the night.

Oh... I touched down in KK, spent the night there, drove back to Sandakan (6hours) spent the night there, and had a haircut, then drove to Tawau (5hours).

Arrived in St.Patrick's Church compound at exactly 3pm.

Embrace what you have been given

2008-09-09T10:03:00.003+08:00

The reason why I wrote all the things below are simple and straight forward. I want all of us to learn how important it is to understand your church throughout. I have met a few people out there who come from the church that broke off from us, and this guy seemingly doesn't know that much about what he was getting himself into. He tried to 'introduce' us to his wonderful pastor saying that he is this and that, but we already know him and his church inside-out. And I can testify, that I knew more about his pastor and church than he did.

So, the point that I am making today is that I want us all to come to learn, embrace and own this church which you have grown from the previous person you are to who you are today. I want us all to understand why our leadership makes the decisions they make sometimes, and why some of these problems you see in church are not, and cannot be solved. I am not saying that we have the right to do things this way just because we were hurt at one point in time, but some consideration would be much appreciated.

We have gone through much as a church, starting from a single Cell Group of about 7 committed members to a church of 450 worshippers weekly. We have grown from a death, a rebirth of sorts, and now some parts of this body still aches from the past hurts. For those who have not gone through what the members since 2001 has gone through, be thankful, but also I want us all to know that this church is not built on anything else but Christ. It is only through God that we can come to Him, and it is only through God that we can withstand such trials and tribulations.

Therefore, as my parting gift to the church that has seen me grow up from a teenager to the person I am today, I have given you a glimpse of who you are. Who we are today is a result of what we have gone through in the past, and this is our past. For the lives that I have come to influence, I hope that I have made an impact that will last long, and at the same time, set you on course for better things ahead. For those whom I have hurt, I am gravely sorry. For those whom I have not been able to reach out to, I am slightly regretful. For those whom I have not spent enough time with, I have tried, believe me, I have tried. For those whom I am leaving behind, remember to grow.

And as a last note, I urge all to remain faithful to The LORD, serving Him in whatever capacity that you can, and imitate me as I imitate Christ. I have not been perfect, but I try to be good enough. Push your boundaries and serve Him more and more. Do not let go of discipline, commitment and faithfulness.

You will face challenges of all sorts in the future, and your faith will be tested. But I urge you all to remain faithful even to the point of death. Only when you have sacrificed much that you may see what I have seen, and I hope that some day, I will be able to read about someone else's struggles in FCC that are greater than mine, and most importantly, more victorious than mine.

Until then, I shall be posting from St. Patrick's Tawau.

SaDdNesZ.jc's last post from Faith Christian Centre - No.19, Jalan PJS11/1, Bandar Sunway.

And then I worked in Church

2008-09-05T10:10:00.002+08:00

So after a while of taking the reins of a sturdy organisation, I felt the pinch of God to serve Him full-time in church. The burden was just too heavy to ignore. I saw the needs of the church, and I think God has really put me here at this time for His purpose.

At first I held on to a prophecy that I had upon my life that I will become an entrepreneur and start something that will be used to advance God's kingdom. I struggled for about 2-3 months before I really made the step of faith. I still kind of hold on to that today, but with less importance.

It seems that in every juncture of my life, God has tried to give me a chance to serve Him full-time, but all of those times before this, I had said 'No'. I had always found joy in serving. That's why I have never stopped, even when I changed town and church for 2 times within 2 years. I served when I was in my hometown church, I served as soon as I settled down in KK for my Degree Foundation, I served as soon as I arrived in FCC. I guess I had the heart, and God knew it.

So I asked my pastor what should I do with this burden that God has put in my heart? The minds says no, but the heart felt right.

I have bought a car so that I can travel faster from work to ministry, and I just bought a house so that I could get married with my girlfriend, who is my wife now. I had so many burdens on me that to any self loving mind, it will be virtually impossible to survive on the salary scale that a full-time staff of the church would get. But I did get through. I struggled with my debts a lot, but only after so many things and so many years, I finally seemed to have navigated through just fine. The apartment is rented out now, my finances a lot more stable than before, and just by getting rid of the burden from the apartment, I can breathe easy now.

Back to full-time;

After my struggle in getting to grips with God's economy, I took up the challenge and courage to work in church. The initial deal with my pastor was 2 years. 2 years to try out if I really had a heart to be a pastor or, dare I say, a priest. And in these 2 years (almost), I have learned how to be compassionate, how to have a shepherd's heart.

And in these 2 years, I have seen the most dramatic change ever in the history of this church. We have not only regained strength, but we are on the offensive. We decided to move forcefully through the change of a system. Everyone who has been to a charismatic church would know that churches run on this system called the Cell Group system. We evolved away from that during these 2 years. We took a bold step and tried to deal with some major problems that we were facing in the running of the Cell Group system.

We wanted authenticity; we wanted to build a family; we wanted to build a church that is so strong in its pursuit of friendship that we decided to do away with the seemingly more programme based Cell Group System. We took away the rigidity of the 5Ws.

We also moved into our new building that we bought during these 2 years. It was a challenge indeed. The renovation, the loose ends at the old premises, my marriage, the big move, all came together at about the same time. I had a stretch of about 6 months without decent rest.

We moved from our last piece of rented property to our own building for Chrsitmas 2007. We cramped up 100++ people into a hall that could sit less than that amount for about 3 months. Every week we had to struggle and sometimes even had to hope that there will be absentees. What a way to run a church.

We had to cramp in the small hall because our main hall wasn't ready yet. We had not the time nor the money to do anything at that point in time. We needed about RM600k just for renovation itself and we could not muster enough financial power to do anything with the ability that we had. But God delivered. He gave us all we need. He even provided us with an in-house Interior Designer who was on site everyday. Me and him, we tackled everything that needed to be tackled. It was crazy. Literally crazy.

Once we thought that we could take our sweet time in making an impressive building renovation, the Big Boss suddenly gave us an impossible task; to do up the place in about 6 weeks. So we did everything in about 6 weeks. We laid out the cables, we put up the ceiling, we tiled the place, we rebuilt the toilets, we installed all the lights and air-conditioning, we did up the sound system, the projectors, the walls, the stage, stage lights, platforms, roof leaks solved, the gate, the whole works. Everything in 6 weeks. It must have took 4 project managers to see through this kind of task normally, but we only had 2 people; 1 totally inexperienced, the other had seen a few smaller projects. By the grace of God we got everything done up and the Big Boss came over on the 9th of March 2008 to consecrate this place. Spiritually set this place apart forever.

Then I led the Worship Team

2008-09-04T23:29:00.003+08:00

2006 was the year of struggle for me.

The church broke-through on its journey to picking itself up again. The original Worship Team Leader had left for the newly formed church about 2 years now, and the team is picking itself up again. The older members who stayed back have now been on over-time too much. A few small hurts here and there culminated into them dropping out one by one. First, our faithful sound-man started to pull away. Then, the drummer got into a relationship with the keyboardist, who left to NZ to further her studies, but she never came back, ending the relationship with the drummer. He couldn't take it and wanted to be left alone for a while, and in the end, never came back too.

The other leaders were sent to theological studies as most of the worship team leaders responded to full-time calling before or after they were made team leader. I too was like that. I led the team for a couple of months before I joined the full-time team.

In the end, 2 years after the break-off, the old regime has successfully faded away. Some of them are still in church, but not taking an active role anymore, some have totally drifted away slowly. There were only a handful of those who stayed who are still serving until today. I am one of them, and those who stayed back are my contemporaries. But only a handful survived until today. The original 'first-team' when I arrived has moved to the newly formed church and we were left to rebuild from scratch.

It took the 3 leaders before me sweat and blood to pave the way for me. Principles were upheld at the cost of a few misunderstandings, tempers flared because of inexperienced leadership, team talks were often and always ended in tears for a few people, but we made it through. We managed to re-build a team of worship musicians who were adamant in growing both musically and spiritually. I came into possession of a team that had talent, and I needed only to help them focus, and that is actually all I did.

I did that for about 2 years now, and God has called me once again to something else.

At last, I led worship...

2008-09-04T11:57:00.003+08:00

After waiting another 2 years or so, I led worship for the first time in FCC. Amidst the slump and the degradation of the church, our mother church decided that all future pastors to the church be sent to full-time theological studies in order that everyone who is given responsibility has been given proper grounding before-hand. That is why for the first 2 years after the break, we had no resident pastor. The staff team was required to hold the fort both in Administration and also in Pastoral ministry. The pastor who was sent to lead this church is now sent to study and only comes back during the weekends to preach.

During these 2 years, the leadership of the church suffered, and during these 2 years, we were all about adapting, not changing for the better. And adapt we did. The cells were made to run without much direction from the pastor, but everyone was committed. Those who stayed back during the aftermath were significantly more sturdy than any other. I tell you the truth. Any church member who can survive a break-off is so strong that the fella can, in the future, withstand almost anything.

So I had to focus on leading a cell without much direction from the top. Back then, Cell Supervisors took charge of all things. House blessings, counselling, stuff. We worked like mad during those days, especially those who just graduated and found their first jobs. The struggle was real, but our power and strength were not. It was supernatural in fact.

So it was only after the break-off that I started to move into a more leadership role. And only after my Cell Group settled down, meaning from 15 people dropping to a constant 5 people, sometimes 4, that the worship team started to regain its strength.

To tell you the truth, I was so disappointed in how the worship team ended up that I just forgot about leading worship altogether. I was resolved into playing the guitar for the rest of my life. Until one day, the team leader approached me and asked me to try and lead worship. For real, I had already lost it. I had no passion for music anymore. I just wanted to serve, as a guitarist.

But after a while, the initial calling came back to me and I remembered that I must also move on. That God did not give me this voice to keep quite. That I need to only avail myself for His service, and He will see me through.

So I led worship for the first time in FCC after about 4 years being here. It could've been 1 year, but God had other plans.

And I led a Cell Group

2008-09-03T20:00:00.002+08:00

The year was 2001 March/April-

Since most of the leadership went off to this newly formed church with the newly gone pastor, there was almost nothing left of the church. Those who stayed back were the ones who weren't that close to the pastor who left, and that means, secondary leadership in management terms.

Thus, I was called in to take the reins of a sinking ship. The leadership of so many of our Cell Groups had left, and brought their closest friends with them that we had to start over from nothing. Members were dropping like flies. Collateral damage, as it were.

New leadership started to emerge, but not without a price. There were some members who were so used to the leadership of the previous pastor that they too left after a while. So the church suffered 2 waves of negative growth. The first wave left together with the pastor, and there was a second wave that left after a few months. Some dropped by the way-side and were hurt by this dip in the church, some grew stronger, but some never came back to any church at all.

It was one of the darkest moments in our church life.

From 140 worshipers weekly, we dropped to about 60 per week. Cell Groups had to be merged in order to stay alive. Leaders were pushed up into the spotlight without much experience, and we gained our experience along the way, making mistakes that ultimately hurt ourselves and the people whom we cared for.

I had the unfortunate experience of 'loving' a cell member too much. She had been going out with a non-Christian at that time and I didn't have the tact to counsel her nor to talk to her. I only knew how to tell her what is wrong and right. And she proved to be my ultimate failure. She left the church, the cell and until today, I still look back with regret. I lost her because I was just too controlling. Although I did grow and learn from that experience, but there was a casualty. It still makes me sad that I did not shepherd her in a way that she could be won back. She became a person who would walk to church on a Sunday morning without complain, to a person who refused to come to church even if fetched. And I became a failure in showing love and compassion.

It was only after about 5 years after the first wave that we picked up ourselves as a church and regained our strength, becoming who were are today. Some of us still live under the trauma of the split, some still have not come back entirely; they are in church, but they are not the leader that they are supposed to be. Some have gave it their all, and maybe now, feeling the effects of burn-out.

(to be continued...)

So I joined the worship team...

2008-08-30T10:01:00.004+08:00

Since I just started to lead worship in KK while I was there for a year, I felt that I needed to serve. So I joined the worship team in FCC. In fact, I came to the practice on my first Tuesday. I travelled down from INTI Nilai to INTI Subang via the INTIBUS. That was the only direct route on anything. I would travel 45 mintues on the KLIA Dedicated Highway with 2 or 3 of my friends every Tuesday evening, do the practise and spend the night at the Pastor's apartment. Then early morning, at about 6am, a brother would send everyone who came down to INTI Subang to take the earliest INITBUS back to Nilai. It was crazy, but it felt right. I felt that I needed to serve and this was one of the places I came to grow in ministry and in serving.

The criteris was tough. I had to sit down and do nothing for about 3 months. It was called a probation period in which everyone was gauged on their serving attitude, their dedication to the church and to the team, their commitment to come every week, and all that. besides that also, we had to learn the songs that this new church was singing. It was not the same stuff as my previous church, and it was tonnes more hard to learn. But we did it anyway. We struggled through and we even cried sometimes, but we still kept going. There was no such thing as giving up.

From that point onwards, I became a guitarist. I used to lug my 12 string guitar up and down the INTIBUS just to play for God and the team. I just wanted to worship.

And then, not long after that, I became a main-stay and actually got to play every week. I wasn't the most talented, but I had a little bit of talent, so I improved a lot in that department. Until one point in time, that I felt I was ok with my guitar skills, and thus I told the team leader that I would like to venture into singing as well, with a view of leading worship one day.

I was well on my way to leading worship until suddenly, my worship team leader quit and joined a newly formed church...

(to be continued...)

Putting State of Affairs in Order

2008-08-26T10:06:00.002+08:00

It's been about 8 years plus since I have walked this land. There are good times and there are bad times. It's like in these 8 years, I have gone through a crash course on life, a preparation for things to come.

I still remember how I ended up here in the Klang Valley. It was a Thursday when we arrived as a group from INTI KK. The college sent and Indian dude on a huge bus to fetch about 6 people from the then quite newly built KL International Airport. Then off we went to INTI Nilai.

Even before I came here, I have been in contact with my old friend who has been going to this little church called Faith Christian Centre, or more fondly known as FCC. He was my drummer back in my hometown, and he's the drummer here in this new church that I am going to attend.

WE were open to anything at that time, and there was just this zeal to explore this huge new world - Klang Valley. So we travelled on my first ever train ride, the KTM Komuter from Nilai to Subang Jaya. Then we boarded the most expensive bus ride ever in my life; and I got a shock of my life back then. The bus driver, seemingly a Malay dude, just destroyed all my hard work in secondary school. Remember we were told that BM is the best language ever created in class? Remember we were told to use Bahasa Baku wherever we went? Remember how we struggled through BM classes and even went for extra tuition classes just so that our BM grades are good? Well, that was all shattered by just 1 sentence; I asked the driver, "Berapa untuk ke Sunway Pyramid?" and he answered, "Sixty Cents..."

If I were living in today's world I would've gone, "WTF!!??" I struggled through so many extra classes to improve my BM to get this? A Malay dude who's driving the bus, speaking to me in English? At that point I can't help but to think that I was conned by the Education System.

(to be continued...)

Pics of my new place...

2008-08-13T19:26:00.007+08:00

The view from my balcony...
There's a jaccuzi near the curve at the far end...

The master bedroom...
Attached toilet...

Room 2 facing the inside of the complex...
Room 1, facing the airpocket as you can see your neighbour...

Sorry as I seem to have lost the other pics... I remember taking them ,but somehow, it didn't get transferred to my comp...

Still any one interested?

And oh, after a few days of observation, the sun actually hits the house until about 6.30pm.. not 4pm as reported earlier...

Babbel, Babble, Babel, Babell...

2008-08-11T01:01:00.003+08:00

Whatever...

I feel that there's something not right with me if I can't churn up some mental diahhroea once a few days. So here I am, trying to write something...

Things with me fopr the past few days have been interesting and out of the ordinary to say the least. Work is work and it's every-increasing... Our vision says that we must be a church that is ever-growing in love for God and man, and maybe that's why our work is ever-increasing...

I'll be doing a fair bit of traveling in this month of August, thus, do expect posts to be not so frequent; not that it is frequent in the first place, but do expect more sporadic episodes.

Well, nothing new happened since the last post, and there are things also that I cannot write. So, yeah.. it's difficult when your life is an open book, but there are chapters in which people cannot have access to...

As for the new apartment, we are looking at the renovation and the fixing of the electricals. We hope to finish everything, the apartment made ready for Sept occupation.

So if you're interested, do give me a firm offer on the comments. RM1,300/month. Pics will come soon. I sent a photographer to help me snap a few pics, and the fellas who went fell in love with my unit... hhhmmm... that's not the point... The point is, Sony equipment is so incompatible with everything else that he pics will have to come next week or something...

Until then...

It's moving...

2008-08-07T11:16:00.003+08:00

There's news on my situation again, and I didn't expect it to come this fast.

I'll be clearer on what I'm going to do and where I'll be going soon enough. But let's not talk about this.

It's been quite some time since I've blogged in Hakka, but I'm not going back. There's nothing much to do now except to go into the gross details of the 'finer' words in the hakka language in which, I would cause a lot of people to sin with their tongues. Our tongues should be used to praise God, and thus, should not be used to utter words of Hakka-ness that may be detrimental to your spiritual health.

So, come what may, I'm having quite a good time so far. It's not been a bed of roses lately, but I'm not complaining. There's a good mix of hardship and of comfort right now. I'm struggling to keep a few things in check, but yet, I see a ray of light at the end of the dark tunnel. I'm slightly frustrated that I cannot work my way around my current limitations; limitations that I have no power to change, but I am fairly happy that God doesn't put me into a dead end. There's some risks involved, but it's not dangerous.

So, yeah.. I'm having a good struggle.. hopefully, I will be able to see some of the fruits of my labour.

As of now, the new apartment is nicely done, a few minor cosmetic flaws on the developer's part, but fairly built-up, unlike what the internet forums say. Maybe mine is on a lower floor where QC was still quite stringent. Hehe.. It's ironic y'know, that people pay much more for a unit in the higher floors, but the QC on the developer's part up there tends to slack.

Well, I am looking forward to reaping the rewards of my 2 hard years of labour and struggling with the installments. I'm renting the place out. If you're interested, drop me a comment.

SuriaMas Apartments (next to Ridzuan Condo)
1245 sq.ft.
4 Rooms - Master 12ft x 12ft c/w Bathroom / Room1 12ft x 12ft / Room2 12ft x 10ft / Room 3 12ft x 9ft (I think... I'm not very sure about R2 & R3, but it's not small at all.)

I'm renting it out as is, empty, for RM1,300/month. Bills not included.

There'll be ceiling fans in the Master, R1 & R2. R3 will have to rely on a stand fan. I will put up grills around all the entry points and there will be curtain raillings. If you need, I can provide a kitchen stove and kitchen cabinet.

If you want me to provide Fridge and Washing Machine, it'll be RM1,500/month.

How's about that? 4rooms for RM1,300... If you want a fair break-down, the Master should cost RM400 / R1 RM350 / R2 RM300 / R3 RM250. Mind you, the except for R3, all the other rooms can fit in 2 occupants comfortably.

So what say you? The place is huge, it's windy, it doesn't get hot until late afternoon, and by 4pm, you'd not see the sun anymore because the building in front of you blocks it. You get to see what's happening in the centre of the complex, swimming pool with jaccuzi, tennis court, badminton court, 2 parking spots... What else could you ask for?

HP Mini Notebook 2133 Review

2008-08-06T16:29:00.002+08:00

It's been almost a week now since I've bought my HP Mini. I think it deserves a review, just in case you guys are thinking of getting a small sized notebook.

First things first, performance wise, it's 'ok' for a complete notebook of its size. It's not Intel 2-Core, thus, multi-tasking may be a little too much to ask from it. Basic word processing and communication would be ideal. Haven't tried it on graphics yet, but then, with a screen that small, you'd be morbid if you bought it for graphics.

Although for its size, it really does pack a mighty punch as compared to it rivals, namely the Acer, and the ASUS, both of these minis don't come with a 120G HDD, and from what I learn, with good reason. The SATA HDD uses up much more energy much more faster. If you'd have a 8G Solid slate, then it'll use up less energy. My battery lasts for not more than 2 hours without music. However, that being said, I don't find it a hassle to bring around its mobile charger and adapter at all. Since the mini is so small, there's no hassle bringing its adapter charger around. I can put everything into my pouch bag and carry the mini around as if I'm carrying a Bible.

And speaking of small in size, I found it hard to purchase a bag that is suitable enough for my mini. It is as long as normal notebooks are wide, so if I bought a normal 15" notebook bag, I'd be bringing a lot of air around with me. Heck, even the manufacturers don't have bags this small. I had to cut the 14" slip-in bag that they gave me into half and stitch the thing back with my limited threading skills...

Connectivity is very much hassle-free as I can just plop it on my dinner table at any mall and I can do both things at the same time. However that being said, the battery life does come as a hassle if ever I spend more than 2 hours at the restaurant. I might need to buy the 6-battery pack soon as a back-up for traveling and all that, since I got so much space inside my bag... Hehe..

As for looks, it is great! I love the whole build-up of the thing. Sleek on the outside, user friendly on the inside. I'm already having slight trouble keeping my stubby fingers on the right keys on this 95% : actual size keyboard, imagine how much more difficult it'll be if I had bought the Acer/ASUS that comes with keyboards so small that I might as well type with my pinky!

As for heat, the thing can and will burn your balls if you used it as a lap-top, however, the problem can be solved with a certain RM10.90 dish strainer that you can buy from any french hypermart near your house. Scandinavian breakfast-in-bed trays are also useful, but much more expensive...

I guess that's all for now...

And oh, I got the keys to my new apartment dy...

Wanna rent anyone? Nice owner, good negogtiator welcomed.

Been thinking quite a lot lately...

2008-08-05T12:00:00.002+08:00

Yeah.. It's like I'm getting stuff into my head every other day...

Maybe it's the 40-Day Fast and Prayer thingy that's been going around. NECF has really packed up a punch into the RM1.5o booklet. It's been speaking to me and my devotion mates everytime we gather around the table during the mornings.

Today, we prayed for the churches. It's adamant that some churches are more 'famous' than others. Some try to emulate, and some try to avoid. But it is not in any of God's interest to see who's church is better or more famous. It is God's agenda that all should share the gospel.

It's saddening to see some churches focusing much of their time in trying to steal other church's members. Some try to hard to keep their own members from other churches that they forget their call is to preach the gospel; not maintaining the members' attendance!

So, it has been a wake up call for me. I have been called to cater to our sister churches' members who are moving into the Klang Valley to study, but that should not be our main focus. What I am doing is just maintenance whereas I should be doing advancements. But that being said, the harvest is always plentiful, but the workers... the workers are quitting sometimes... sigh...

So wake up all those who read this. It is one thing to invite a friend to your church, but it is totally another to ask a committed church going person to jump from his church to yours just because yours is better. For if you do that, you do not have the mind of God, but the mind of evil men.

Oh, Happy Day...

2008-08-03T23:30:00.002+08:00

My new toy:

Mini Des: HP Mini 2133

So yeah...

2008-07-30T15:01:00.002+08:00

These few days, a lot has been going on my mind. Some of them are regretful, some has shone some light into my life. So this post would possibly be a start and stop kind of post. So prepare for a fragmented story.

I learnt that retirement is not for a person to sit back and relax. That is way far too meaningless. I have a feeling that the age of retirement is meant for the senior citizens to take a rest from work, and also share their knowledge. Far too many senior citizens stay at home rotting away when they can be the guiding light for so many youngsters out there. There is a vicious cycle out there. Youngsters think that senior citizens are out of date, obsolete, and thus, throw them into the nether regions of their focus. They go on making their mistakes, bumping into walls that has already been dealt with generations ago. How much would they have learned and avoided if they had spent some time listening to the oldies. And the senior citizens, being out-paced by the youngsters, feel that they are useless, and they live a useless existence. Far be it from me that I will creep into retirement and exist as a who's use-by date has passed. Being retired means that you have time on your hands to improve your surroundings. Being retired means that you have the mandate of looking into things that the youngsters are doing, and teach them some valuable experience-gained knowledge!

My life has been lived with more purpose as I see what lies ahead of me. Some quarters are sad that I have made up my mind on my next step in life. I was in a situation whereby I could go anywhere, and I could do anything. I just needed to find some purpose in what I was going to do. But now, I see the light. Some who are closest to me feel that it's a waste that I won't be around, some feel that life would be more difficult, but all I can say is that I have found purpose. I am the person who cannot live without purpose. If I had no purpose in doing the thing that I was doing, then I would rather not do it at all. I could have found a job here and worked for the money, but that would be meaningless. I could've continued in what I was doing, but I'd be redundant in time. I could've gone some place else, but that too would be meaningless. I think I have now found my purpose. That is to change this nation from its roots.

My boss told me about an observation from a Bishop's wife that he met a while ago. She said that in today's education system, kids are treated equally, which we feel that there is nothing wrong. But subliminally, we find that there is something that is not so right. Girls are taught together with boys in every aspect. This has actually made girls more like boys and boys more like girls. Imagine the shock of their lives after they leave secondary school and find out that as girls, they have to deal with childbirth and motherhood! And boys, they are not taught how to be real men, how to be the decision maker, how to be the protector and lover of his wife! I am starting to get fed-up with boys who cannot even deal with the slightest problem in the house like changing a light bulb!

That's all...

Not so Hakka this time...

2008-07-24T23:24:00.002+08:00

It's been some time since my mind have churned up any form of mental diahorrea (however that's spelt) now.

But I've been thinking and I've been some sort of enlightened; that a kernel must first die to itself and fall to the ground in order for God to cause it to grow. Imagine if you have a faith a big as a mustard seed, and all you've got to do is to dare to die to yourself, and you will see that God will indeed make you grow into a marvelous tree where birds of the air make their nests.

I've been challenged to do a few things now before the end of my time. It's been beckoning now. But let's not talk about it.

One of the things is to build a totally new team from a handful of people who are committed, but lacked a bit of direction.

The other is to learn how to delegate. I understand that not everyone can do everyone else's job. But some really can take it and even take it up a notch from where his predecessor left off. Some will take the ship, and steer it in a totally different direction, causing some of the ship's men to abandon ship, or even worse, mutiny. Whereas some totally cannot take the ship's steering at all. Such is the weird gifting of God, that not everyone is made the same, and there's no such thing as a perfect substitute.

I am struggling within my heart in this because maybe I refuse to believe that there is no perfect substitute. I believe that God can change lives. I believe in the God of miracles; that He will not let His church suffer even though some seeds must fall to the ground and die and some seeds will be carried off to other places by the birds who eat of the tree's fruit.

Then, you might ask, what about the tree? I say that the tree will still be there until God uproots it. It will continue to grow at the rate that God has willed for it to grow, and it will continue to do God's will for as long as God wants it to.

Sovereignty of God vs Free Will? There's no such thing as free will. God is the creator of all things; do you think He wouldn't know how the mafia operates? hehehe... just a joke... no lightning please... God truly does not force you to do things out of your will. You can always choose to run away from God's will. But beware of the consequences. Take Jonah for example, he ran when God called him to preach to some barbarians. He feared for his life. But God then showed him that God is much more greater than death or life. And by that episode, he saw the miracles of God, and after knowing that God will see him through, not by his own power, he at last willingly goes and does God's will. God did not force him like a slave driver, but He shows Jonah His power to assure him that He will take care of him as long as he does His will. Kapish?

So, unto you I shall then ask, what did I just say?

That the time will come when all things will fall to the ground and die. And a new sprout will shoot forth from the death, thus creating new life. And I am the seed, you are the sprout.

For all things must come to an end,
Not that we can't be friends,
Although we might not be together,
It doesn't mean we can't be forever.

Let's be a bit spiritual today...

2008-07-22T00:29:00.002+08:00

Gam Chia Shong Di...

Ngo mun choi ten shong did fu, nga diu man sim gam chia Ngi che been nga diu choi toi song did seet vut. Kiu Ngi ya che been nga diu hoi seem gai loi hiong siu Ngia gai enn den. Gan yong kee kiu hae foong Nga seen zhu Ya Su Gee Duk gai miang yee kiu. A-men.

Muahahahaha.... Have fun...

For the Benefitment of the Gloriousness of Hakkaness Nations

2008-07-16T14:09:00.002+08:00

Hi, and welcome to the latest installment of the wonderful and glorious world of Hakka-ness.

Today we will, as promised, look into the more flowery words in the Hakka Language, which we love so much. As Victor has suggested 'Da Ngong Siong', I shall go back to the roots of a few words so that you may understand Hakka-ness better.

Let the lesson begin;

Ngong ~ to depict a person of low mental capacity, whether at the particular moment or permenantly. For example; 'Tai Ngong' would mean you are no less than a big fool. Other forms of usage includes a certain L word inserted in between Tai and Ngong.

Ngiok ~ literally means weak. The word carries no other subliminal meaning, just weak.

Ngiet ~ that is to refer to something being temperately hot.

Ngiak ~ to depict boredom. For example; Ngia jak party NGIAK dau see gai, tee bai mm loi loh.

So to cap off this lesson we will try to put all the words into 1 string of words;

Ai tiau tai ngong jeen hae mm hiau gai woh. Ngiok dau see gan yoong ngee gai dung see du mm hiau. Ngiak see ngai loh ngia hang ga ngiet.

I'm back...

2008-07-12T03:32:00.002+08:00

After about a week back in my hometown of Sandakan, I come back feeling even more confused and even more tired. All I did back there was to eat, eat and eat. The pros and cons of having two mums now is that you need to be political and be diplomatic with both. Tell me, what would you do when both of them wants you at their house for dinner? The filial son would inadvertently eat both dinners!

So now, since I'm back and as I have experienced a whole new refreshing experience in my hometown, I would now proceed to talk about a few things that I have learnt from my relatives whilst I was back there. And talking about relatives, my wife's grandma passed away on the day we were due to go back... Saddening in a sense that we didn't get to meet her before she moved on, but relieved that she has indeed moved on because she's been struggling with sickness for some time now...

Back to Hakka-ness;

Today's lesson would have to be 'Ngia Tiu!'

Ngia Tiu ~ An expression to depict impossibility; literally translated as 'Your Head Lah!'

So when someone tells you that Celkom is giving out 30% discounts, your prescribed reaction to that before you lose your bet would be 'Ngia tiu! Seet Long Mi ah ngee, ngai yoong hoi gan giu ten wa du mau kon goh an yong gai dung see.'

Until then, it's getting late...

And oh, I've gotten myself a new phone... Got it for cheap... I'm a happy guy so far...

5th Installment of the Benefitment of the gloriousness of the Hakka-ness...

2008-07-04T23:41:00.004+08:00

Dear All,

Jin hae mm hau yi suu, I said that the previous post was the 3rd installment, but it was in fact the 4th... Anyhow, at your level, you do not need to know all that stuff anyway, so...

This lesson shall be about the term 'Ngai Sat' as suggested by IsaacGrass.

It is a totally meaningless expression whereby you can use it as much as you like, as frequent as you like, for as many times in your sentence as you like.

Take for example, Ka Seng was walking through a street where he meets with a rabbid dog (bot zi giu) and he is at his own liberty to utter the words 'Ngai Sat' followed by anything else he likes to describe the incident. "Ngai Sat, ngia tiau ngai sat kai bot zi giu zhin hae bin gii hak xxx dau, ngai sat kee hau gong! Ngai Sat!

If you would really want to know how it's spelt, Ngai would be the term used to refer to ones self, and Sat would (i think) mean kill. So Ngai Sat would (I feel) be translated as 'I kill' or the more English equivalent, 'Blimey!'

As you can see, Ngai Sat can be tonnes more vulgar than the English term of Blimey!

So there you have it, one more point for the vulgarity of Hakka and Hakka-ness.

Glorious be to the Benefit of Hakka-ness!

From now until when I say so, I shall be taking a break from teaching you guys the wide and vulgar world of Hakka-ness. So the female terms shall have to wait a while...

Since I'm in a good mood...

2008-07-03T23:39:00.002+08:00

Bot Ngia Tai Lang, Zhoong Ngia Fan Su!

Now this is a term that is used to express a lot of things. Very difficult to translate, very difficult to explain. But since I'm in a good mood...

Normally, when you meet with utter frustration, like when you asked someone to do something very simple for you, and the fella fails, you are accorded the license to utter this phrase. It is not something pleasant to say, nor is it something that you should be proud of. Especially if you're on the receiving end of it.

Bot Ngia Tai Lang, literally translated means to go get a shivering cold. As to why this phrase came about, I'd have to dig up my great-grandparents from the grave and ask them. Even that too might not result in having the truth. But at your level of proficiency in this 3rd installment, you do not need to know that much. What can I say, we're Hakka, we're vulgar, and we're proud of it... well, sometimes not so proud, but still...

Zhoong Ngia Fan Su is easier to translate. Literally, it means to go plant yourself a sweet potato. Some have even suggested that the words 'Fan Su' is an extrapolated implication of your father.

So, as it goes, Bot Ngia Tai Lang, Zhoong Ngia Fan Su would come together and mean this; You are so useless that you might as well go bury your father.

Packs a punch innit?

It calls you stupid at the beginning, and curses death upon your father at the end.

So, yeah.. I hope you've learnt something more about Hakka-ness and you would have benefited by this entry. But if I hear you quote me on this, I'm leaving the conversation.

Maybe next week, I'll talk about the female forms of the Hakka language, and all its flowery flowing phrases that can be accompanied by it.

Seet Long Mi

2008-07-02T12:03:00.002+08:00

Ngiu diu ban kiu jin hae seet long mi ai lah!

Who told you guys that the expression is Seet Loh Mi?

Seet Long Mi is an expression that you have just wasted whatever rice that has been put into your stomach. In other words, you have failed to live up to your expectations as a human being.

And how true is that that you guys have commented on my previous post asking me to give you the low down on Seet LOH Mi; Loh mi is glutinous rice and there's nothing wrong with eating glutinous rice if all you want is a hard piece of crap bulging out of your anus. The correct term of expression is Seet LONG Mi, which means you have wasted (Long Fui) the rice that have been used to feed you until today.

This expression is normally used by parent to scold the child when the child did something wrong, or something exceptionally stupid. Like what I am doing here;

Ngia dui ban kiu jin hae SEET LONG MI gai loh, gan yeong gai dung si du hiau gong cho!

Gloriousness of Hakkaness Lesson 2

2008-06-24T03:11:00.004+08:00

The barbaric lesson in Hakkaness part 2:

Verb; Puik Tiok Sat! ~ A phrase that is used during extreme circumstances of coldness to describe ones feelings towards the issue or person.

eg. When you are talking to someone about the price increase and that the government is doing nothing to help the people, you highlight to your friend that the ministers are also doing their part by reducing their entertainment expenses by a couple of hundred bucks per month. Seeing it as total bull-crap, your Hakka friend may choose to exclaim "Puik Toik Sat!" in all its glory as a notion that he does not at all agree with what the newspapers are saying.

If you remember the previous lesson, your Hakka friend might even say, "Puik Tiok Sat, ngi yin vui nga diu jin hae an xxx chun meh, Giu du Emm Seet, Kai du Emm Diong lah!"

Thank you for listening and do stay tuned for our next installment of "For the Benefitting of the Glorious Nation of Hakka-ness.

I don't know...

2008-06-21T00:01:00.001+08:00

Call it unwillingness, call it phobia, call it what you want, but I really don't know what to do now...

I've been thinking...

2008-06-17T18:35:00.002+08:00

I haven't been thinking for quite some time now. Maybe it's because of the nature of my work, which is at an executive level whereby I only execute plans as ordered by my boss. But now, it seems that I have restarted to use my brain a bit more. And it's no fun at all. I mean, when I think about things, I really think about things until I don't sleep. Thus, I'm on the physically and mentally tired side of the energy spectrum.

I'm struggling with my vocation. I am struggling with what I want to do with my life. I am struggling with following my heart or my head. I am struggling to make ends meet. I am struggling to put sense into all this. I am struggling to make a decision that will ultimately determine where I will be come 20 years down the road.

I am questioning if God will change His will for me in my life. And why would I have received a 'prophecy' that has so directly challenged what my heart wants to do? Why is it that I have to weigh whether God is moulding me to be this or that? I am questioning that if God is the God of History, then wouldn't He be in the future as well? Cannot be that He will give me a run on a wild-goose chase, and then tell me that He wants me to do exactly what He didn't want me to do?

But then, if feelings were anything to go by, then I would say that I am enjoying doing something that God has said exactly I would not be doing.

If then spirituality were to be adhered to, and if I choose to do what I enjoy, I would be going against God's will in my life?

So many questions, so much confusion.

I am so confused with my situation now that I don't know how to start by telling others. I am suffering from so many complications that I don't even know what is the root of all these problems anymore.

I am in a situation where I cannot see what possibly lies ahead. The waves are crashing in on me, pushing me forward to what seems to be destruction. But then, if I hold on to the promises of God, I know He won't let me down. But then, by the prophecy He has given me, I am going against His will if I continue to do what I enjoy.

I know I've been writing in vague and undefined terms. In time I will be able to reveal all. Just bear with me and listen to this struggling heart.

I just hope that God won't let me struggle for much longer.

I need to see the ray of light at the end of the tunnel.

I need to see hope.

I need to know...

For Benefitting the Glorious Nation of Hakka-ness

2008-06-16T12:11:00.005+08:00

We were having dinner one day with friends and since Asians don't know how to have proper meals, a one-and-a-half hour dinner will inadvertently turn into a big fat joke where people will try to degrade others at the table just for laughs sake. If you haven't noticed, the only time Chinese people can have a proper dinner is when tonnes of food are at the table. And that too, most of us will munch down everything that's provided, go home bloated and gluttoned, having demeaned almost everyone at the table either with racist remarks, untastely jokes, or lame remarks.

That's the Malaysian Chinese Dinner Culture.

So, there was dinner. Tonnes of food on the buffet line, and what do the Chinese do? They take a big chunk of everything, gobble it up in 10 minutes, and sit around trying to talk about the sun, moon stars and the sky.

And we were happily being the barbaric Hakka (Hakka is a rather major Chinese dialect) people that we were, we were talking with our usual vulgarity. Don't get me wrong, we do not mean wrong, but we just somehow manage to sound wrong. Even making a joke would sound like we're angry at something.

So the question about a few terms came up like Ngat Chau. Translated literally it means to chew on grass (not that type of grass!) but the real grass. It was meant to be a racist remark where I come from, and many people don't know this because of our local context. From where I come from, boat people from the neighbouring country would always come into the town and create social problems for us. So we would refer to them in the most degrading term we can find. That's how we are; Barbaric. Not all of us think like that now, but it doesn't mean that our grandparents share the same sentiment. So, yeah... That's what Ngat Chau means. It means that these people are so useless and seen upon with such disgust that we refer to them as something that is no better than something that chews on grass.

And I write this just so that people understand our culture. Not that I agree with the use of the word, but I would like for others to know a bit more about our culture.

Then there is Kiu du Mm Seet, Kai du Mm Diong. That's gonna take my whole life to try and translate and contextualise... Ask Victor about it. I don't wanna get involved in this...

The Un-understandable God?

2008-06-14T01:21:00.002+08:00

All of us have a question that we want to ask God the most. Even the person who is an atheist would have something that he must ask someone or, dare I say it, something higher about.

I am at this point in time that even the skeptics will ask whether there is any meaning at all in trusting God.

I know that some of us are debating whether God is real or not. Some are finding it hard to believe that God allows suffering. Some are trying to find ways to trust in God more, and some are just trying to disprove the 'concept' of 'God'.

I always have to challenge myself by taking a good look at the things that only God can make. Like the glorious sunshine, the moon that gives light to the night, but not too bright, the sea that rolls to shore without fail, the creatures that live in it, up to the flower that blooms today and gone tomorrow.

These things man can only imitate.

Most of us who live in the city only see man-made marvels that we tend to forget that there is a God who is greater than anything else. The creator of ALL things, the originator, the Alpha and Omega. The One who is at the beginning and the end.

Then I look at myself and ask, "Why has He called me to the situation I am in right now?"

What is he trying to do? Why give me something, and take it away? Why give me a blessing in disguise, then turn it into an affliction? Why am I serving Him but not much has improved in my life? Why did I sacrifice so much but yet I see no return? Why give me enjoyment in serving Him, but then make it difficult for me at the same time?

I am still at the crossroads. I need an answer. Where shall I go from here?

Sleepless

2008-06-12T00:43:00.003+08:00

It's been sometime now since I've had the time to stay sleepless in KL. But now that my day off is on Monday, and I'm mostly smashed-up over the weekend, I find that I can't take my day offs like I used to. I like to very much not sleep in the night and sleep in till late in the afternoon. But now, since I'm too tired to even stay up for my day off, I find it difficult to do anything that I like.

For instance, I like to cruise on the highway when there are no cars on the road. Somehow it's just a very liberating feeling. Me and my car, no complaints, no one to talk to, no one to take care of, just me and my sports car wannabe. Vroom vroom. Now I can't.

I also like to go to mamak stalls in the middle of the night, sit down and have a warm cup of teh tarik. All by myself. Sometimes, a friend or two would be nice, but most of the time, I'd choose to have it on my own.

Or walks in the silence of the night. Just a casual stroll, feeling the mid-night breeze, trying to gaze into the sky. It just brings about a feeling of peace. That somewhere out there, God is in control. Makes me feel so small, so in need of God. We're being surrounded by man-made things sometimes we forget that God is greater than all these. No one tallest building can compare with the complexity of making a single flower grow and bloom. No satellite in the sky can compare with the profound mystery of how the earth stays in its orbit.

And here I am, sitting in front of a man-made product trying to glorify God. How profound.

And yes, Shaneil, I'm back...

to the victor, the spoils...

2008-06-11T16:32:00.002+08:00

Since each man cannot be perfect, and even if one tries to achieve perfection, one will never be truly perfect in man's eyes. So the underlying question is, why do we even try anyway?

Since everyone has their own perception of what perfection should be, then it is safe to say that if there are 6Billion people in this world, there would be 6Billion differing views on what is perfection.

And if there are so many people who think differently about that same ONE word, then why do we even try to achieve it? and how would we be able to achieve it?

Only 1 Question...

2008-06-10T17:57:00.001+08:00

How does a person become perfect when everyone's idea of perfection differs?

Too Much...

2008-06-06T21:15:00.002+08:00

It was until today I realised how much this job has taken a toll on me when I failed to know what my wife wanted for her birthday. I have already saw the date coming from a week ago. I wanted to plan for it, I wanted to try and get her something, I cracked my head, and then, until this very evening, I still don't know what she wants. Then it dawned upon me that we have not been spending enough time together. I work during the weekends, she takes her time-off during the weekends. During the weekdays when I am free, she'll be busy with her work.

I have come to realise that I don't know what is her favourite food anymore, I don't know what's her favourite flavour of doughnuts, I don't even know if she still likes secret recipe cakes. In general, all I know equals to about nothing.

This tells me that maybe it is really time to go.

For Sale: Consolidation

2008-06-03T01:49:00.003+08:00

Hear ye, hear ye...

I am hereby putting my old guitars up for adoption by worthy hands. Reason being, I want to buy a new guitar that comes with a built-in pick-up and tuner.

So, who's up for it? Drop me a message in the comments box:
Terms: Highest bidder gets the deal if uncontested after 3 days.

First:
My 1996 Yamaha 6-String F330. Made in Indonesia. Asking price, RM300. Sound is warm and seasoned. Solid top (I think) with verneer back. Minimal bumps and scratches. Original condition; no modifications.

Other views:
Second:

My 1998 Yamaha 12-String FG412-12. Made in Taiwan. Asking price RM400. Slightly worn-out frets on the top of the neck and a bulging bridge at the bottom which makes the action slightly higher. A couple of prominent bumps and scratches on top and side.

Other views:

Third:
Intelli Chromatic Tuner IMT-900. Clip-on tuner, made in Korea (if I remember correctly). Used for 2 years without problems. Green backlight. Asking price RM50.

All prices negotiable.

Interested, drop a comment and all replies will be through the comment box as well.

LoooOOOooooOOOoooong Time No See

2008-05-30T20:57:00.003+08:00

Hi!

It's been so long that I almost forgot the URL to my own blog!

Well, like what they say, a man without any grouse is a man who needs not blog. Besides, with facebook so rampant nowadays, who needs to blog anymore? Life is just so open and transparent to everyone online. Just that people need to log on to the net to know who you 'really' are; Cause in real life, I would ask, "How's things?" and you'd go, "Good..." Then when I read your blog/facebook page/friendster, you don't look so great.

So yeah, I'm dealing with a generation who tells you one thing in person and say a totally different story online.

But that's not why I'm here.

I'm here because I'm at the crossroads of my life again. And only now I feel that I am free to talk about it online. Cause previously, I can't publish such information about my life here in my blog. I have a reputation and an image to upkeep in real life y'know.

Yes, I said crossroads. Like all journeys, my current road has somewhat come to another pitch fork junction. Or should I say that I have came back to the junction before I went into full-time, looking at that same junction where I kind of took a detour almost 2 years ago. I feel that my work in church is done, and my services are no longer needed on a full-time basis. I have given it my all, I have tried it all, I have seen almost all that I needed to see. Now, perhaps it is time to see different things.

In my time, I have set-up new ministries, I have helped build a church, I have turned into a rather people person, I have helped develop a new way of doing things, I have gotten married, I have fully understood the meaning of 'The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away', I have challenged the laws of physics by climbing up the second tier of scaffolding to change a busted bulb, I have driven to a whole lot of places that I would normally wouldn't have gone, I have experimented with music, I have led worship through ups and downs, I have seen people grow in their spiritual life, and I have also seen people fade away, I have been tested to my physical limits, I have been tested to my mental limits, and I am being tested now to my spiritual limits.

But all of that, as the apostle Paul had said, I count as nothing. The road ahead of me is still a blur. I roughly know where to go, but I don't see a clear path.

So all I can do is pray. And ask of you to pray for me.

Passion Cry

2008-03-20T22:59:00.003+08:00

It's Maundy Thursday... the day where Christ demonstrated God's ultimate love to mankind...

Today is the day whereby Christ faced His final temptation as a man. He knew that His betrayers are coming toward Him. He purposefully spent 3 hours praying in the garden of Gethsamane, waiting for Judas to come back with His captors. During these 3 hours, you could only imagine the stuff that's going through His mind, whether to hide from His captors, to run away, to fight, or to wait for God's will to be fulfilled.

And today, of all days, I was tested beyond what I expected. My patience was tested from the earliest of episodes for the day, my temper button was pushed, my composure was destroyed. Just because of a bunch of people who know no better, who were mis-informed, who were not taught did the unthinkable.

And it is only after the entire ordeal that I came back into the privacy of my room and contemplate that I see how petty all that was...

At Long Last...

2008-03-18T06:04:00.002+08:00

It's done... well most of it...

I haven't been writing cause I was just too busy to sit down.

A week after my marriage, I went back to my hometown to do a banquet. Then straight after, I went into a Youth Camp. Then as soon as I came back to Sunway, I had to pack my things at the office and move to the new site.

Then from that point onwards, it was day upon day of renovation handling. At long last, the building is ready. There are a few minor things here and there that needs to be done, a few holes that need to be plastered over again, a few details that have been postponed, and some new things that have yet to be installed.

Then just as I thought that there was time for a breather, the challenge came in. A challenge to beef up office efficiency and a challenge to work harder...

Today is the first day off that I have really had for quite a few months now... So I'm just gonna take it in... stay up late... and sleep in until late tomorrow...

Until then, don't say I didn't update my blog...

I just did...

Happily Ever After?

2007-11-27T13:48:00.000+08:00

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~ Socrates

So far, so good... If I wrote any more, you'd think otherwise...

Hopefully will be able to update with photos soon.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

On another note, what I learnt from this life's chapter is that you need to give until it hurts if you want it to be meaningful.

The wedding went fine. The ceremony was good. Food was good as well. The whole thing was flawless except for the fact there were a few nerves during the ceremony itself, but I think everyone went home happy.

It's only after the ceremony that everything settled down. And it's still not settled as yet. More decisions to be made, more things to worry about, and more things to do.

Life's tough on a few ends right now, but I believe we'll pull through.

Pre-marital Thoughts

2007-11-22T01:15:00.000+08:00

I know most of you who isn't married are wondering this:

What goes on in the head of a person who's gonna get hitched in 2 days?

Well, to be frank, it's all about worrying if everything will fall into place.

I've given out invites to those whom I thought should be invited, but some of them aren't around, but then, some people would just pop-up and you will have to fill-in their names into the guest list no matter what.

So, always remember to order more food just in case. I gave out about 150 invites to friends and family, and of course, there'd be some who won't be able to make it. But then, out of no-where, you'd be dealt with a few who'd just suddenly pop-up. So I am just slightly anxious of the actual turn-out on the day. I ordered food for 200pax, and normally speaking, there'd be enough to go around for about 220pax. But then, you'd never know...

The other things include the taking care of relatives. Everyone has their own qualms, comments, wants and needs. It's indeed difficult to take care of both sides of the family, especially that all of them are not locals from KL.

Then there's the expenses bit that needs to be looked after. I can't spend too much on everything or I'll end up busting my budget. Although there should be enough juice to go around, it's not cause for spending. But there's so many things in my life that needs to be renewed, it's not a surprise that I have spent quite a lot on myself, getting new clothes and all that. And all that costs money.

Well, money's been pouring in as well even before the actual day itself. Friends and family who won't be coming have already been givin out ang-pau's as a token to the both of us. But we'd already promised ourselves not to touch that money until all is tallied up and taken count of.

Then there's this expectations issue. When people you invite have certain expectations on you, you have only 2 choices: Listen or Hear. Well, that's the trick apparently, a trick that my friend just taught me the other day over dinner. There are things that you need to listen and react to immediately. And then there are things that you just need to hear. So sometimes to best course of action is no action. Deep and profound, but it'll save lives. Well, rule of thumb is, the lesser the expectations, the lesser the disappointment.

So, T-2 days.

I'm partailly ready, the apartment is ready, the hotel rooms are ready, the people are ready, the money is ready, the venue is ready... The caterers, will have to be careful...

We'll just have to sit back and see what happens.

When it comes, it comes.

Whatever will be, will be.

Crunch Time

2007-11-17T11:32:00.000+08:00

Yes, I don't know why, when crunch time comes, it comes with greatest magnitude.

Not only am I going to be busy with my wedding, I am also now called to be busy in a lot of other things at work. Suddenly, I have became a trainer for a course, I have also been called to do more of ministry, and also I have to do some things for some friends.

Sigh...

Why is it that when busy-ness comes, it really gets busy?

Boosting?

2007-10-10T12:27:00.001+08:00

Yeah...

I just love Malaysia...

My girlfriend got into some car trouble yesterday by locking her keys inside the car. The tricky thing was, she always brings both sets of keys with her just in case situations like this happened, and to our horror, at that particular time, she had both keys locked inside her car; one still stuck in the ignition on stand-by, and the other was in her bag.

Well, people make mistakes. So I don't blame her. She was tired and all that, just after work.

So, what could the boyfriend do under such circumstances?

I tried to do what any sensible man would do and try what they did in the movies.

So up I went to my office, where she came to find me, and got myself a stainless steel ruler and tried to jack open the door. Mind you, it was the longest one you could find in the market. Yes, you said it right, a 1 meter stainless steel ruler.

And since this incident happened in Malaysia, I didn't have to meet any trouble at all while I was shoving that piece of metal up and down aside her window. And since it was my first time trying this stunt, I was there, trying to figure out where the latch is and I tried for about 5 - 10 minutes before I felt I hit something. I tried two doors even. Then after I found the spot, it just clicked open effortlessly! You should try it out. It's that easy. Now if you'd ask me, I'd do it in less than 30 seconds I guess. So yeah. It's THAT easy to unlock a car from the outside. Even a noob like me can figure it out by flicking the steel ruler around.

So, now I don't know if I should marvel at the ease of the whole stunt, or should I marvel at how come I was doing all that, for about 10 minutes, under a brightly lit, road side parking, beside a busy main road, opposite a 3-storey diner, and no one came and confronted me? Nor has the police contacted me nor my girlfriend yet over the possible loss of our car to car jackers? The only attention we garnered was 2 passer-by girls, who stopped their car to look at what I was trying to do, but they made no notion of it.

And I should be proud to add that Malaysia is such a free country; so free that I can freely use a steel ruler to unlock my car without getting into any form of trouble whatsoever.

So... Welcome to Malaysia beb.

Married?

2007-10-04T00:16:00.000+08:00

Preparing for a marriage isn't something that's superly nice to do. One of the biggest dillemas you'll go through will be the guest list.

I still haven't finalised the guest list until today. It's not that I don't know who I am inviting, but it's just difficult to invite some, but not invite others. Then there's the part where you know the boyfriend, but you're not that close with the girlfriend...

Then there's the mixed reactions of the people whom you invite; "Bomb nih!!" when they receive your invite, or "So that's how he values our friendship", when not invited. Or those which are even worse, which goes, "Huh? I also don't know we are that close..."

Then there's the problem of inviting couples as couples or as individuals.

There's also a problem in inviting groups whereby if I invite the whole group, some new members of the said group might not even know who I am...

Then there's the problem of how to send out the invites...

A lot of trouble just to get married I tell you...

Battle Cry

2007-09-28T01:04:00.000+08:00

Yes... I can hear it... and why was I so stupid not to see it earlier...

It's about time stuff came back to haunt us, it's about time the enemy takes a swipe at us, and it's about time to be calling the whole church to pray earnestly for the new building project.

What'dya think, that the evil guy will just roll over and let us build this thing easily?

Of course not...

So yeah, everyone who reads this shall be fore-warned... We are approaching the battlefield. Attacks have been felt, and the opposition will only grow stronger.

So take heart. Do not lose focus of your goals in Christ. Do not let the evil one play with your emotions, toy with yoru weaknesses, and get your life into turmoil.

This reminds me that I have to get my act back on track and soon too...

Checklist:

1. Pray for the leaders individually
2. Pray for protection over property
3. Pray for focus
4. Pray for God to be sovereign in all this

Weirdness..

2007-09-25T11:38:00.000+08:00

It was weird i tell you.

I woke up, as usual, and I grabbed my crowing phone. Then, even before the snooze kicked in, I was awaken by my own sweat. It was weird. It's early in the morning, the sun wasn't even shining, and I was waking up bathing in my own sweat?

There's something wrong I tell yas...

What's next?

2007-09-22T10:49:00.000+08:00

I seem to be the person who cannot sit still doing the same thing my whole time. I wonder what kind of career would suit me the best. My girlfriend just told me that she's good at implementing systems at work, and would most probably suit best in doing jobs that are to me super mundane.

So, I guess that is why I keep on asking myself, "What's next?"

Well, sometimes, in life, there is no 'Next'. I sat up from my attempt to go to sleep last night, asking myself, "So now, I've done all this. I can see the foreseeable, but that's not far enough. "What's next?"

But I guess I am made this way, to keep on asking myself what will be next. And after that? and thereafter? I guess I work better that way.

All I can say now is that only God knows what's next. Me, I can only hope that I am on the right track. I hope that I have not deviated from God's plan for me in my life. But then, I won't know until the appointed time that God will reveal to me.

So, it's actually killing me that I can't determine 'What's next' in my life.

Updates

2007-09-21T11:23:00.000+08:00

So yeah... Life's ok thus far.

We've got the consent to have our wedding in the present church building. We've asked for an extension of the rental agreement, and we'll have this place until 31st Dec. So that's good news. And that means I can actually go about printing my invites.

Oh... We'vechosen our wedding rings too, but we haven't bought them yet cause the retailer who sells it didn't have our sizes. My only concern is that there might need to be an everyday ring for me because I'm used to carrying things around and I am rather rough with my fingers. So there's this huge possiblity that I might squash and break the ring. So, I am mulling over whether to get myself something that I can wear on an everyday basis on my finger, and possibly hang my wedding ring on a chain. So, yeah... that's one of the things that's going on in my mind right now.

I guess that's all for now.

Epiphany?

2007-09-18T02:04:00.001+08:00

Erm... yeah... no big-boobed-american-indian-lady-guide though...

But yeah.. I was living life as I would do, struggling to keep everything in check, monitoring some issues regarding two of my friends, getting jobs done, last minute works, cover ups for my colleague and it suddenly hit me.

1. I can't do stand up comedy to save my life

2. People love me for my perfections, because I set myself up perfectly as a public figure, but only my girlfriend loves me for my imperfections.

And oh... Updates on the wedding:

My girlfriend and I were talking about our marriage plans and the possibility of a venue change at the very last minute, and we deviated a bit from that topic.

I'm trying to think of a polite way to say, "I'd prefer cash if you insisted on giving us something for our wedding."

But this sounds so much nicer, and it's the truth, really:

"I know you are compelled to not come to our wedding ceremony empty handed, but we really do not needs gifts. Our apartment is this small, cramped place that's already filled with household junk that needs to be thrown away. Our kitchen is fully functional, and we have everything that YOU need. Have we ever said 'No' when you wanted to borrow kitchen accessories from us? That's how well stocked our kitchen is. So, there's nothing you can buy as a gift for us, really..."

And besides that, I think we're gonna have trouble trying to fit too many people into too small a church premise.

I know that it's a difficult job, but it's a possibility that we're gonna be printing more invitation cards than we first expected or envisioned.

I have a friend who did their wedding at our present premise, and I think the turn-out won't be too different.

So, help us God.